- Going to bed alone at night,
checking the locks by yourself
and preparing everything for the morning all by yourself,
these are some of the joys of solo parenting.
When you're solo parenting
you're the one whose shoulders the entire burden
of the household, both the physical stuff
like the housework, cleaning, cooking, laundry, shopping,
and all of that and also the emotional burden
of the parenting, handling tantrums,
booking doctors appointments, going to school meeting,
carpooling, running the schedule,
and everything that goes into raising kids
and running a home.
Now I've never been a single parent.
I've been married since the very beginning
and I have always had the pleasure and honor
and privilege of having a partner
who is 100% committed to also being a parent
and running the home and financially supporting us
and all of that stuff has been in partnership with me.
However, for the first 13 years of our marriage
up until less than a year ago, just a few short months ago
my husband was largely not home,
especially during the week but also often on weekends
because he's a doctor
and so he was doing many, many night shifts and long hours
and weekend hours as well and the last year
from when my fourth child was just three weeks old
he was also living far from home and coming home
only on weekends.
So throughout the entire week though he wasn't home,
he was just never home.
And so I learned some lessons
on this solo parenting journey of mine
and I realized that it does not speak to single parenting
that that's an entirely different story
but perhaps there are some parallels in some of the ways.
So I just wanna share some of those lessons
in case you're a solo parent,
in case your partner, your wife, your husband,
your partner travels a lot for work
or is absent for whatever reason be it health
or hobbies even and they're just not around
and you need a mindset refresh
on how you can approach this time
when you're the only adult at home.
So the first thing that I would say
is to get as much help as you possibly can.
In our culture we kind of expect all the things
from this one partner as if two adult by themselves
should and can be able to run a household fully
and everything that that pertains to
without any outside help, without community support
and I think that that's rarely the case
that rarely can we manage to really thrive
and feel healthy and vibrant and energetic
if we're doing all of the things that it takes to raise kids
and run a household.
Of course this depends on your culture and your lifestyle
and how many kids you have and how much money you have
and all of that stuff but I think all of us
need a little bit of help from our friends.
Now this could be paid help if you can afford that.
I urge you to spend as much money as you can,
as you can budget for on paid help
but it doesn't have to be.
It can be accepting help from neighbors, friends, teachers,
or getting very cheap paid help like a mother's helper
from just a child, an older child like a young teen
who can come and help or accepting help from family
if they live near you.
Now I have not lived near family since my kids were babies
and so in my case it has been forming close friendships
and a tight knit community with other homeschooling families
and helping each other out,
kind of trading babysitting hours so I know
I can drop my kids off at my friend's house
and they'll do the same to me
and that's a wonderful form of free help
and I've also paid as much as I possibly can afford to
for as much hired help as I can with household help.
And I've also paid for, as I say, young mother's helpers
so just a few dollars an hour even once a week
can make such a difference
if you just have that hour to yourself,
that hour to go out on your walk
or sleep or do whatever it is that you need to do
but if you don't have a partner with you
and you're solo parenting
then you have to seek as much help as you can,
be it free, be it paid and you'll be so surprised
at the amount of free help that is available
if we just change our mindset to be receptive.
And I've spoken about this at length from my podcast
and here but I just want to reiterate the idea
that there might be senior citizens, retired citizens
who are nearby who would love to come
and read your kids some books once a week ya know?
Or there might be other families
who would love to barter help with you
and when you are solo parenting
you might be getting on that supermamma superdaddy cape
and think that you can do it all on your own
and I don't think that you can
but I also don't think it's healthy if you do
because I think that that leads to burnout.
So the first thing that I did with my three-week old baby
and my children ages six, four, and two
when my husband moved out for the year
was to really strengthen my support system
as much as I could and hire as much help
as I could afford to get
so I urge you to do the same if you can.
And everybody can because there's a lot of free help as well
so it's not just a money thing.
Please, if you just open your eyes you'll see
there are people around.
Number two is to cut yourself some slack.
We are living in a day and age
where we're comparing ourselves
to the highlight reel, to Instagram
and seeing all the amazing Pinterest-worthy projects
that everybody's doing and all the amazing traveling
and the house decor and all the stuff
that other people are able to do but you have to remember
when you're solo or single parenting
you just have less hands on deck.
You probably have financial responsibilities,
you definitely have parenting responsibilities
and household responsibilities
that don't allow you extra time for all of that other
cherry on top kind of stuff
and you must cut yourself some slack
and stop comparing yourself to other people
who are in a completely different position
and have a completely different level of energy
to invest in those extras.
When you are solo parenting
it's really about maintaining some aspect
of sanity and peace as much as is possible.
Cutting yourself some slack might mean cereal for dinner
or more TV than you might like.
It's okay, we all just do what we can with what we've got
and I want you to prioritize feeling okay, breathing,
sleeping, all of the basic needs of self care
as much as possible over anything else
that you're thinking you should do or you need to do
like baking granola from scratch
or hand making Halloween costumes
or even being a peaceful parent.
Listen, when you're kind of at the edge of your capacity
when you have less energy, less time ya know less resources
then you're going to yell more,
it's going to be less perfect than you wanted,
you're going to play with your kids less.
It's all just gonna be a little bit less perfect
than you might be used to if you have a partner around
or than other people might be used to
when they have more hands on deck.
It just looks different and we have to be realistic
about what we can accomplish.
So the key here is to practice self compassion
and cut yourself as much slack as possible
and just allow yourself to be where you are
with what you've got.
It's okay and it's a season.
Things change, kids grow up a little bit, maybe you move,
maybe you meet new people,
maybe you get more support somehow.
For this season just do what you can with what you've got.
The next thing is to embrace your leadership role.
There is something to being the only adult in charge,
the one running the show at home.
It's actually incredibly empowering if you let it be.
I really enjoyed getting to know myself in a different way
when I spent that time apart from my husband
and as much as I missed him I also enjoyed the fact
that I could run my day how I wanted to.
I could be in charge of our family flow and rhythm.
I didn't have to think about his preferences and his needs
and his opinions on the days when I was solo parenting
because it was just me being a leader.
And whilst we can feel lonely or feel put upon
or feel like we're a victim in this situation
or like why is it only me,
there's also a lot of fun to be had
with rediscovering yourself and with running the show
the way you like according to your own preferences.
So I embraced that and I found it to be really empowering.
I suddenly had a lot more time to invest in my work,
in my extra hobbies because the time
that I would otherwise be spending with my partner
in the evenings I was channeling into my work
after my kids were asleep.
I also was able to prepare meals or to plan our days
solely in accordance to my own preferences
which might sound a little bit selfish
but it's a fun upside, ya know perk of being a solo parent.
Many of us struggle with integrating
ya know two adults' perspectives, two leaders in the family.
That can sometimes be a struggle right?
I talk about this a lot in my Parent In Love course
because it's not easy to get two different points of view
to align right?
That creates a lot of friction.
When you're solo parenting,
yes you have all the burden and responsibility
but you also have all the freedom
and pretty much no friction.
I think it behooves us if we're in a solo parenting role,
hey we might as well enjoy our lives right?
We might as well step out of a victim mindset
and embrace the power and the freedom that it offers us.
You get to set the clock to your timing.
You get to dictate the family rhythm.
You get to hog all of the blanket so enjoy it.
And finally and most importantly
is if you are solo parenting, not single parenting,
and your partner comes back from the military
or from shift work or from traveling for work
or whatever they're coming back from
focus on your connection when they come back.
It is so easy if you are in a partnership
and you're solo parenting to get so super resentful
and let that resentment build up.
It's easy to continuously tell yourself
stories of victimhood, of how you are doing everything
and they're off gallivanting and having fun
and board meetings or traveling for work
or doing what they're doing
and even if they're traveling for pleasure okay,
they went on some vacation
it's so easy to build up resentment
like you're having all the fun and here I am slaving away
and even though you hold it together while they're gone,
you're doing it, you're fine, you're in the zone,
you're in the flow as soon as they walk through that door,
have you had this happen to you, I have.
Your partner finally walks through the door
and suddenly oh my gosh it's been so hard.
Suddenly you start telling them
about how hard you're working and how difficulty it's been
and how ya know you're doing everything by yourself
and woe is me and suddenly the story, the narrative changes
to suit this perspective of you were out having fun
and I was here slaving away and so you owe me right?
And that's a victim mentality right there.
Now the trouble is that in a partnership
if one person's losing then everybody is losing,
both of us are losing, the marriage itself is losing
or the partnership itself is losing, the family is losing,
and the kids are losing
because they're seeing that level of tension and friction
and anger around how we're running our lives
and what it leads to is more and more disconnection
because when our partner finally does come home
or I'll speak for myself.
When my partner finally does come home
after a whole week of not being home
if I'm focusing on all the ways he hasn't helped me
and on all the things I've done without him
then he's feeling ya know attacked
and he's put on the defensive
and he comes home and he doesn't wanna come home
to a home like that.
That's not enjoyable for him.
He doesn't feel like oh well
now I really want to be helpful,
now I really want to connect with you,
now I really miss you.
He's feeling like get me out of here.
This is a place where all I get is criticism
and I no one appreciates how I'm working hard all week
to support our family or no one understands me
and we're now both feeling unappreciated, unseen,
unheard, burdened, and put upon and defensive.
It's so hard not to do this
but we really need to center ourselves and realize
that the highest priority is our connection
and that our partner does see us and does appreciate us
and does understand all of the things
that we work hard to do and even if they don't understand it
we're not doing it for them.
We're not raising the kids for them.
This is our choice.
If we would like to we can go out gallivanting and travel
and get a job, we can do that.
Everybody is free to do what they want to do
ya know hopefully.
You're free to go and apply for a job
or build a career and hire someone else to watch your kids
or put them in daycare 24/7 or whatever it is
that you want to do you're free but I know for myself
I was making the choice that I wanted to be more home.
I still work, I've always worked
and I still support our family
but in my case that's just what had to happen
and what I wanted to happen.
But I think we need to own our choice
in these scenarios right?
And I know not everybody has choice, not everybody does
but most of us do
and even when it seems like there is no choice
there is some choice
and even when there is no choice
there's a choice of how we frame it
and how we see the situation.
Do we see it as something that happened to us
or do we see it as something that's happening for us?
Do we see it as something that we're doing for others
or do we see it as something that we're doing for ourselves?
Do we see it as taking or do we see it as giving?
If we are home ya know with the kids for a week say
and our partner's out on a business trip okay and yeah,
maybe they even had some fun on their business trip,
why should we begrudge them that?
Why should we create competition between us?
Instead of just owning our needs, you wanna go away,
find a way to make that happen too
instead of begrudging our partner.
I know for myself it was such a hard time
in the beginning of that year
when he went away for the whole year.
I had a newborn and a lot of work and three other kids
and it was challenging but setting up my mindset to realize
that this is our choice as a family,
our choice that this was the best thing for us,
that this was an investment in our future,
that this was an investment in our financial stability,
that this was an investment in my husband's career
and in his training and that I could do it
and I wanted to do it and that ya know we could choose,
we could choose to suffer through this time
in competition and resentment or we could choose
to discover innate powers and ya know great joy
in this time as well.
It took me a while to learn
that when he comes home I need to focus solely on connection
that this isn't the time for him to pay me back
for all the things I've done
and that he's now in a deficit for,
that I shouldn't be keeping tabs like that,
that I can't keep tabs like that,
that we're two different creatures
with two different sets of expectations and choices
that we're making holistically as a family
and that whilst we're equal we're also different
and it's just comparing apples to oranges
and that won't work, it will just disconnect us.
So what I learned is to give my partner
what I most want to receive, a warm smile and a hug,
some great emphasis and planning
on how we can be a good team,
how we can make our time together really count
because the truth is
I couldn't get the help that I needed from him
on those short visits home.
He couldn't pay me back, he never could,
and if I hold that over his head
then we just create competition, resentment,
and defensiveness between us but what I could get
on those short visits home was connection,
ya know embrace, physical touch, words of affirmation,
quality time, whatever your love language is
that's what you need to stock up on
on those times that you're together.
Resentment builds up when we're stuck in a victim mindset
waiting for someone to save us.
When we save ourselves and take charge of our lives,
making the best we can with what we've got
there's no room for resentment.
If you're solo parenting I salute you
but I also want you to remember
that it has many, many gifts.
It forces you to creatively find new avenues
of friendship and support and help
and expand your awareness of the people around you
and deepen those connections.
It pushes you to discover your innate power
and your leadership,
learning to create a life that you love on your own terms
and all in your own doing.
It helps you to gain a sense of clarity
of who you are and how you wanna live your life.
It made me realize that I alone
am responsible for my happiness
and gave me clarity on how my mindset creates my reality.
And finally it allows us to appreciate our togetherness
that much more when we're usually apart.
Suddenly coming together feels like an extra special moment
because it really is.
So if you know someone who is solo parenting
and can do with a little bit of support,
please share this with them.
(mellow contemporary music)