- I'm a freestyle rapper.
I make up raps on the spot.
You tell me what you wanna rap about.
I do a rap about that.
And what would you like a rap about?
- [Audience Member] The Phillies.
- The Phillies?
Are they, that's the team in the World Series, right?
- [Audience Member] Yeah. - Cool, fucking I'm,
literally, if it wasn't on the TV upstairs,
I would've had no idea.
You're like, "Rap about cream cheese, Chris."
"That's all we want."
(audience laughs)
The Phillies.
People over here.
What would you like a rap about?
- [Audience Member] Dog abortions.
- Did you say, you said dog abortions?
- [Audience Member] Yes, sir.
- 'Cause I was like, "Don't suggest dogs."
You were like, "But I've gotta workaround on that, Chris."
(audience laughs)
"You didn't say it couldn't include the word dog."
So, dog abortions.
Thank you very much.
I mean, it's weird that I'm more enthusiastic
about that than the Phillies, but that's,
I can understand what that would be like.
I don't know a single,
what's the name of a player on the Phillies?
- [Audience Member] Bryce Harper.
- Bryce Harper?
The most white name ever, right?
I don't even need to look at him.
He could be a quarterback with that name.
Right.
(audience laughs)
Bryce Harper and the Phillies.
What's his position?
Throwy or hitty? (audience laughs)
Or catchy? (audience laughs)
Hitty.
Dog abortions and the Phillies.
Middle of the room.
A hand up. So polite.
This is what happens when a British person raps, yeah.
Yeah, what do you want a rap about?
- [Audience Member] Liz Truss', like,
Saturday, 9:00 PM underwear.
- Liz Truss' Saturday 9:00 PM underwear.
Well done, number one, for knowing the name
of the shortest lived prime minister ever.
She was beaten by a lettuce. (audience laughs)
- [Audience Member] She was wearing different underwear
in the morning, she changed. - She was wearing different.
Why were you checking this out?
This is horrendous. (audience laughs)
- [Audience Member] She changed in to her Saturday night.
- She changed in to her Saturday night underwear?
Okay, cool.
Cool, Liz Truss' Saturday night, 9:00 PM underwear.
Back corner of the room,
What'd you want a rap about?
- [Audience Member] New York.
- New? You fucking unimaginative prick.
No. (audience laughs)
Come on, someone else do better.
- [Audience Member] The first Thanksgiving turkey.
- The first Thanksgiving turkey.
Thank you. That's pretty good.
And then this final section, you got the last one.
What's it gonna be?
- [Audience Member] Where's Waldo's Midlife crisis.
- Great. Look at this, yeah. (audience laughs)
Yeah. (audience applauds)
First Thanksgiving turkey, Bryce Harper and the Phillies,
dog abortions, Liz Truss' Saturday night underwear, and.
Fucking hell, I'm gonna drop it on the floor, right.
Okay, this is gonna be a freestyle rap,
and let's have some fun with it.
Can we get that beat pumped a little bit?
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
Cool, just gonna enjoy myself, so let's drop this in.
♪ Drop in on the beat ♪
♪ Off we go ♪
♪ We call him Wally ♪
♪ I'm sorry you be sayin' Waldo ♪
♪ With the red and white stripes ♪
♪ Party every night ♪
♪ But he hits 45 like, what's my fucking life ♪
♪ About, I just spend every day of my life ♪
♪ In big crowds, and I'm trying to hide ♪
♪ I've got a wizard friend ♪
♪ And the dog with the bone ♪
♪ The yellow black stripe guy won't leave me alone ♪
♪ I'm in the children's books ♪
♪ They can learn to discern ♪
♪ Pick me out when they're at school at half-term ♪
♪ They go on with their days ♪
♪ They don't bother 'bout me ♪
♪ Where's Waldo, shit, I'm just gonna leave ♪
♪ My lady, is her name Wendy ♪
♪ Begins with a W, no need to offend me ♪
♪ Let me gather these ♪
♪ She a fine lady, but I feel silly ♪
♪ Who the fuck are these guys playin' for the Phillies ♪
(audience cheers) ♪ Bryce Harper, ♪
♪ He's a nice starter ♪ (audience laughs)
♪ He can get the ball hard ♪
♪ He can hit it farther ♪
♪ Out the park, everyone's like, "Oh, that's fun" ♪
♪ Where's it gone ♪
♪ Far across the car park, home run ♪
♪ Will they score some ♪
♪ I don't even care ♪
♪ I know the other team like the stars in the air ♪
♪ Like the Houston Astros ♪
♪ Didn't they cheat sometime ♪
♪ They were stealing all of the signs ♪
♪ And their logo's orange ♪
♪ I know more about them than the Phillies ♪
♪ Maybe they'll knock 'em out then ♪
♪ It's a row, I hope ♪
♪ That it goes to game seven ♪
♪ I really don't, I find the sport rather unpleasant ♪
♪ I be sayin' I break it down like a portion ♪
♪ Tear it apart like a poor dog abortion ♪
(audience laughs) ♪ I'm reaching in ♪
♪ Yeah, just stand there ♪
♪ I grip the Great Dane with the coat hanger ♪
♪ She says, I was impregnated ♪
♪ By the Alsatian, wish I'd waited ♪
♪ For someone of my own breed ♪
♪ Feeling like the boss ♪
♪ I don't want any more dogs to get crossed ♪
♪ It's useful ♪
♪ I see the Spaniel and the Poodle. ♪
♪ They walk in, walking slightly unusual ♪
♪ One's like, I'm four months along ♪
♪ 'Cause the gestation of the dog, it ain't long ♪
♪ But she be struggling ♪
♪ Gotta check this ♪
♪ She can't get the abortion ♪
♪ Why? This dog's in Texas ♪
♪ They're so upset, they can't stand this ♪
♪ You'd better take your fucking dog to Kansas ♪
♪ They had a referendum, voting on the choice ♪
♪ She can get it out ♪
♪ "My body, my choice" ♪
♪ That's the dog, that is what they say ♪
♪ Fucking hell, this crowd in New York today ♪
♪ That's for you ♪
♪ They're like, "We are Democrats, liberal" ♪
♪ I can struggle with this ♪
♪ I'm like, "Yes y'all" ♪
♪ The first bird, please don't hurt me ♪
♪ Gobble gobble, I'm a plump Thanksgiving turkey ♪
♪ Why would it happen there on the coast ♪
♪ The settlers will come in saying, you're toast ♪
♪ We are giving you the blankets, lots and lots ♪
♪ You're gonna perish, gettin' all the smallpox ♪
♪ But actually, we've got the turkey plump and fat ♪
♪ Why is it Thanksgiving bird, who'd have thunk of that ♪
♪ It's very dry ♪
♪ You should get some chicken or a goose ♪
♪ That's what we do at Christmas time in Britain ♪
♪ We should have a truce ♪
♪ Exchange some recipes ♪
♪ Trading all the food ♪
♪ One last thing ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm in the mood ♪
♪ Remind me, what was the other thing we did ♪
♪ You can shout ♪
- [Audience Member] Liz Truss!
♪ Of course, she gets it out ♪
♪ She be in the morning ♪
♪ Just puts on some plain white Y-fronts ♪
♪ Saying, No, I need to change ♪
♪ I'm the prime minister for 44 days ♪
♪ The naughtiest lady ♪
♪ Yeah, she fucking slays ♪
♪ Walking out on number 10 in the black lace thong ♪
♪ Saying even though I run economy wrong ♪
♪ It's 9:00 PM on Saturday ♪
♪ So I sashay out the door ♪
♪ There we go ♪
♪ That's the rap, 'cause there's no fucking more. ♪
(audience applauds and cheers)