- There is a hierarchy in the Latino culture.
We don't talk about it, but it's there.
There's all kinds of different Latinos, right?
Mexican, Puerto Rican, Salvadorian,
Cuban, Colombian, Dominican, blah blah blavian,
la la lavian, la la la.
All kinds of us.
My husband, he's Puerto Rican,
so he thinks Puerto Ricans are at the top
because they have J. Lo.
All right, we get it.
Team Puerto Rico, one point.
Well played.
- Like Dominicans,
some of them think they're better than Haitians
because they speak Spanish, right?
And Cubans think they're better than the Dominicans,
'cause they're a little lighter,
and they think they speak better Spanish.
And Puerto Ricans think they're better than all of them,
'cause they're citizens.
And they speak English.
Meanwhile the racists are like,
"Send all them fucking Mexicans home.
"Build that wall."
- Salvadorians have the best curse word.
Hijo de la gran...
- Puta, which means son of the greatest bitch.
The biggest bitch ever, that bitch, that bitch.
That's the bitch I'm talking about right there.
- That means if there was a whore parade.
Your mom will be the Grand Marshall,
every fucking year, riding her pupusa float.
Cerote, cuidado cerote, hijo de la gran puta, cerote.
- Luckily for me, my uncle did teach me
about our Latin timeline,
which I want to share with you.
And that is Mayans at 1000 BC.
And then we have now.
And what is it, the age of Pitbull, right?
♪ Dale culo, dale culo, culo culo, get it, don't stop, culo.♪
- Like, I don't know how they do it,
but no matter what they're talking about,
in any conversation,
they can seamlessly bring up Marc Anthony.
You can have a conversation with my father-in-law.
He'll be like, "Hey, the Yankees,
"they're gonna be good this year.
"But if not, it's okay.
"Marc Anthony, he gonna do a special on TV.
"I'll record it for you."
- Shakira performed here a few days ago.
And Shakira has an amazing show, okay?
She doesn't just come out and...
I think I just hurt myself.
- I'm Latina.
When was our good old days, when J. Lo became Selena?
That's what we get?
That's what we get, okay, that's what we get.
Selena.
For those of you that don't know Selena,
Selena is the closest thing Latinos have to a superhero.
She is a Mexican American singer.
She died over 20 years ago,
and we still talk about what she could have done.
Oh, if Selena was still here!
Trump would build a wall,
she would knock it down with her voice.
Bidi-bidi-bam-bam, down, down, down, down!
- All that bullshit with the wall, I don't know.
Maybe they're waiting for permits, I don't know.
I think me and about five vatos,
we could have already built that fucking wall like that.
It would already be done.
But we won't build it so heavy
that it crushes the fucking tunnels that we have under.
Pasale!
- You guys see the tunnel Chapo had when he got arrested?
That shit looked a Disneyland ride.
There was lights, a guy selling tickets, a two-hour wait.
There was a Starbucks.
No, I'll have the Chapo-cino, I guess.
- I was watching the news.
They said 2.5 million illegal immigrants
came in through Mexico, 2.5 million.
And then they asked how we're gonna stop this.
I'm like, well, you got to stop them
while you're counting them coming in.
Shit, you keep counting, they're gonna keep coming.
I'm gonna come in two times today.
Hey, we'll help you count.
♪ One little, two little, three little Mexicans ♪
- So you can build that wall if you want to.
You might keep a couple of Mexicans out.
But the Dominicans are gonna fly right over that bitch.
You want to keep the Dominicans out,
you better build a motherfucking dome.
- It's not just Mexicans coming over.
People from El Salvador, Nicaragua, Guatemala,
Honduras, Peru, Venezuela, they come into America illegally,
and they steal Mexican jobs.
Are you fucking serious?
We need two walls,
one in South America and one in Central America.
We gotta make America great for Mexicans again.
We're losing too many hotel jobs.
- Listen, ICE and all that bullshit, Homeland Security,
listen, if they want to do all that bullshit,
listen, if they want to deport people,
Hey, I'm on your side.
Relax.
You're fucking going at me.
I got it, I wrote it.
I know what's coming.
Don't go to the works.
Don't go to the schools.
Don't go to the jobs.
Let the people in the families decide.
Let them Latinos decide who gets deported
because we all have relatives that we like.
And some that you're like,
hey, four o'clock in the morning,
"Tia, wake up.
"They want you."
Who?
"Mexico." What?
Mexico wants me?
"Yeah, come on.
Tio, tambien let's go, they want you."
El Salvador, Salvador, El Salvador, come on, come on.
Tia, you don't need a bra, go like that.
- This King Philip of Spain was always shitting on us, man,
always trying to prove
that we weren't human, didn't have souls,
so they could keep robbing us through the centuries.
And he was always, "Que Human y que pan calient.
Me cago en la puta Madre de Cristo.
Dios de tio joder
"You bring me 500 of these savages,
"and I'm going to put them in my royal zoo.
"And you will see that they're soulless animals."
Who would have thought that colonization
could be so much fun?
Oh, robbing, raping, pillaging,
robbing, raping, raping,
pillaging, robbing, robbing,
raping, raping, raping.
Put us in cages.
Thank god that's not happening to us anymore, huh?
- People who have served this country, Latino veterans,
have been deported from the United States of America.
That cannot happen.
That's bullshit.
Anybody that's willing to die for this country
should be able to live in this country.
You hear what I'm saying?
If you take care of people's kids and you spend more time
with their kids than with your own,
you should be allowed to live in this country.
- Even our Cherokee people
were bushwhacked by bloody Andrew Jackson.
And our seventh president proclamates
to the Cherokee people,
"Now listen here, Chief Crybaby,
"you and your papooses can remain on this land
"so long as you live by our laws.
"So from now on, they're gonna be
"just a few new laws just for all of y'all."
I know, I know.
I look more like Frederick Douglass than I do Andrew Jackson.
But I'd rather look like Freddy than Andy
any old fucking day.
Especially, especially after you learn
that those poor tribes actually tried to live
according to those strict laws
of Andrew Jackson's Indian Removal Act,
which is so twisted and hypocritical, man,
because Ben Franklin and the founding fathers
plagiarized the Iroquois Nation's constitution
to create our constitution
because of the great freedoms and independence
it guaranteed to each individual state.
And then they go and do it to us again in the 1930s
with the Repatriation Act,
where they blame Mexican Americans
for taking jobs during the depression.
Sound familiar?
So President Herbert Hoover
repatriates 500,000 Latin people that were born here.
And those of us that didn't leave were lynched.
And between 1830 and 1930, 600 of us were lynched.
And now they're doing it to us again, man,
with all these anti-immigration policies,
making us so afraid of being pulled over and profiled
that we have to pretend
that we can't even speak Spanish.
Officer, yo no poder hablar sin saber hablar
Officer, no poder hablar, no saber hablar. No poder
sin saber hablar, joder. Yo no joder, tu joder, no poder.
- Before we could just pretend not to speak English.
Now, because of ICE,
you fucking get pulled over,
they don't ask you for driver license, registration.
They fucking get to it.
"Do you speak English?"
You're like, ay Hijo de la chingada, under your breath.
"Yes."
I can stay, I can stay? Orale, I can stay?
Oh, my god, I mean...
- A lot of times, people just assume that I speak Spanish.
They'll just start saying Spanish words at me really fast.
And I don't want to come out right away
and be like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa.
"Wait, I don't speak Spanish,"
'cause I'm ashamed of myself.
So what I do is, I just like
to go along with the conversation for as long as I can.
And then like at the end, I just give 'em
like a go-to Spanish phrase,
like, "ay que bueno."
But it usually has nothing to do
with what they're talking about.
So they're just like, "Huh?"
"Claro que si, claro"
"No, no claro?"
Where are Latinos at that do speak Spanish?
Where are you guys at?
Oh, congratulations.
You're better than us.
- That used to be the go-to.
Back in the day, you could pretend not to speak English.
The cop will pull you over.
You want to get out of the car?
Pero no entiendo...
The fuck, okay, go.
I don't know.
I told you, I don't know what they're saying.
We used to pretend to not speak English.
They would let us go.
Now they hit you with the fucking palo, that nightstick.
That'll get the fucking English out.
Get out of the car.
Pero no entiendo...
Oh, you want me to get out of the car.
Oh, my god.
Hijo de la chingada, dude, I got it.
That's gonna leave a fucking chipote on my fucking head.
- I'm Mexican.
So I think Mexicans are at the top
because we have the best food.
These are just facts, you guys.
Google it if you want to.
- Now for anyone wondering about taco trucks,
let me just let you know right now.
That is real good Mexican food.
I don't want you being concerned,
like "No, there's there's wheels under that restaurant."
Well, sometimes we don't have a permit, okay?
But it doesn't mean the food is not good.
For me to know that I'm gonna
have a good experience at a taco truck, I always research,
and I look to see who's running the truck.
For me to know that I'm gonna have a good time,
I want to make sure that it's an all-female crew.
Not to sound sexist.
It's just that, when it's all women running the truck,
they make me feel good about myself.
They make me feel special.
When I walk up at one o'clock in the morning,
and I have a buzz, they make me feel good.
Hello?
They come to the window.
" Hola mi Gordito, ¿cómo estás? ¿Cómo está ese gordito chulito?
Ese gordito, que bonito. Aver, Aver ojitos, ojitos.
- Our parents, shit,
we were raised by the original body shamers.
They didn't give a fuck what age you were.
They'd be leaving for work,
"Hey, you two fat fuckers right there.
"You better not be on that fucking couch when I get home,
"gordo one and fucking gordo two.
"You hear me?"
We would answer it, "Yeah, all right."
Fucking clean yourselves, come on.
Bigger chi-chis than everybody in the family at 11.
"Hey, Tetas, come out here."
That's how you get your nickname.
You shit in your pants one time,
you're Caca for the rest of your life.
You could be a grown man, fucking Caca.
"Hey, guess who's getting married."
"Who?"
"Caca, fuck."
"Caca's getting married, and his wife is pregnant now?"
"They're gonna have fucking caquitas running around?"
"Caca's getting married, huh, shit."
"Fucking Caca, good for Caca."