It's a jungle out there. There are guys who love bomb you, then pull away. There
are guys who are needy, clingy and controlling. There are guys who say they want to find love,
but then do everything they can to sabotage it. And the problem isn't that these guys
don't come with warning labels. You gotta figure it out for yourself. On today's Love U podcast,
I'm going to give you an inside look at my Love U course and explain how to evaluate whether you
and your guy are compatible before you waste any more time on the wrong man. Stick around.
I'm Evan Marc Katz, dating coach for smart, strong, successful women and your personal trainer
for love. Welcome to the Love U podcast. Keep listening to discover how to find a good man using
a few compatibility tools from Love U. When we're done, let you know how you could apply to Love U
to create a passionate relationship that makes you feel safe, heard and understood. Sorry in advance
to everybody who's just listening to the audio podcast. I'm going to do a lot of gesticulating
today. And the good news is that even if you don't watch this on YouTube, I could still explain to
you what I'm doing. But there's definitely some visuals involved. So right now, I'm going to be
making circles with my hand. There's different ways to make circles. I mean, circles like this
with my hands and like a little. Okay, loop one, my left hand one with my right hand.
And I put them on top of each other so they can potentially overlap in the venn diagram.
We can do big circles. Here's what men want. Here's what women want. And we're looking for
the overlap between them. This venn diagram is our North Star and it maps out all the possibilities
in a relationship. In a strong relationship, the two circles overlap almost entirely. In a weak
relationship, the two circles barely touch. Keep that in mind as I walk you through a few concepts
that are essential to you figuring out how to finally choose a long-term compatible partner.
In Love U, we use this Venn diagram for many reasons. But the main one is that is, as I said,
there's what men want, there is what women want. For example, if a guy wants to text you once
and get laid without any courtship process whatsoever, then it's entirely possible that
there's no overlap in your venn diagrams because his desire to text once, come over your house
with a bottle of wine without getting to know you, listening to you pay for dinner for you,
it doesn't overlap with what you want. So, it's a failing dating strategy. On the other hand,
if you think courtship means for him to spend a month emailing you, doing a background check
on him and him paying for 10 platonic dates over a month with nothing more than a kiss,
then there's probably not much or an over overlap between your Venn diagram and what
he wants. In a good relationship, a healthy, easy relationship, both people are naturally
getting their needs met. It's not one wins and the other loses. Let's take this Venn diagram
and let's look at a few measures of compatibility. Now, one measure of compatibility is masculine
and feminine energy. Now, in month four of Love U, there's a section called Understanding Men. It's a
whole month of material. You've got one full week on masculine and feminine energy, one full week on
chemistry and compatibility, one full week on alpha males versus beta male. We really dig into
this much greater detail in the course. But let's just understand masculine and feminine energy.
And these are terms that a lot of people resist. I didn't make them up, so I don't want to get to
know, too, in the weeds about gender stereotypes or how they came to be. We could call it the yin
and yang, if you like, but for our terms, we're gonna use masculine and feminine energy
and we're going to work under these working definitions. Masculine energy is about self.
Doing something for yourself. It involves one's ego, ambition, drive, opinions, desire, passion,
purpose. That get shit done kind of person. It's an overlap between being type A and being
masculine energy for our purpose. A lot of clients I have are beautiful women who have some masculine
energy. That's why they're smart, strong, successful women. I have masculine energy as well.
I've taken a bunch of quizzes. I'm usually about 75, 80 percent masculine energy and about 25, 30
percent feminine energy. So that's a definition. Then we have feminine energy and feminine energy
is about others. Mother Teresa. Feminine energy. Let's take care of everybody else. Let's make sure
everybody else is happy. It's acquiescent. It's self sacrificial. It is soft. It is soothing.
It is making sure that other people feel taken care of, heard and nurtured. Men need to have
feminine energy to be in relationships. Women have to have masculine and energy to be in
relationships. Otherwise, you're a doormat. Let's just understand that this is a scale.
We have overlapping circles, and I'm not here to tell you where you are. You can join, Love
U and take a quiz that I created to figure out with where you are in the masculine energy net,
masculine feminine energy scale. I think that's really interesting. But I think most of us have
somewhat of a sense of who we are really based on how we approach life. There's no wrong. I don't.
Anywhere in Love U. I never tell you to have to change your personality or stop being who you
are. Ever. What I recognize is that if you are a masculine energy woman who works 60 hours a week,
it has very strong opinions and has the desire to control the outcome of things. And you're
attracted to a man who's like that. You might combined have too much masculine energy. Right
now, you've got two people metaphorically sitting in the driver's seat of the car trying to grip the
steering wheel and nobody lets go, nobody ride shotgun and navigates. Two people fighting for
control. And it's not good, good or a bad thing. We're going, we're not judging the individuals.
I spent my whole life trying to date women who are just like me. There was just a little bit too much
friction, too much opinion. And so, I want you to pay attention to your Venn diagram if you're on
this side of the masculine energy scale. You'd be better off with a man who's on the other side of
the scale. A guy who's just a little easier going, less intense, less opinionated, less driven,
less busy. And this is the thing that a lot of men arrive at quite naturally as a joke about Rupert
Murdoch doesn't need to marry another billionaire. He's looking for something that he doesn't have.
And again, that could be really shallow. Which in this case, it's blunt. 30 years younger.
But he's not looking for the female version of himself to be happy. That’s the trap that a lot
of people fall into when it comes in dating. If you're on the feminine side of the scale,
you can go for a more type A, alpha guy and we can understand why they're attractive. But if
you're on this side of the scale and you've been choosing the guys who are just like you but more,
maybe it's worth it to pay attention to where you are on that scale. Again, this is something we get
into really deep in Love U But this isn't just a little taste of that idea about trying to find
not just equal energy, but trying to find compatible energy. My wife and I are compatible
energy. We naturally fall into our roles without any friction, and that's what makes us work. We
didn't have to take a test to do it. We can tell it was working based on how it felt. So,
we talk about feeling so much in Love U. Now, the next thing I want to talk about in our big
Venn diagram today is the idea from attached, the book by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
describes childhood attachment theory and how it overlays onto adult relationships.
There are three different kinds of attachment styles. They're secure, anxious and avoidant.
And this is also a bit of a Venn diagram because anxious means you crave intimacy and never seem
to be able to get enough of it. You need constant reassurance. The littlest things can cause you to
feel very anxious about your relationship. He doesn't text you for two hours. Oh, my
God. It's the end of the world. That's an anxious attachment style. Avoidant, as someone who claims
to want intimacy, but then sabotages that by being inconsistent, telling him he loves you but not
acting like he loves you, telling you he's second guessing the relationship. There are men who are
avoidant and there are they're really, really hard to date and anxious and avoidant. People are like
magnets for each other. In the middle, 50 percent of the population is secure. People who could form
intimate, secure attachments and have real intimate relationships without all this drama.
A lot of the people who are in the dating pool as we get older turn out to be secure. People
often pair up and it leaves a lot of anxious and avoidant people out in the dating market. The good
news is that whether you're anxious or avoidant in relationships, your attachment style isn't fixed.
Your personality, masculine, feminine is closer to fixed, but your attachment style is often based
on who you're dating. I could be a really secure guy, but if I'm with a woman who doesn't call me,
doesn't tell me she loves me, doesn't act like she loves me, claims to,
I'm going to feel pretty anxious and that she's going to bring that out of me. The problem is
that anxious women often choose avoidant men and then wonder why they always felt so anxious.
That's the key. People's attachment styles can change over time. If you date someone who is
secure, a lot of your anxiety goes away and it makes you feel more secure. In general, there's
this triple Venn diagram, there's anxious, secure, avoidant. What I'm trying to do is get
women who are avoidant because they've been burned in relationships and try to keep their
distance emotionally to move towards the center to become more secure. And people who are anxious to
move to the center and be more secure because this is where successful relationships lie.
It would be next to impossible to have a successful, anxious, avoidant relationship.
Because they push each other's button and trigger each other in a way that is really unhealthy. It's
too far away. We need to act like secure people and not let our insecurities get the best of us.
And that's where those attachment styles kind of thing that we talk about in month four of Love U
really come to the four. One of the things I like about Love U is that, again, it's very verbal. I
wish it was more visual, but there is a sort of overlapping philosophy that applies to many units
in the course. The Venn diagram that we could overlay onto different dating scenarios makes
a lot of sense. It's not just what men want, because if it's a man centric world, you'll never
be happy with it. But there's no such thing where men's needs are not considered in Love U because
we're talking about real world dating. It's not just theoretical. Whatever you're doing
has to be able to make most men happy, too. So that's how we arrive here in the middle, where
men listen to women and try to make them happy. Women listen to men and try to make them happy.
We look for partners who are compatible fits for us, whether it's masculine and feminine energy,
whether it's anxious or avoidant attachment styles. We're just looking for something that
works in the way we know it works, how it feels. Again, I hope I got your wheels spinning. I know
I didn't give all the information I could possibly give on this lovely podcast, but I hope I got your
wheels spinning about the depths that we go to and trying to explore how to find a compatible
partner and how very possible it is, how it's almost a formula and how you can find a good man
if you change the way you're choosing men. That's the key. My name is Evan Marc Katz. Thank you for
tuning into the Love U podcast for more episodes like this on YouTube, click the subscribe button,
ring the bell and choose all to ensure that you get notified whenever new content comes out.
If you're listening to the audio podcast, please share an honest review on Apple.
More reviews equals more awareness of the Love U podcast and more love in the world.
And if you want to find love right now and are committed to making healthier choices with men,
so you could have an easy relationship that makes you feel safe, heard and understood. Look for
the link below and apply to coaching inside. Love U. Thank you. I will talk to you soon.