TODAY WAS 3 SSH SH 14,
ALSO KNOWN AT PI DAY, DO YOU KNOW ABOUT, THIS PI DAY AN
BECAUSE THE NUMBERS PI STARTS AS 3.14.
>> THIS DOESN'T WORK IN THE U.K. >> AND IT SHOULDN'T WORK HERE
BECAUSE, PEOPLE ARE LIKE IT'S PI DAY V A PI AND I WAS LIKE I HATE
THIS. I HEALTH.
THIS I DON'T THINK THERE IS A DAY IN AMERICA THAT ISN'T
ANOTHER DAY. IT ISN'T A THING, LIKE ST NEVER
JUST A WEDNESDAY, NO T IS NATIONAL HOT DOG DAY.
>> LET'S NOT THROW NATIONAL HOPSCOTCH DAY-- .
>> James: I REALIZE THAT AS I SAID T AS I SAID IT, I DIDN'T
LIKE IT. >> THAT IS IMPORTANT.
>> James: GOOD GAME, HOPSCOTCH.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME, HONESTLY, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU HAD A PROPER GAME OF HOPSCOTCH.
ABSOLUTELY SEN STATIONAL-- SENSATIONAL GAME.
AND BEEN GRUELLY OVERLOOKED IN ADULTS.
>> YEAH. >> Reggie: WAS IT CREATED BY
THE SCOTS? >> James: WHAT, BECAUSE OF
HOPSCOTCH. >> Reggie: YEAH.
>> James: CAN I BE HONEST WITH YOU, I'M EMBARRASSED TO SAY, I
DON'T KNOW. DOES ANYONE KNOW?
>> I THINK ROMANS INVENTED IT. >> James: ANCIENTS ROMANS
INVENTED IT. TELL US MORE OR ARE YOU BEING
FED THIS INFORMATION TO TELL ME. >> NO, IT WAS CREATED IN ORDER
TO HELP THE ROMAN FOOT SOLDIERS IMPROVE THEIR FOOT WORK.
(LAUGHTER). >> James: TELL US MORE ABOUT
IT. >> PEOPLE AT HOME, WIKIPEDIA.
>> James: WHY DON'T YOU TELL US MORE ABOUT IT.
>> BECAUSE IN THE 17th CENTURY IS WHEN THEY ADJUSTED
THE NAME AND STARTED CALLING IT SCOTCH HOP BEFORE WE TOOK IT ON
AS HOPSCOTCH. >> Reggie: DAMN.
>> James. >> YOU'RE NOT GETTING THIS ON
JON OLIVER AND I HOPE THE EMMY VOTERS SEE THAT.
>> James: >> JAMES: WELL, IT'S THAT TIME,
IT'S TIME FOR, THE NEWS. THERE ARE GROWING CONCERNS THAT
RUSSIA MAY LEAN ON CHINA FOR MILITARY EQUIPMENT IN ITS
INVASION OF UKRAINE. SO TODAY, IN AN EFFORT TO
DISCOURAGE CHINA FROM HELPING PUTIN, A TOP U.S. OFFICIAL MET
WITH A TOP CHINESE DIPLOMAT IN ROME.
BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE WAY TO FIND A DIPLOMATIC RESOLUTION,
IT'S WHILE SUCKING ON A SINGLE SPAGHETTI NOODLE LIKE LADY
AND THE TRAMP. IT'S AMAZING HOW THESE OFFICIALS
ALWAYS END UP MEETING IN EXOTIC, BEAUTIFUL SPOTS.
IT JUST HAPPENS TO BE IN ROME. IT SHOULD BE THE OPPOSITE, OKAY,
WELCOME TO CLEVELAND. NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO LEAVE UNTIL
A IMRIEMS IS REACHED, OKAY. THE TALKS IN ROME WERE SAID TO
BE TENSE AND UNPRODUCTIVE. BUT THE RIDE
TO THE EMBASSY BY VESPA?
THRILLING AND TOTALLY WORTH IT.
IN OTHER NEWS, IT WAS ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT
VOLODYMYR ZELENSKY WILL DELIVER A VIRTUAL ADDRESS TO THE UNITED
STATES CONGRESS ON WEDNESDAY. I FEEL FOR THIS ZELENSKY.
UKRAINE HAS GONE THROUGH ENOUGH. NOW YOU'RE ALSO MAKING HIM DO
A ZOOM MEETING? THE ADDRESS WILL BE AT NINE
IN THE MORNING. OR AS I'VE ALWAYS CALLED IT,
"LIVE WITH KELLY AND RYAN O'CLOCK."
AND DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS? EARLIER TODAY, ELON MUSK TWEETED
THAT HE WAS CHALLENGING PUTIN TO A ONE-ON-ONE FIGHT WITH THE
WINNER GETTING UKRAINE. MAKING THIS THE FIRST TIME
UKRAINE HAS BEEN OFFERED HELP AND REPLIED WITH
"YEAH, WE'RE GOOD THANKS." IT MAKES YOU THINK THOUGH,
IF ONLY BILL GATES HAD WRESTLED SADDAM HUSSEIN.
>> James: AND DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS?
TOM BRADY IS COMING OUT OF RETIREMENT.
THAT'S RIGHT, HE ANNOUNCED YESTERDAY THAT HE'S COMING BACK
TO TAMPA BAY. HE WAS RETIRED FOR TWO MONTHS.
HE DIDN'T EVEN MISS A GAME. THAT'D BE LIKE IF ON EVERY
FRIDAY, I WAS LIKE "I'LL BE RETIRING FROM THE SHOW"
AND THEN ON MONDAY BE LIKE, "WELL, I'VE DECIDED TO RETURN TO
LTE NIGHT." WHEN ASKED ABOUT HIS DECISION TO
UN-RETIRE SO QUICKLY, THE FATHER OF THREE SAID, "I PHYSICALLY
CAN'T LISTEN TO "WE DON'T TALK ABOUT BRUNO," ONE MORE TIME.
CAN'T DO IT. I GOT TO GET BACK OUT THERE AND
TRY TO AVOID BEING HIT BY HUGE GUYS.
DID YOU HERE BUT ONE GUY ISN'T SO EXCITED
ABOUT THE NEWS. BECAUSE, AND THIS IS TRUE, JUST
ONE DAY BEFORE BRADY'S UN-RETIREMENT ANNOUNCEMENT,
AN UNNAMED PERSON PURCHASED BRADY'S "FINAL" TOUCHDOWN BALL
AT AN AUCTION FOR MORE THAN NOW IT IS JUST A BALL TOM BRADY
ONCE HAD, IT IS NOT OVER, MAYBE ITS GUY WILL GET LUCKY AND BRADY
WON'T THROW A SINGLE TOUCHDOWN ALL NEXT SEASON.
>> James: AND IT'S OFFICIAL PETE DAVIDSON IS GOING TO SPACE
NEXT WEDNESDAY. THE LAUNCH DATE WAS ANNOUNCED
EARLIER TODAY. HE WILL BE PART OF THE CREW ON
THE LATEST SPACE FLIGHT FROM JEFF BEZOS' COMPANY BLUE ORIGIN.
SERIOUS QUESTION: DID PETE DAVIDSON FIND AN OIL LAMP WITH A
GENIE INSIDE? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN
THE MOMENT HE'S HAVING. IN HIS LIFE.
IS JEFF BEZOS JUST PULLING THESE NAMES OUT OF A HAT?
FIRST IT WAS WILLIAM SHATNER, THEN MICHAEL STRAHAN, NOW
PETE DAVIDSON. WHO'S NEXT, "CLIFFORD THE
BIG RED DOG?" PETE DAVIDSON WILL SOON BE
GOING UP TO SPACE WHICH EXPLAINS WHY THE MOON SPENT THE WEEKEND,
GETTING A FACIAL AND EYELASH EXTENSIONS.
>> James: AND FINALLY, THERE'S A NEW GUINNESS
WORLD RECORD TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS TIME IT'S FOR THE
HIGHEST TEA PARTY. A GROUP OF CLIMBERS ON MOUNT
EVEREST SET THE RECORD BY SITTING DOWN FOR TEA AT A HEIGHT
OF MORE THAN 21,000 FEET. NOW WE SUMMITED EVEREST, NOW CAN
WE GET MORE ATTENTION? ALTHOUGH THIS DOES BEG THE
QUESTION IS A TEA PARTY STILL FUN IF, IN THE BACK OF
YOUR MIND, YOU'RE DECIDING WHO IN THE GROUP YOU WOULD EAT IN AN
EMERGENCY? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
>> I JUST WANT TO GET OUT, AHEAD OF THIS NEXT JOKE HERE.
IT IS GOING SUPPOSED TO BE THE LAST ONE OF THIS PART OF THE
SHOW AND WE JUST DIDN'T HAVE IT TODAY.
SPEAKING ON BEHALF OF ALL THE OTHER WRITERS, ITS MONOLOGUE
TEAM, WE TRIED OUR BEST AND, WE JUST COULDN'T COME UP-- .
>> James: COULDN'T COME UP WITH IT.
>> THERE WAS NOTHING. >> James: COULDN'T COME UP
WITH T TO SHOW YOU HOW MUCH THEY COULDN'T COME UP WITH IT, THE
ORIGINAL ENDER HAS ALREADY BEEN IN THE MONO AND WENT FOR
NOTHING. >> YEAH.
WE THOUGHT MAYBE HOT MOON WOULD BE A WAY TO GET OUT AND IT
WASN'T CLEARLY. AND YOU KNOW, WE LET YOU DOWN.
WE LET THE SHOW DOWNMENT WE LET AMERICA DOWN AND IT FEELS BAD.
BUT WE'RE GOING TO PACK OUR LUNCHES UP, COME IN TOMORROW
AGAIN AND TRY TO WRITE A BETTER JOKE.
(APPLAUSE) BUT, THIS IS IF TODAY.
SERIOUSLY, THAT IS HOW IT STARTS.
>> CONVERSATIONAL. >> James: CONVERSATIONAL.
SERIOUSLY, YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL AT THAT ALTITUDE
THE FROSTBITE WAS SO BAD, THE FINGER SANDWICHES AT
-- I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN SAY IT. S WHO--NESS THINK TI IS HARD TO
PIN THIS ON JUST ONE PERSON. I DON'T KNOW IT IS F IT IS
BETTER OR WORSE BUT IT WAS KENNEDY.
>> James: SEAN KENNEDY. >> HOW ARE YOU FEELING, DO YOU
FEEL CONFIDENT. >> I FEEL CONFIDENT, I THINK WE
GOT A BANGER. I THINK WE GOT A BANGER.
>> James: SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY,
SERIOUSLY, YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL AT THAT ALTITUDE
THE FROSTBITE WAS SO BAD, THE FINGER SANDWICHES AT
THAT TEA PARTY, WERE ACTUAL FINGERS.
( AUDIENCE GROANS ) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE OF
THE "LATE, LATE SHOW."