Hi.
So today I am going to talk about three keys for living an empowered life.
Three keys.
And then at the very end I'm going to give you one other tool that you can utilize to
live a more empowered life If you're new to my channel, my name is Barbara
Heffernan and I've been a psychotherapist for 20 years, helping people recover from
anxiety and trauma and helping people navigate those difficult life transitions.
And I decided to start this online YouTube channel as well as a few other online programs
to bring information to more people about living a more joyful life.
I weave together some psychotherapy tools, some Buddhist philosophy, mindfulness meditation,
and some coaching tools to bring it all together into some powerful transformational coaching
videos and programs.
So please subscribe to my channel.
It makes a big difference.
It really supports the work that I'm doing and let's get started.
So one reason I decided to do a talk on this topic was that I had been getting a question
a lot that I think is a very important, very interesting question.
And people have been asking me, how can I live a more joyful life if my loved ones are
suffering?
Or how can I live a more joyful life if I have a family member or somebody very close
to me who's in a lot of pain and is bringing me down?
So I think that's a super important question because I understand it.
I know that as human beings we impact each other.
But I also think it is super important to empower yourself to live the most joyful life
you possibly can.
And I have heard this expression that as a parent you're only as happy as your least
happy child.
Well, I have three children and I have four stepchildren.
So if I only allowed myself to be as happy as my least happy child, I don't know that
I'd ever be happy because we all have moods.
They go up and down.
I can't tie myself to this group of people.
And then equal my mood to the lowest of all of them because their moods will fluctuate.
And when people have a mood disorder and the mood doesn't fluctuate, well that's a different
question.
But that person needs treatment, needs help, needs recovery, does not need me to match
the mood.
So I'm hoping that that makes sense to you and I'm going to give you a handful of tools
to help you move in that direction.
So tool number one to living a more empowered life is to accept what you are powerless over.
Now most people think of living an empowered life means I'm in charge, I take control of
things.
Yeah.
However, if you get stuck in a mode where you're trying to control the things that are
beyond your control, you'll never be happy and you'll never be in control and you'll
never be empowered.
So step number one is to accept what you are powerless over.
And there are many things we are powerless over as human beings, many, and we don't generally
like to admit it, but it's true.
And accepting it and acknowledging it and bringing that into your decision making really
helps enormously.
So let me use an example, sort of a light example, but let's say you were planning a
wedding and you really, really wanted to have a beautiful June wedding in new England because
it can be so lovely here in the spring.
And you picked an outdoor venue and then you spent all your time worrying about whether
it would rain or not.
And it rains here a lot in new England, which is why it's beautiful and green because grass
needs a lot of rain.
So you would be tying your happiness to something that was out of your control.
So if you fully accept, I'd really love to have an outdoor wedding, but it's not in my
control, you then come up with your plan B and you find an indoor venue or you find an
outdoor venue that also has an indoor venue that is good enough, that will be a wonderful
space for you for your magical day.
So you remain focused on what's truly important about the day.
So I know using the example of a wedding that most of you are not in the midst of planning
a wedding, but hopefully that gives you a sense of how focusing on what you can control
and what's truly important to you and letting go of what you're powerless over can really
help.
So key number one is to accept what you are powerless over.
Key number two is to accept other people for who they are as they are.
I can remember a client once told me that somebody said to her when she was dating to
put as is on the forehead of everybody she had a date with, but just to put as is on
their forehead because many women in particular, everybody might do this, but women are very
known for doing this.
They'll meet somebody and they'll be like, Oh well he's got some flaws here, or he's
doing these things I don't like, but I'll change him.
It's okay, I'll change him.
He's got good potential.
You might hear people say that, Oh, he's got really good potential no - as is - , so if
you think about how hard it is to change the things you would like to change, right?
We all have things we want to change and we know how hard change is.
And you're the ones watching this video.
You're the one trying to change, looking for information, investigating these issues.
You're motivated to change and it's hard.
So somebody who either doesn't acknowledge that they have a problem, doesn't agree with
you that they have a problem and or doesn't believe they can change, won't change, right?
Change is hard, even if you're motivated.
So accepting the people in your life as they are.
Oh, so I didn't actually finish.
So when this person told me that that had been shared with her as it is on the forehead,
I thought it was brilliant.
And I also thought we need to do that for everyone in our lives.
Not just people we're meeting the first time, not people we're dating, but everyone, the
toxic family member.
You get that person as is.
You've probably been spending a good portion of your life trying to change that person.
You probably spend a lot of your brain energy trying to figure out how to get this toxic
person to behave themselves and you can't do it.
Or maybe once in a while you have a little success and it gives you a little hope.
And then right, so as is, we are powerless over changing other people.
And I know it can be very hard to accept somebody as is when they have behaviors we don't like.
And when I talked about this this morning in the Facebook group, somebody commented
that they have an alcoholic in their family and they find it really, really hard to be
compassionate.
Well, being compassionate, it's wonderful, but that may not be the first step.
Having good boundaries, protecting yourself, emotional detachment, all of those things
might be necessary before you can feel that compassion and compassion does not excuse
inexcusable behavior.
So if you have somebody in your life whose behavior is inexcusable, it's inexcusable
and the person that needs to do something about that is actually you, not them.
So comment below.
Let me know if that hits home for you, if that makes sense.
But that toxic person with the inexcusable behavior, the one who can do something about
that, the one who can change is you and what can you change?
You can minimize the impact and I know people in the Facebook group this morning just kept
saying like, Oh, but it's a family member.
It's really hard.
Yeah, it's hard when it's people who are very close to us, it's difficult to detach from
them.
It's difficult to distance.
We might question whether we need to end the relationship totally or not.
Those are complicated questions, but basically once you accept that that person is as they
are, you can empower yourself by focusing on what you can do about it.
How do you live a happy life despite this toxic person and key number three, I'm going
to give you a second to guess here.
So if key number one is to accept what you are powerless over.
Key number two is to accept others for who they are.
And that both of those things allows you to focus on what you might be able to do about
it.
What comes to your mind?
What would be the word that would summarize key number three, when I asked that question
in the group this morning, I got answers such as focus on your own response.
Yes.
Pause.
Don't do anything.
Yes.
Often good advice.
Acknowledged that the person who judges me a lot can't judge me.
Okay, good.
And overall focus on what I can control.
So I agreed with all of those answers.
But the word I would like to use for that is boundaries.
Boundaries and boundaries are not all about saying no boundaries or understanding what's
my responsibility and what's their responsibility, what can I control, what can't I control?
Where do I end?
And somebody else begin.
And because we are human and we adapt and we move and we feel other people's emotions
and it can come in and out, learning our emotional boundary that this is the area I am responsible
for and other people's emotional realms are their responsibility.
And I can be compassionate and I can try to help, but I can't control it.
I can't take it on as my job.
So boundaries are a big topic and I spend a lot of time talking about boundaries both
in this free Facebook group.
So if you're interested, interested in having these kinds of conversations, feel free to
check it out.
Join us.
And then I also spend a lot of time on this in my six month intensive coaching program,
which really goes through the four pillars of joy.
I call the four pillars of joy.
Being mindful in the moment because that's where we feel joy having healthy boundaries
and I mean healthy boundaries with everybody, even those toxic people.
And it is possible having deep self knowledge and self compassion and then also healing
our negative core beliefs.
All of those things are needed to feel joy.
And I go through all of them in the six month coaching program, the Awaken Joy Journey.
So I encourage you to check that out.
But just coming back to the topic of today's video of how to live an empowered life.
Key number one except what you're powerless.
Key number two, accept other people for who they are.
And step number three, develop healthy boundaries, which requires understanding yourself, which
requires understanding your emotion, understanding where you end and other people begin what
you can do about it, what consequences you can put in place for yourself if you allow
your boundaries to be violated.
So these are big topics, but it is possible.
And then I said I would share one other thing, which is a key to being empowered and that's
your language.
And our language is so important and our society uses language that really disempowers us.
We say things like, he made me mad, she made me angry.
She made me upset, I made him angry.
I made her cry.
Like we are taking responsibility for other people's emotions when we say those things.
And we also say things like, I have to, Oh, I have to go to the store.
No, those statements are almost never true.
The statement is, I have to go to the store if I want to have groceries in the house.
So it's like it's always, there's always a choice there.
There's always a choice and empowering ourselves to be like, well, that's the sensible choice.
I am choosing it instead of I have to, I need to.
So again, I talk about these topics a lot more in my Facebook group.
I talk about them in my ongoing coaching program, and I invite you, join me in this dialogue
to empower yourself to living a more joyful life.
And thank you for checking out my YouTube channel.
Please do subscribe.
Give this video a like, leave me a comment.
I read all of them and I respond to most comments and I look forward to getting to know you
over time.
Bye bye.