my name is jack uh i'm from london
england uh this
is oh thank you thank you this is my
first ever time in new york my first
ever show
in new york so thank you for having me
thank you for having me
but comedy central comedy central
presents it's very exciting you know
oh if my dad could see me up here now
he'd be very impressed
but you know i'm sure whatever my dad is
now here he would be looking down on us
not dead just very condescending the uh
but i feel very lucky to be here i feel
very lucky to be here in one piece if
i'm
brutally honest yes on my way over here
right getting the plane over from london
we were sat on the tarmac for half an
hour so as you can imagine i was getting
quite concerned and then
the pa system comes on it's the pilot
and he genuinely says
ladies and gentlemen do not be alarmed
we are incurring a couple of minor
technical difficulties
in a couple of moments the cabin will go
quiet as we kill the engine
before we then reboot it and we should
be on our way
wait let's have a little week up there
i am on a little metal bird that is
about to travel through the air at
hundreds of miles per hour
and the way you plan to fix the current
problem is by switching it off
and then switching it back on again no
don't tell me that make up
make up some technical i'm on a plane
it's not a nintendo 64.
you might as well have just said if that
didn't work we're just going to send the
co-pilot out onto the runway to see
whether blowing on it works
very scared
because i'm a mummy's boy as well you
know my mommy i still i still live at
home i'm 22 years old i still live with
my parents
it's so sad because it's become quite
it's become quite difficult recently
right because i got into my first ever
long-term relationship i had a
girlfriend for a while okay
and it became very hard because i was
living at home and what i realized right
is my mum
will do anything she can within her
powers to deter me from having sex
in the family home sex elsewhere
that's fine yeah i went away on my first
ever stag weekend me and some friends
we went to this horny hooker-ridden
pimple in eastern europe called tallinn
estonia i went out there right my mother
helped me pack my bag
i arrived in estonia for the weekend i
opened the front
pocket inside she had packed 30 condoms
i was there for two days
i counted them when i came back there
was 31.
oh
she'll try anything though my mom she
does other stuff right like the other
thing she thinks i haven't noticed this
my mother
has tried to de-sexualize my bedroom she
thinks i haven't noticed it is so
obvious
like the longer i was going out with
this girl right the more children's toys
would suddenly appear littered on the
floor
family photographs adorning every single
mantelpiece a
massive framed picture of my creepy
uncle above the bed
and this huge mound of cushions as well
that you have to hack through before you
can even get into the sheets
and all the cushions have little things
embroidered on them as well to kill any
kind of sexiness you know home
sweet home mommy knows best daddy's
under the bed
my dad is very very embarrassing right
my dad is very embarrassing i i was
invited right
he he's 70 years old and he's got to
that level he just doesn't care what he
says anymore
i was invited in the uk to do this talk
show and one of the other guests on the
talk show was the internationally
acclaimed
rap superstar usher so i was very
excited
and before the show yeah usher i thought
what i'm gonna do right i'm gonna
introduce my dad to usher in the green
room
that'd be a good idea won't it
my dad went up to usher and asked him
for directions to his seat
he thought usher was an usher
because when i was growing up i used to
argue a lot with my dad
because over loads of different things
but there were a couple that kept
reoccurring
like one of them right is that when i
was younger i went through a phase for i
don't know about five years
where i really like robin hood and i
mean really like robin hood
to the level where i wanted to dress up
as him all the time and i mean
all the time and my dad hated this
the fact that he had to turn up to every
single family function that we were
invited to with his son
in little green fishnet tights because
he's hating it whenever i behave like
that as a child he's always tried to cut
it out that when i was 13 i was given
rollerblades by my mum for my birthday
because that's what i wanted
my dad confiscated them he's like you're
not having them they're far too gay give
them here
because he's always tried to clamp down
on my campness and i think you'll agree
he's done a fabulous job
i mean he still does it
he still does it we had one flashpoint
right one year okay it was a big one
one christmas i really wanted a barbie
okay
not in that way i i just want to i
wanted action man to have a date for the
ball you know he's a soldier he deserves
it
but my dad was like you're not having a
barbie there's no way i'm giving you a
barbie i was like well just give me my
allowance i will go out and buy the
barbie he was like i'm not giving you a
lapse you're not having it i was like
well that's it then i'm running away i'm
leaving home i'm going forever you won't
be seeing me again goodbye i'm out of
this house i hate you
this is your last chance to tell me that
you love me if you don't tell me you
love me now i'm out of that door
actually mother if i am to leave i
probably will require a bag so maybe you
could pack it for me i'm going to need
some provisions
an extra pair of tights and father give
me my rollerblades they are mine
well that's it i am gone for good this
time
i will not be seeing you again don't you
dare try and come and get me
i'm nearly gone now
it's too late for sorry's now i'm nearly
gone
i'm in the hallway don't you dare try
and come and get me
i'm by the door now mother goodbye
mother
i'm gone now
i never get very far what would happen
right
is i'd normally end up waiting on the
corner of the sidewalk
for my father to come and collect me in
the car he'd have to come in the car
even though i was 100 yards away from
the house that wasn't the point
i'd run away from home he was getting in
the car he'd have to drive to collect me
he'd have to give me my allowance so i
could buy my barbie doll
he'd have to tell me that he loved me
like a proper father would
and then we'd all go back home and it
would be happy families again
in the whitehall household you get some
really
weird looks from neighbors when age 13
you're stood on the corner of a sidewalk
in little green fishnet tights and
rollerblades
looking like a hooker out of starlight
express and then essentially
slowly getting curb crawled by your own
father
who drives up in a mercedes puts down
the window chucks some money at your
feet and screams i love you now get in
the car
you