alright let's get into a huge week for
Boris Johnson as he gave the go-ahead to
hs2 mooted a bridge between Scotland and
Northern Ireland and built a new cabinet
yes he's turned into Boris the Builder
the cabinet reshuffle was a lot more
dramatic than anyone thought it was
gonna be the Dortmund said is that okay
said Javed has quit as Chancellor now
some details have come out this morning
about the meeting that took place
yesterday so apparently it started out
nice it started out lately you've done a
great job and congratulations Laura
almost apparently as an afterthought
Boris Johnson went oh by the way you
need to sack all your special advisers
he's messed up there because anyone
knows that in business when you deliver
bad news you do it like using the
sandwich method right say something nice
yeah bit of praise yeah then deliver the
bad news and then end again with
something else nice but what Boris did
was just give him on toast
so Javed then went into another room to
think it over apparently the toilet you
crying in there said you'd know no he
didn't came back and resigned now
apparently Boris Johnson was was the
person who did all this there was no one
else in the room I'm gonna Cummings
wasn't there Dominic Cummings wasn't
there but it was definitely there's one
of those big mirrors like when the
police are doing a job is that a pair of
shoes under the curves the question is
why is this such a big deal and because
the thing is number 10 shouldn't
necessarily be in control of the
Chancellor because the Prime Minister's
job is to say hey we're going to do
these amazing things and it's the
Treasury's job to go well we can only
afford some of them it would be like
we'd be like if one of us basically went
home to one of our wives and said right
I want to build a mini replica of the
Emirates Stadium in the garden Alex and
that wife would then go listen I mean
it's a great idea I'm not sure we can
afford it right now that's kind of how
it works first of all one I thought it
was a great Valentine's present
and two I like the idea of calling
Mustafi from my own house
so the consensus is that this is
basically a cabinet of people approved
by this guy that we introduced to you
last week
Dominic Cummings where is he to fit in
with the crowd
[Applause]
in fact Dominic Cummings apparently
finished a special advisors meeting last
Friday by saying to them I'll see half
of you next week
I'll see half of you next week is what
my surgeon said to me before my
amputation
to be fair good news 3/4 of you came
back now earlier in the week Boris the
Builder officially gave the high-speed
Northern Rail Link HS to the green light
according to pundits this is the eighth
time it has been given a green light
since 2009 which means there is
something ironic and calling his project
high speed it's now expected to be
finished in 2014 which won't so yeah for
you to take advantage of that Adam mm
you need to still be playing rugby
league in Warrington when you're 69
absolutely the wire flier will eat you
for breakfast
but also defeat start sorry about HS
twos I yeah i'm bang up for going up
north 40 minutes quicker in 20 years
time but a moment all I just want is for
like the trains to be able to run in
inclement weather and also it doesn't
matter how much money they put into it
we all know that when it comes around on
Sundays is still going to take six hours
and you have to get a bus 20 40 is too
far in the future mm-hmm like you're
basically going you can get to one from
one apocalyptic wasteland to another 20
minutes just before they invent
teleporting anyway so this all seems to
be part of a push to make it look like
Boris is getting stuff done he got
breaks it done he got a chest to done he
got the cabinetry done but that wasn't
enough for Boris the Builder this week
Emma said is it okay that Boris Johnson
is talking about making a bridge from
Scotland to Northern Ireland yes the man
who said spending 60 million pounds on
investigating historic child sex
offenses was quote spaff Amun II against
a wall wants to build one of the world's
longest bridges over one of the world's
roughest stretches of water it would
also be over one of Britain's biggest
munitions dumps where a whole bunch of
unexploded World War two bombs have been
discarded it's literally a bridge over
troubled waters
is this a good idea me about it is from
the stories I didn't know that you could
dump bombs in like mattresses
turns out
it's a bad idea building a bridge from
one place 20 miles away to another place
over a load of weapons that's not the
plan of Prime Minister that's the plan
of Yee coyote and also if you want to
know how much that route needs to be
used there's some bombs on it and they
haven't gone off in 75 years no one is
using it who said you don't think
Scotland and Northern Ireland at the
moment are kind of like you know we need
someone suggest get in your present you
don't want the Christmas and at the
moment they're kind of like you know
what it's a lovely idea but can we just
have the money instead well here's the
thing this is all part of trying to make
it look like Boris's getting stuff done
and to be fair to Boris he's getting
some stuff done hs2 while way supporting
Jamaican people but is it this stuff
that actually needs doing because out
look out getting stuff done board up
here still doesn't have those extra
police or hospitals or nurses just yet
and as my granddad used to say if you're
building a bridge on a world war two
munitions dump you're gonna need a
hospital
well what are your thoughts but either
of you on the bridge between between
Scotland and no yeah that's not
happening do we not all know that that's
not happening that it's literally just
there's no way that that's for no other
reason is yeah there are big long
bridges all over the world whether they
and I've been bombarded these facts with
these since they're usually not built
over really deep water and the RC is 300
meters deep yeah how tall is the air
chard 300 meters okay I have to build a
chard a hundred times between Scotland
and Ireland right including building it
on Beaufort dike which is that ditch in
which this took a ton so you say a
million tons of explosives right and
then you think Irish people are gonna go
I could get the ferry or
I could drive to the Mulliken tire which
is only a seven-hour detour and then and
then drive my car across the most
wind-whipped bridge in the world
if the same as that flip wildly into an
explosive ditch just to end up in rural
Northern Ireland do you think Boris
cares about Ireland
oh god I could not I could not compress
my fingers enough to measure
[Applause]
I don't mean I don't mean like might the
Republic of Ireland I mean the Ireland
he is nominally the prime minister of
Northern Ireland equally like whatever
cuz he's already done them anyway I'll
note on there on the border like it is
essentially promise of everything and
then took votes and then there's gonna
be a border in between the two in
between the ticket yeah anyway so he's
he's shafted them anyway so this
monorail project decided they'll put on
the rounds amok like haver Brooke yeah
course it's never happened he couldn't
build a bridge from South London to
Northland
[Applause]
[Music]
put all you had to worry about were
potted plants
you