(bright lo-fi music)
- Hey, everybody. Happy Monday.
Today I wanna talk
about why we can be so scared of being happy.
Again, I was on a Patron livestream,
and we just have such great conversations over there.
So if you're interested, the link's in the description.
But we were talking about being happy
and how being happy can sometimes cause us to self-sabotage.
Or being happy can be so uncomfortable
that we avoid it at all costs.
And I just wanted to have a conversation
with you about it and also get your take.
So feel free to leave any thoughts that you have
in the comments down below.
Because this is something that's so incredibly common,
yet I don't know why I haven't talked about it.
I've been on YouTube for 10 years, you guys,
thousands of videos, never talked about it.
But the reason being.
So here's the premise.
Okay, so we can feel really happy in our life,
and something could be going really good, right?
Let's say we've started started therapy finally.
And we got out of that toxic friendship or relationship,
and maybe we finally got that job
we've been trying so hard to get.
And then we feel, like, maybe imposter syndrome creeps in,
or we find ourselves seeking out
maybe that unhealthy toxic relationship again.
Or I don't know, we can do a lot of different things
to maybe create an unhappy scenario again.
And we can wonder, "Why in the hell do I keep doing this?"
And the truth is that we always assume that being happy
is something that everybody strives for and wants
and that it's this amazing feeling
that all of us are like, "Yay," right?
But for many, we maybe never felt happy before.
And so, that feeling of things going our way
is uncomfortable because it's completely foreign, right?
I think we forget that some of us
didn't have healthy, happy childhoods,
and maybe it's always just been a struggle.
And so, when things are going well,
we're like, "Wait, what?"
Like, it just doesn't feel right.
It's like, I've talked about this before
when it comes to relationships,
how, if we're wanting to change patterns.
Like, let's say we keep dating the same type of person,
and we don't wanna do that anymore
'cause it never turns out well for us
or maybe it's abusive.
Then we date someone who's healthy,
happy, friendly, not abusive to us.
And we're like, "I don't know.
"They just don't give me the same excitement.
"I'm just not that interested in them, you know?"
Because that kind of relationship is uncomfortable.
And even my own therapist was telling me back in the day,
but right before I met Sean, she was like,
"I don't want you to jump into a relationship."
"I kind of want you to slowly take your time
"and be uncomfortable in your next relationship."
Because I was trying to break a pattern.
And so, I say all that to say
that sometimes being happy
is us trying to break that pattern,
and it's really uncomfortable.
And it can be hard for us to sit in it,
meaning, allow it to happen without taking action
that puts us back into a place where we feel bad again.
Because feeling bad is comfortable, right?
We're used to it.
And we kinda know what to expect.
So we can find ourselves trying to do that,
hence the self-sabotage.
Another component that I wanted to talk about
and something that we've talked about in relation to trauma,
but I think it applies here as well,
is how happiness can cause us to feel vulnerable
and make us feel like we're unsafe.
And the reason we talked about it in relation to trauma,
is we talk about how those of us who've been traumatized
and have PTSD or complex PTSD
can struggle to find a safe place to go to.
You know how some therapists might say,
"Find a safe place you can go to in your mind
"so you can work through this."
Well, safe can feel just as scary as unsafe.
I don't know if that makes sense.
But it's safe can feel unsafe because if we feel safe,
that means our guard is down and we're relaxed,
and that can make us more vulnerable to being harmed again.
And I think this applies when it comes to being happy
and being afraid of being happy.
It's that same kind of thing.
We can feel like we're gonna let our guard down,
and that can make us more vulnerable to some unhappiness
or some horrific thing occurring to us
that's gonna cause us to be unhappy again.
Does that make sense?
And so, in a way,
it's almost like we're hypervigilant,
like we're fighting against the happiness
because that feels kinda scary in and of itself.
And also kind of tying into that or rolling off of that
is the fact that when we can finally feel kind of happy,
I've heard this from a lot of patients
and a lot of you out there,
is that we can feel like we're waiting
for the next shoe to drop, right?
Like, "Okay, everything's kinda going well.
"When are things not going to go well?"
'Cause they always have in the past.
And I think that's what makes us great as humans, right?
We're super adaptable,
and we can sniff out patterns and figure out.
Like, we try to put everything into a category or a pattern
so that we're prepared for the future.
Does that make sense?
That's like what our brain is always doing.
It's constantly looking at our environment,
seeking out threat to our emotional or physical safety.
And so, in doing so, when we finally feel happy,
our brain is looking around.
It's like, "Uh-uh-uh.
"Last time we felt like this, remember?
"Then our parents got divorced, our grandma died,
"and then, you know, our dad started drinking."
Or I don't know, I'm just making up a scenario.
And so, our brain looks out, and it's like,
"Oh no, no. We know this.
"This is actually a threat to our emotional well-being."
Therefore, you know, it can put us into our stress response,
cause fight-flight-freeze-fawn to happen.
And/or, we can start to do things
to cause us to not be in that scenario
because we wanna remove ourselves from that threat
to lower that stress response and feel better.
Even if that feeling better actually means we're less happy.
Does any of this make sense?
I hope so.
Because I've been thinking about it a lot,
and I think it's way, way, way more common than we let on.
And I think all of us have different limits
to what we'll allow ourselves to experience
or allow ourselves to take in.
I even personally struggle to,
(exhales)
I don't know if the word's "acknowledge,"
but maybe it's more absorb things that I've accomplished.
And I know this sounds really silly to say it this way
and to even talk about it in relation to this.
But it's like, I worked really hard to write my two books.
And every time I do,
my mom and my friends and family will be like,
"Oh my God, that's amazing."
Even Sean is like, "This is amazing that you wrote."
Like, for my birthday this year,
he's like, "I really wanna treat you.
"You had a big year, you wrote a book," and blah, blah.
And people were all excited.
And I have a tough time allowing that to get in.
I'm like, "Oh no, no, no.
"If I start thinking of myself in that way,
"then I'm only gonna let myself down
"or let the people in my life down."
And that is what we're talking about.
I do it too.
It's like the struggle to admit that we're happy
and admit that we're proud and, like, good.
Because we're lookin' in the future thinking,
"Oh, but I don't wanna fuck this up," right?
And it's like, that's not it.
(scoffs) That's not healthy.
And I'm still working on how to not do it.
But I will tell you this.
Sometimes what I do
is I just allow people to give me compliments
or allow those stories to be told to me,
and I just don't fight back.
And I know that that sounds silly.
Like, why would you fight back?
But I don't know.
I don't know. I just do it.
But when it comes to the happiness,
maybe part of it's just letting ourselves feel it,
just letting it happen, and not fighting against it.
Noticing the urge to do the self-destructive behaviors.
And instead of just doin' it without thinking,
we're like, "I actually have a choice.
"And I don't know if I wanna do that."
Even if we end up doing it in the future
or doing it another time, I'm just saying,
in the moment, just recognizing it
sometimes prevents me from sliding
into that unhappy, unhealthy spiral,
and kind of not allowing myself
to feel the happiness or be happy
because of what, I don't know,
like, my self-destructive thoughts
and what I think could potentially happen.
I don't know.
I don't wanna ramble about this anymore.
But that's the topic today.
And I would love to hear more in the comments.
I'd love to have a conversation
with each and every one of you about your thoughts.
Are you afraid to be happy?
Is it scary to be happy?
Are you like me?
Do you just like, "Does not compute.
"La, la, la, I don't hear it."
Like, push it out, shut it down, negate it.
Or what's your pattern?
'Cause that's just mine and what I've heard
from my viewers and my clients over the years,
is just, sometimes it's hard to be happy.
Which doesn't make sense,
but it makes sense all at the same time.
When I was researching for this video,
'cause I wanted to read about it, right?
I wanted to learn more.
I'm like, "Why do people fear being happy?"
And read from you guys and your comments
and also researching about it.
And I learned a new word,
and I'm probably mispronouncing it.
But the fear of being happy is actually called cherophobia.
Again, probably mispronouncing it.
But essentially, what they think is that cherophobia
stems from our belief that if something good happens
or if we actually feel happy,
then it's like, I don't even know what we would call it.
But it's like this internal, deep belief
that if something good happens,
that means that something bad is going to happen.
Kind of like that waiting for the other shoe to drop, right?
It's like, if we're happy,
then something horrible is gonna happen
that's gonna cause us to be intensely unhappy.
And so, instead of allowing ourselves to feel happy
and be happy and just accept it,
we have cherophobia, meaning we're afraid of it.
And we avoid it at all costs.
Just like we would any phobia.
'Cause I personally, I don't think I have arachnophobia,
but I definitely don't like spiders.
And so, I will avoid them at all costs.
And I don't want them in my house.
"I don't wanna deal with them, Sean."
You know, it's like, just replace spider with happiness.
I'm like, "I don't want it in my house, in my life.
"No, no."
I make Sean deal with it. (chuckling)
Like, it's kind of funny
when you like replace one for the other
when it comes to phobias, especially things like happiness.
It almost is like a comedic relief.
But it's essentially what we're doing,
is that we're just avoiding it at all costs
because we feel that there's some kind of danger
associated with it.
And so, anyways, overall,
I think it's just kind of important
that we consider if this is something we're struggling with.
'Cause like I said, I've struggled with it myself,
and I find myself struggling
to accept or acknowledge happiness in my life
and let myself truly feel it.
I instead want to negate it.
And it's not even just like I can't take compliments,
'cause that's like a small portion of this.
It's almost like I don't deserve it.
Or if I do, then something bad's gonna happen.
That whole belief system needs to be challenged
and fact-checked in order for us to overcome it.
'Cause otherwise, I know personally,
I'll just keep gettin' caught in it over and over again,
and that doesn't lead me anywhere I wanna be.
'Cause really, happiness is something that we all want,
even if it feels kinda scary,
and we're like, "Ooh, I think something."
It's like, that still is the goal of life
and somethin' that we would want for others and ourselves,
is, like, we want to be happy.
We want to be content with our life.
And so, anyways, all I'm saying is pay attention.
Do you have cherophobia?
Is that what it was called?
I'm gonna say it wrong again.
But yeah, cherophobia,
like I do and other people in our community?
Do you think it stems from your fear
that something bad is gonna happen after?
Or do you think it's because of maybe trauma
or hypervigilance?
I would love to know more in those comments down below
and love to get your take.
Because each and every one of us, just like everything,
is gonna have a different experience,
a different perspective.
And I wanna hear more about it.
But this was really interesting to learn about.
It was really interesting for me to research
and read and talk to all of you about.
So if you have any other questions
or things you'd like me to address,
I'm happy to talk about it more,
and I'm happy to talk about other topics.
Just let me know in those comments down below.
And I'll see ya next time. Bye.
(bright lo-fi music)
Sorry guys. I had to take a pause.
If you hear a bark it's 'cause Roxy,
she's barkin' outside. (chuckling)
Roxy's our new puppy if you don't know.
Are they gonna hear it on the mic, you think?
I think it's good. Okay.
Learn from you.
Oh. (laughs)
Roll it.
Maybe go out with her just a couple minutes.
'Cause I just need like, two or three minutes.
'Cause she was like. (imitates dog snorting)
"Attack, attack!"
I think it's okay.
(bright lo-fi music continues)