- When you're thinking about the partner
that you want to attract into your life,
what qualities do you want most?
What is it that really matters to you?
What's most valuable to you?
You're gonna spend your life with someone,
you want to spend your life with someone
that's got amazing, valuable qualities,
and, unfortunately, some people shop for a relationship
the same way they shop for used cars, right?
They want low miles,
only one previous owner,
not too many previous owners,
maybe one, maybe two, not too many,
never been wrecked, right?
If it's been wrecked, it's been totaled,
never drives the same way, right?
So that's not a healthy way to shop for a relationship.
There are certain qualities
that you really want to look for in a life partner,
because if they have these qualities, they're a keeper.
And today, I'm gonna share with you
the three essential qualities you want in a life partner.
Check it out.
(gentle music)
Hey there, my name's Matt Boggs,
and I'm the founder of the Love and Relationships Division
here at the Brave Thinking Institute,
where our mission is empowering people
to create and live a life they love,
and that includes your love life.
So if you like this video,
click the subscribe button and click that little bell,
because, every week, we bring you new videos
to empower you in your love life.
So, today, we're looking at qualities to know
if your man is a keeper,
and what some people do is they look at the outside.
It's like looking at the outside of the car,
and as long as it's real shiny, they're gonna buy it
without ever knowing what's deeper or what's underneath.
And what that equates to in a relationship
is they'll look at they want a full head of hair,
they want a certain height in a man,
and those things are outside his control.
He can't control those things.
Way better to actually look at the qualities
that he has on the inside,
and even deeper than the qualities
that he has on the inside is how he uses those qualities
to create an experience for you.
And so, that's actually what we're gonna look for today.
We're going two layers deep,
to say if you experience these three things
in your relationship with him, he's a keeper,
and I call these the three Ss.
The first S is, if you feel seen.
Now, at the end of the day,
no one can cause you to feel a certain way.
We all get to decide how we're gonna feel,
and yet the people we're with can do a darn good job
in helping shape the experience that we're having.
And so, when you're in a relationship with him
do you feel seen?
Does he understand you?
Does he seek to have compassion
and validate your experience?
Or is he quick to point out what's wrong,
point out what's missing, argue the other side?
You know, some people pride themselves
on being the devil's advocate, arguing the other side,
saying what's wrong about this
or can you make sure that you see both sides?
Think about that.
They pride themselves on being the devil's advocate.
Who wants to be married to the devil's advocate?
That does not sound like an experience I want,
or really anybody wants.
And so, it's okay to disagree once in a while.
You're speaking your truth,
but do they help you feel seen?
Do they help you feel understood?
Just in a meeting I had last week,
my brother and I were debating something out
and we were talking about this new program
we wanted to launch, and I was arguing one side
and he was arguing the other side,
and we were kind of coming at it and it was getting intense,
and what I really appreciated about him is,
at the end of that moment, he said,
you know, I can understand your side.
I can see this part of what you're arguing,
and I can see how that would be really valuable
inside this program.
And we were able to come together and found,
actually, where we had common ground inside that scenario.
And that's such a valuable skillset for people to have.
It's the core of an authentic, strong, grounded quality
that someone has that can help you feel seen
and help you feel understood.
The second S is, do you feel sexy in their presence?
Now, again, your sexiness comes from the inside out.
It's not someone else validating or affirming your sexiness
that gives you your sexiness.
You own it, but they sure can celebrate it.
They sure can help evoke that radiance in you.
So does your man tell you you're sexy?
Is your man flirting with you in sexy ways?
Can you feel your man desiring you?
Do you catch him looking at you
when you're not looking at him?
There's great movie called "Before Sunrise".
It's one of my all time favorite love stories,
and the two main characters are getting to know one another.
They're building attraction for one another,
falling in love together,
and they go to this little music store
and they're standing in this little booth,
listening to this record,
and they're catching each other looking at each other,
but because it's so early in the relationship,
they're looking away.
Is your man helping you feel sexy?
Is he looking at you?
Is he noticing you?
Can you feel him desiring you?
That's a great quality that you want
in a long-term relationship.
And number three, the third S, is do you feel safe?
Because just as much as feeling sexy is important
and sexy often comes with adventure and new experiences,
feeling safe and secure helps you open your heart.
Feeling safe and secure helps you become vulnerable,
helps you share more of yourself.
And so, there are certain ways in which a man will show up
that helps you feel safe.
Number one, he shows up in a way where he respects you.
He respects your thoughts,
he respects your feelings, and he protects your heart.
He has your back, in other words.
Number two, his words and actions match.
He follows through on what he says he's gonna do.
He keeps his promises,
so you know that you can count on him.
And number three is he anticipates your needs
and communicates well with you.
In other words, he anticipates that you might want to know
the plan for this weekend and what to expect
so you can wrap your mind around it.
He anticipates that you're gonna want to know
where you're going so you can anticipate
what you're gonna wear.
All of that communication,
where you can trust that he's gonna follow through,
you can trust that he's got your back
and he's gonna protect your heart,
and you can trust he's gonna give you a heads up
on what to expect helps create this feeling of safety,
where you can really relax.
And when you're relaxed and when your heart is open,
that's where the deepest bonding occurs.
And so, I want to share with you a beautiful story
that I recently read in "Chicken Soup for the Soul",
and it's written by Margie Parker.
And it's a beautiful demonstration
of how her husband shows up in a way
where he helps her feel seen, feel sexy, and feel safe.
And here's what Margie writes:
"Just home from a four day stay in the hospital,
I insist that washing my hair is an immediate necessity.
It really isn't.
A warm and steamy bathroom seems to be the perfect place
for me to hide from the fear twisting around my heart.
I have postponed the inevitable moment
all the way through undressing, and I have postponed it
through sinking into the warm, soapy water,
but I can postpone it no longer.
So I allow my gaze to slowly and cautiously drift downward
to the empty space where my left breast used to be.
It is bruised, green, and yellow,
and filled with black stitches covered with dried blood.
It is such an indignity, so brutally ugly.
Quickly, I concoct exotic mental plans
to keep my husband, Jim, from ever again seeing me naked.
Mutual passion has been such a strength in our marriage,
but now all of that seems over.
How could I entice him with a lopsided and mutilated figure?
I'm only 43 years old,
and I'm so deeply ashamed of my body for this betrayal.
I lie back in the bath, waves of sadness washing over me.
The bathroom door swings open,
and Jim walks straight through my cloud of self pity.
Not saying a word, he leans over
to slowly place his lips onto each one of my eyelids.
He knows this is my most favorite
of our private I love you traditions.
Still silent, and without hesitation, he bends down further.
I brace myself for the barely hidden revulsion.
Jim looks directly at my wound
and gently kisses the prickly stitches,
once, then twice, three times.
He stands up and smiles lovingly me,
then he blows me a special air mail kiss,
my second most favorite tradition,
and softly closes the door behind him.
My warm, grateful tears roll down my cheeks
and drop gently into the bath water.
The bruise on my chest is still there,
but the one in my heart is gone."
Now, I love this story,
because it's such a beautiful demonstration
that in a moment when his wife is there, vulnerable,
feeling ugly, feeling like her body betrayed her,
her man comes in and helps her feel seen,
helps her feel sexy, and helps her feel safe.
So in your relationship, those are the qualities
that you want to look for.
You want to notice,
what's my experience in this interaction with this man?
Do I feel sexy?
Do I feel safe?
Do I feel seen?
And if you do, that man is a keeper.
And my question for you is what qualities have you noticed
make your man a keeper?
Go ahead and post those in the comment section below.
I appreciate you.
Thanks for watching, and I'll see you soon.
(cheerful music)