The DC film universe is grim, gritty, and dark.
Many goofy, wacky characters will never grace the silver screen, and if they do, you'll
barely recognize them.
Here are DC characters that Hollywood would never be able to get right.
For decades, the general public saw Captain America as a laughable buffoon.
Sure, comics fans always knew he was cooler than his reputation, but everyone else laughed
at the flag costume, the earnest demeanor, and the patriotic platitudes.
So it's no wonder that back in the ever-cynical 1990s, DC roundly mocked Steve Rogers by premiering
a spoof hero named General Glory.
This red, white, and blue-clad doofus was the embodiment of what non-fans think Captain
America is: a ridiculously patriotic World War II soldier who worships America and gives
lots of long, boring speeches.
Believe it or not, this guy actually earned membership in the Justice League before dying
of a heart attack.
But he won't ever be in the movies.
One big reason is that the Marvel Cinematic Universe has changed the public perception
of Captain America in a big way.
Fans have seen the MCU subverting Cap's doe-eyed, dogmatic stereotypes to show a rebellious
and earnest hero willing to take down entire intelligence agencies if it means protecting
people.
Plus, the MCU's playful style has already lampooned Cap's sillier aspects.
"How many of you are ready to help me sock ol' Adolf in the jaw?"
In today's cinematic world, General Glory would just seem like a spoof that missed the
point.
If there's one Batman foe whose name will never appear on the big screen, it's Mitchell
Mayo, better known as the Condiment King.
Yes, that's really his codename.
Silly as the Condiment King is, he's not so unusual a figure in the realm of comic books
or cartoons, where a series can last for years and intentionally goofy bad guys are actually
fairly common.
In big-budget movies, though, screentime is gold, and nobody would be happy if the first
five minutes of the next Batman film were wasted on this buffoon.
It'd be even worse if the filmmakers went through mountains of effort to turn the Condiment
King into a real bad guy instead of just adapting a great and unused villain.
Condiment King did manage to get a quick cameo in The Lego Batman Movie, but that's the closest
he'll ever come to big screen fame.
Brother Power the Geek started his life as a mannequin brought to life by a bolt of lightning.
Yes, he's a puppet Frankenstein, or an electrified Pinocchio, depending how you look at it.
Anyway, this living mannequin also gets superpowers, but he doesn't go on some cliche rampage.
Instead, he embarks on a psychedelic adventure through hippie counterculture, learning the
values of love, peace, and pacifism.
Eventually, he sees the limits of his approach and decides to make a real difference in the
world by running for U.S. Congress where he comes face to face with his wicked archenemy,
Ronald Reagan.
Considering that the CW's Arrow won't even dare to glance at Oliver Queen's famously
liberal politics in the comics, there's no way a faithful adaptation of Brother Power
the Geek is ever happening.
Sure, Watchmen is political, too, but a movie with Ronald Reagan as the big bad, shooting
a living hippie mannequin into space?
Some things just aren't meant to be.
You could write a history book on the complicated relationship between Stan Lee and Jack Kirby,
the brilliant creative duo who brought so much of the Marvel Universe to life.
For now, though, the key thing to understand is that by 1970, Kirby was tired of how Lee
always took credit, so he packed up and went over to DC.
If there were any doubt that Kirby carried a grudge against his former partner, the truth
became crystal clear in Mister Miracle #6.
In the issue, Kirby introduces a villainous braggart named Funky Flashman, who is clearly
supposed to be a pastiche of Stan Lee.
Not a lighthearted one, either.
Kirby's story essentially depicts Marvel Comics as a former slave plantation, while Funky
is a deceptive, powerless crook whose livelihood depends on convincing others he's worth more
than he really is.
Yeah, Jack was bitter, that's for sure.
For comics fans, the Kirby/Lee split is like the breaking up of the Beatles.
While Marvel Comics came to life thanks to the efforts of both iconic creators, people
will probably forever debate who was in the right regarding their split.
Funky Flashman was mean-spirited enough in the comics, but if introduced to film, especially
after Stan Lee's death, the character would seem outright hostile.
If you read some of those influential Justice League comics from the late '90s, you might
be surprised to find that the teammate with the giant wings isn't Hawkman, but a guy named
Zauriel.
This flying do-gooder was a major hero for a while and was popular enough that you'd
expect him to pop up in a film someday.
There's just one issue: He's an angel.
As in, a real, honest-to-goodness Christian angel, sent down by Heaven to perform some
commanding righteousness.
Now, plenty of ancient mythologies make prime fodder for superhero movies, particularly
the Greek and Norse varieties.
However, there's no way Warner Bros. wants to start populating their cinematic universe
with any mythology from contemporary religions.
Bringing Zauriel into the movies could mean transforming him into an everyday alien with
wings, or something along those lines, but at that point, he wouldn't even be Zauriel
anymore, so why bother?
If you've ever gone digging for the goofiest superheroes in comic book history, you're
probably familiar with Matter-Eater Lad.
A member of the Legion of Superheroes, this cheerfully hungry dude comes from an alien
species which evolved to eat everything.
That means that no matter what you throw in front of Matter-Eater Lad, he's going to chew
and swallow his way through it.
A metal fence?
No problem.
Ray-guns?
He's your guy.
Those three tough-as-nails bodyguards blocking the door?
Um … sure?
Not only is Matter-Eater Lad absolutely ridiculous, he's also so overpowered that he could chew
through Darkseid in seconds.
On film, this would lead to every villain being easily defeated in such silly ways that
even someone as dominant as Captain Marvel would look mild in comparison.
Besides that, putting him into live-action would also lead to way too many awkward questions.
What do his bowel movements look like?
Who knows, though… maybe this guy is the next Deadpool.
"Not on my watch, motherf-----."
So, lots of people will tell you that Catman, aka Thomas Blake, is far more interesting
than his name might imply.
They'll say that he's a developed character who has come a long way from his not-so-impressive
beginnings.
In a movie, though?
It just won't matter, because "Catman" is an absurd vigilante identity.
No matter how you try to maneuver around it, film is a visual medium, and a live-action
Catman would just come across like a half-Batman, half-Catwoman reject, with a dash of Wolverine
and none of the flair.
People would constantly be asking if he's the long-lost son of Bruce and Selina, or
wondering why he couldn't be bothered to come up with a more unique identity instead of
just stealing her whole identity.
Not every character can easily translate to film, and Catman is a prime example of that.
Marvel and DC often rib each other by creating knock-off versions of the other company's
characters, which is how Batman Beyond featured a spoof of the Fantastic Four called the Terrific
Trio.
Comprised of a Reed Richards knockoff named 2-D Man, an ice-powered woman called Freon,
and a human-turned-molten monster referred to as Magma, these do-gooders live in a big
tower and are Neo-Gotham's biggest heroes.
That all changes when the sinister truth regarding their origin story is revealed, and they turn
into city-destroying bad guys that only Batman can stop.
Obviously, these guys aren't coming to a cinema near you.
While the Fantastic Four are huge heavy-hitters in the comics, their feature film adaptations
haven't fared quite as well.
At this point, releasing a movie making fun of them would just feel like punching down.
Besides all that, if a Batman Beyond movie does get made someday, the Batman of the future
has plenty of other A-list villains before the Terrific Trio should even be considered.
Superman's animal buddies with their little red capes are a lovely nugget of Silver Age
silliness that has somehow managed to survive into the present day.
Even today, everybody loves Krypto the Superdog.
However, not so much affection remains for Supergirl's noble steed, Comet the Super-Horse.
That's because this equine is a major creep.
All through the years as Comet accompanied Supergirl into battle, the flying horse nursed
a bizarre crush on her.
To be fair, he was originally a centaur, rather than a regular horse, but that doesn't make
things much better.
He's still thousands of years old!
Even worse is that Comet's "love" for Kara apparently dated back to seeing her soon after
she was born.
The story only piles on the gross factor when he found a way to transform into a human whenever
a comet passes close to Earth.
During those moments, he's able to start a romantic relationship with Kara but without
revealing his true identity.
So there you go.
If you thought Comet was just a goofy, old-fashioned joke hero like Streaky the Supercat, now you
know that he's actually one of the ickiest DC characters ever.
No wonder they haven't put him in the Supergirl TV show.
These days, the former "Justice League of America" usually goes without the nation-specific
part of their title.
That makes sense, considering the team is more likely to save the galaxy from aliens
than participate in voter drives.
Back in the day, though, the JLA was assisted by Justice League Europe, but they weren't
the only region-specific Justice League.
One comic book even introduced an exceptionally weird pocket organization from the south called
Justice League Antarctica.
You'd probably figure that this team's duty was to reverse climate change or fight shape-shifting
monsters from space alongside Kurt Russell, but you'd be wrong.
Justice League Antarctica was actually comprised of B-list villains pretending to be heroes.
Supposedly, the real reason they're stuck at the South Pole is because the real Justice
League wanted to put these jokers somewhere they'd cause the least damage.
Little did they know the team would soon be facing off against the threat of killer penguins.
Considering the concept of "villains turned heroes" is already associated with the Suicide
Squad, not to mention Marvel's Thunderbolts, don't count on seeing these strange fellows
anytime soon.
Everyone remembers Batman: Year One.
It's the definitive Batman story, in many respects.
Not as many people remember Batman: Year Two, mostly because it wasn't very good.
However, one noteworthy contribution that Year Two did make to the Bat-mythos was a
skull-faced bad guy known as the Reaper.
This Death-themed evildoer is Judson Caspian, a wealthy Gotham socialite who by night prowls
the streets with scythe-shaped wrist blades, executing those he deems immoral.
The big twist?
His daughter, Rachel, is engaged to Bruce Wayne!
Another big twist that isn't quite as cool is that he makes lots of painfully awkward
references to a certain Blue Oyster Cult song.
"Alright here we go, don't fear the reaper, take one."
Putting Year Two's quality aside, the Reaper's character has a lot of potential.
That's why the Andrea Beaumont character in Batman: Mask of the Phantasm borrowed all
the best elements of the character, cut out the bad ones, and became a fan-favorite villain.
At this point, if Warner Bros. ever approached the Reaper concept, they'd be far more inclined
to adapt the far more interesting Phantasm over the lesser skull-faced villain.
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