almost everywhere that you go in the world people have a very rigid mentality about
how relationships should look and what a person should and shouldn't do in order
to have those relationships those relationship models are paradigms that exist in the culture
that we were born into and that we are a part of are thought to be all that exists
every relationship has to match it and anything that does not adhere to that Paradigm we either
don't even think of as a possibility or we judge as bad and wrong deviant even
thank you
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for example for one person the Paradigm that they've adopted might be the picture
of a perfect nuclear family unit which means that they think what is right is
to find a significant other to form a monogamous bond with and get married and
live together in a home and eventually have kids together for another person the Paradigm
that they think is right is to put effort into becoming as good looking as possible
to develop an agreeable personality and to become a successful professional
so that someone will want them enough to choose them as a partner for another person the Paradigm
that they think is right is to have their parent move in with them once they're old to become their
parents caretaker for another person the Paradigm that they think is right is to have different
lives than your other family members have but to come together at the end of the day to share food
for another person the Paradigm that they think is right is to compromise in relationships
for another person the Paradigm that they think is right is the picture of living together in a
commune Off the Grid where everyone is equal relationship paradigms can get us into real
trouble no matter what time period we are living in but right now humanity is in a
time period where it will not work to stick to the current relationship paradigms that we are
accustomed to in fact this is a big reason why so many relationships are just not working right now
here are just some of the downsides to relationship paradigms.
1. They're not designed to accommodate individuality. They are a model that everyone
must squeeze themselves into and some people are able to do so but many people struggle their whole
lives to do so. So you can understand this, here's an example. In the 1950s the relationship Paradigm
was that every woman should get married and should be the perfect housewife. So what are you supposed
to do if you know that to be the right model for a relationship but you detest cleaning and cooking?
Or if you feel a burning passion to do something like scientific research? Here's another example.
What if the Paradigm shifts and the right relationship is suddenly partnership where
both people do the same things? Such as divide the household chores equally or have a career
so that they contribute equally to finances but you desperately want to be a homemaker and focus
on raising the kids and not carry Financial pressure? or what if the current Paradigm
is that only women and men should be together sexually and you're attracted to the same sex
or what if a relationship Paradigm is that only tall men are considered desirable by women and
you're five foot four two. These paradigms don't change perfectly with the times. The world can
change and Society can change and things can happen and variables can change which make the
relationship Paradigm impossible but people still struggle to try to adhere to them people suffer a
great deal and make other people suffer a great deal because of this for example a country can
suffer a war and so many men can be killed that there are millions more men than there are women
and that same country can still hold through the relationship Paradigm that each woman is
supposed to be in a romantic relationship with one man and one man is supposed to be
in a romantic relationship with one woman statistically this will never happen so if
the relationship Paradigm is maintained millions of women have a doomed relationship life and the
increase of female competition Dynamics is going to negatively alter the entire social atmosphere
three relationship paradigms become the way that we establish Security in relationships they act
as a crutch or a sense of false security making it so that the people in the relationship quite
frankly fail to actually Master relationships and establish actual relationship security because
of it for example, we may hold the relationship Paradigm that family is about being blood related.
And we may hold a belief that being related by blood means you are close and connected and
therefore, secure. When the reality is that someone could be a family member and be abusing you or
failing to put any energy into understanding you or choosing not to be there for you when you need
them, Etc. The fact that you are a family means absolutely nothing with regards to creating a
secure relationship. The way that a person conducts themselves in the relationship with you is what
establishes genuine security. Or for example, we may feel more secure in a relationship because
the Paradigm that we're adhering to is marriage. The structure of being married may make us feel
like we have belonging, or like we'll be taken care of, or like the other person isn't going away, but
as we know all too well, a person can be married and kill their spouse, or married and abandon their
spouse, or married and create a toxic environment of Destruction and dysfunction. The structure
of the relationship should not be where we are getting our sense of security in relationships
from. We should be getting it from the way that a person conducts themselves in relationship with us.
four their rigid nature quite often makes them an adversary to people's unique situations and
unique needs they're intensely limiting and this creates huge massive suffering they prevent people
from becoming creative enough with how their relationship life looks in order to live happy
healthy lives for example people have so many various social needs it's impossible for one
person to meet all of those needs and so if a person's current relationship Paradigm is that
they need to find Mr Mrs Wright the right person to meet all their needs they will fail and they're
likely to feel starved in some way as well as deeply dissatisfied with their partner and this
is going to lead to Mutual shame and lots of conflict or if we have a passion for something
specific but we hold the Paradigm that we must be home to raise children if we have them we may
fail to even look at the plethora of potential creative options there are for being able to
have children while pursuing that passion we may simply give up our passion to have children and
be deeply dissatisfied because of it and do a terrible job raising these children because of
this underlying resentment of what we sacrificed in order to have them five relationship paradigms
don't actually reflect what is objectively good or right or healthy relationship paradigms don't
just come out of nowhere and as far as our species is concerned they definitely don't
happen because they are natural each relationship Paradigm had to be created and decided upon by
someone or by a group of people and then taught to others for some reason and then
adopted by Society at large for some reason for example when humans made the transition from a
foraging species to an agrarian species the land ownership became one of the most important things
to people and suddenly paternity mattered thus marriage was created and its original primary
purpose was to bind women to men and thus guarantee that a man's children were truly
his biological heirs through that marriage a woman became a man's property women cannot own property
at that time love didn't even enter the picture of marriage until the middle ages in fact and
it was a hella slow concept to catch on it didn't really take root the United States until the 1920s
the history of how and when certain relationship paradigms came to be established shows them in
context but even if it might have been right or good at a specific time under specific conditions
it doesn't mean that it's currently good and right and healthy 6. relationship paradigms have
a tendency of putting us in lose-lose situations they often set us up to have to prioritize certain
needs over other needs in a way that makes life satisfaction impossible for example
look no further than the countless numbers of gay men throughout history who had to choose to keep
their life and their social position and lose the person who they truly loved or to choose a life
with the person that they love and lose their social positions and possibly be killed for it
just because you think something is normal doesn't mean that it is healthy doesn't mean that it is
right and doesn't mean that it is good and most especially does not mean that it will work for
you specifically the time has come to break the current relationship paradigms or at the very
least break ourselves free from them to break the molds the time has come to design new and
different creative Arrangements we are being called to reinvent how we have relationships
we are being called to change the way the relationships look we are being called to do
away with our rigidity regarding how relationships should and shouldn't be and who they should and
shouldn't be with take some time to think about what the current relationship paradigms are
the ones that Society holds and the ones that you yourself hold what do you think that each
different kind of relationship should look like what do you think a person should and shouldn't do
in order to have each of these different kinds of relationships are there any kinds of relationships
that do not adhere to those paradigms that you judge as bad or wrong or even deviant is there
a relationship Paradigm that you're struggling with because it doesn't seem to work anymore
what's prevented you from throwing away that model if it doesn't seem to be working for you
what has prevented you from inventing a new one if you became really creative about meeting each
one of your relationship needs what might your relationship life look like each and every person
is being called to be intensely creative so as to customize the relationship sector of their life so
that it reflects what is uniquely healthy and good and right for themselves and the other people who
are in those arrangements with them regardless of what other people may be doing or not doing
the structure of society will absolutely change because of it
because the structure of society is very much set up on top of these relationship paradigms that
change is not going to be straightforward it's not going to be a change that is absent of challenges
but those changes will improve society and they will drastically improve your quality of life
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that you have to step into awareness I'll see you in the next video [Music]