What to do when your husband cheats on
you
over and over again? We hear this
at The Marriage Foundation over and over
again
and I'm going to help you really see
this the way you have to see this
if you want to save your marriage and
turn it around.
My name is Paul Friedman, many years ago
I
founded The Marriage Foundation because
I recognize
that most of the information that
is available to us in the world is
simply
wrong. It's actually destructive.
So I began doing this in 2001, I've got a
good track record
of helping people but what I'm going to
tell you is going to
sound a little harsh and I want you to
stay with me
anyway and just listen, just listen.
You can say, "Oh, that's his opinion," but
then think about it
later. One of the things that really
is troubling for us because we have
counselors here too
it's a decent sized organization is that
people write in and they say, "I tried
everything." Well,
it isn't like that. You didn't try
everything. You did try everything that
you
thought about maybe even tried
everything
that you read about but if you tried
things that actually worked
then your husband would not cheat on you
the second time. So here is the hard part
for you to hear so please
be receptive. Your husband cheated on you
because the marriage that you have with
him
isn't working for him. And in his own way
rather than leaving you,
he's trying to supplement the things
that he is
lacking in the marriage
with outside
whatever it is he's lacking.
I don't know what it is he's lacking
specifically
in terms that will really totally make
sense to you but I'm going to try
because usually there's one thing.
Only one thing. It's interesting
that the marriage experts out there
don't tell you this one thing.
They tell you, "He's missing sex. He's
missing
romance. He's missing good meals." I don't
know.
All that stuff is BS anyway.
What he's missing is
the real reason why he married you
in the first place. He
married you and everything falls under
that
all the behaviors that these
psychologists
will tell you that he's missing. They all
fall under
these two high
line items.
One is he wanted to be
happier just like you did.
He got married in order to be happier
and not just on the wedding day but
every day of your lives.
The other thing is much more
important. He wanted to experience
love, unconditional love, marital love
whatever you call it
but love without conditions
love without
desires attached, love without
a deal. I'll give you this, you give me
that just
pure love. The irony
because look you're not the only one
experiencing this.
Look at the divorce rate and then look
around how many marriages are actually
happy
and you can have a happy marriage.
It is actually easier than you
think
but it has to be based on this
principle of unconditional love
being the centerpiece of your marriage.
The irony
is that marriage is a setup
for you to have unconditional love. Why?
Because the reason we don't love the way
the prophets have told us to love. Love
your enemy, love everyone equally.
Love as God loves you. The reason we
don't do that
is because we would get clobbered. This
world
is a harsh world. The people who do do
that in spite of getting clobbered
are saints but in a marriage
you can be a saint within your marriage.
You don't have to go out and love
everybody unconditionally
in order to experience unconditional
love. You only have to love your husband
unconditionally
and you're in a safe space.
You don't risk anything
but we don't learn this. So here you have
this perfect
set up to love your husband
unconditionally, unconditionally
more than your own child. You love your
children
unconditionally I know that but you were
compelled to do that.
So sometimes it's very frustrating
because they don't love you back but
your husband, you chose him.
You literally told him, "I will love you
with all my heart, mind, and soul."
You told him that. You promised that and
you are not doing it,
and how do I know you're not doing it?
And don't tell me you
cook for him, you clean for him, you do
this for him blah blah blah.
If you loved him unconditionally, you
would never even say,
"I do this for him,"
because it would just be a natural
extension of your love
these behaviors and you wouldn't even
think about it.
It takes a shift. We have this
course for women.
We also have a course for men but let's
just talk about the course for women.
It's helped thousands of people and what
happens,
and it begins with something that's very
interesting. You'll never
even guess what it is. Most people don't
because we live in a world of
no one knows what the heck is going on.
They shouldn't call this planet earth.
They should call it
no one knows what the heck is going on.
We have a mind. You have a mind.
You are a soul who has a mind.
You're not the mind. You're not the body.
You have a body and you have a mind.
This mind is never controlled by you.
It's like getting into a car, a vehicle
and you go, "Okay. Here's what I want," and
you hope that the car will just take you
there.
Well, the mind is a device. It's a tool.
It's like your computer
brings in information. You calculate
what you should do or the mind does
without your interference is what's
happening now
and then you do it. It's all habit. So the
very
first step that I
impose on people in our course for women
is I teach you how the mind works. I
teach you what it does
and then I teach you how to control it
and I give you
tools to do so. It's not so easy
and I have this technique I
created called The SEW technique.
Stop, Evaluate and act with Wisdom so SEW
not so. And so, women start the course
and they use the sew technique only on
their behavior.
The first step is
control your tongue.
You got to influence yourself. You got to
tell yourself what to do
so your mind is going "fight back",
"tell them off", "tell them this." And so,
I go look, stop. Evaluate this
and then use wisdom what should you
actually do.
And then women go, "I've been doing this
SEW technique
for weeks and he's not
changing,"
but we don't just use the SEW technique
for our behavior. We use the SEW technique
on our habitual thoughts. We want our
thinking to change and the SEW technique
is invaluable for doing that. So we go
through the day and we stop
our thoughts and we change them
and then there's a shift
where pretty soon because we get the
mind under control. Your heart opens up.
Now you're trying everything because now
what you're doing is you're changing
yourself
and not in the image that I propose
although I give much guidance
but in the image that you propose using
your wisdom, your heart, your love.
And then you start becoming the person
that your husband thought he was
going to be married to. You start finally
becoming that person
that loving woman
who he can't resist and no
sex that's out there, no porn,
no dating sites. None of that can compare
because learning to love unconditionally,
unconditional love is irresistible
because it attracts us
at the level of who we are, souls.
And then he's not cheating on you
anymore
and you can't say it's because I changed
this or I changed that.
It's because I changed me.
I took charge of my mind. I
took charge of opening up my heart
and then and this is not, "Okay, well
you've tried that. Try this."
No. We have counselors who
stand by and respond to your questions.
No, doing this doing that,
who cares. You have to change yourself
and it's unique to you and to him,
and it's beautiful and the progress that
you will make
is beautiful and your marriage will
become
beautiful. It will become fulfilling
and you will be fulfilled and he will be
fulfilled and it's like floating on
cloud nine.
It's almost miraculous and you go, "Why
didn't we
learn this stuff before?"
Well, you get to learn it now.
Your marriage should fulfill you. You
should be
so filled with love, so filled with joy,
walking on cloud nine all the time
in love, in happiness, in joy
that's what marriage is all about. He
will never
think of cheating you. He will start
changing his
thinking to match his experience.
When I was a kid and I was starting to
be a teenager
it was in the 60s and people were
starting to cheat on people
and this open stuff,
terrible stuff totally misses the point
of life.
And I asked my uncle I said, "Did you
cheat on Aunt?"
I grew up Jewish you'll know it
in a second.
He goes, "Why should I buy a hamburger
down the street when I have a buffet at
home?"
Wow, wisdom. He won't cheat on you
when he has a buffet at home. I'm Paul
Friedman. I
founded The Marriage Foundation. We're
here to help you.
Subscribe to this channel obviously so
you can learn more
but go to our website
themarriagefoundation.org.
Start tune into the podcast that we have
too. It's kind of cool because there we
talk about social issues and
all kinds of things.
Read our articles, discover so you can
have that
unbelievable marriage that you signed up
for.
Thank you! God bless! Thanks for spending
time with me! And like the video
if you don't mind and leave a comment.
God bless
and take care!