[Disclaimer read by Freeza]
[Please keep these captions clean for those who need them. Funny extras can be added to the English (Canada) subs. Thank you!]
NARRATOR: Last time on Dragon Ball Z Abridged...
KRILLIN: WAH! WAH! WA--!
FREEZA: Oh, out of *all* the people I've blown to bits, that one will hold a special place in my heart.
GOKU: (Shakes/grunts in anger)
FREEZA: Oh, what's wrong, monkey? Come on now, give me something funny.
GOKU: You... killed my best friend...!
FREEZA: Ha! That is pretty funny. Hilarious, actually.
GOKU: RRAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHH!!
FREEZA: What?!
GOHAN: Dad?
GOKU: HM!
FREEZA: That's... that's not funny.
[High pitch signal]
KING KAI: I don't believe it! Goku has truly done it. He has become...
the one and only Super Saiyan™!
...Right?
NARRATOR: Y...yeah...
KING KAI: You hesitated there for a second.
...What?
[♫ "Cha-La Head-Cha-La" ♫]
♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫
♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫ (With a smile that’s Ultra-Z)
♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫ (Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~)
♫ Sparking! [fading echo] ♫
FREEZA: What the hell is all this about?
What's up with your hair? What's up with your eyes?
Answer me!
GOKU: Gohan...
Take Piccolo, find Bulma, get back to the ship.
GOHAN: But what about you?
GOKU: If Piccolo dies, then all this was pointless! Take him, get to the ship, and get out of here!
GOHAN: This is surprisingly well-thought-out for you.
GOKU: Gohan, where should you be right now?
GOHAN: The ship?
GOKU: *The SHIP*!
GOHAN: OK!
FREEZA: Oh-ho, real cute. But at the very least, I do love a moving target.
GOKU: Hurrh!
FREEZA: Gah! What are you--... let go of me!
GOKU: I'm going to *break* you...
FREEZA: What?
{CRUNCH} AAH!
GOKU: ...like a Kit-Kat™ bar.
FREEZA: ...*What*?
D'AAAGH!
'*What*?!'
{CRUNCH} GAAAAAH!
You... you're different!
What happened? What the hell are *you*?
GOKU: Can't you tell, Freezer? It's just like Vegeta said.
FREEZA: No, you f***ing *don't*...!
GOKU: I am the hope of the Omniverse!
I am the lightbulb in the darkness!
I am the bacon in the fridge for all living things that cry out in hunger!
I am the Alpha and the Amiga!
I am the terror that flaps in the night!
I... AM SON GOKU!
AND I AM A SUPER--!
{BING}
FREEZA: Hurrrurrrgh...!
GOKU: ...Saiyan.
FREEZA: HurrriURRRRGH!
KING KAI: (Gasping in disbelief)
YAMCHA: King Kai! What's going on on Namek right now?
KING KAI: You know you could always just grab my shoulder and watch.
YAMCHA: Yeah, but, you kinda... smell...
KING KAI: That's just my natural musk.
Mmmmusk...
Mmmmmmmusk...
TIEN: Stop saying "musk".
KING KAI: Stop eating my food!
KAMI [telepathically]: King Kai, do you hear me?
KING KAI [t]: Oh, hey Kami. How's everything coming along?
KAMI [t]: Well, I've sent off Mr. Popo to collect the Dragon Balls like you asked.
KING KAI [t]: Good. The whole plan is coming together.
YAMCHA: Hey, I don't think you ever told us your plan.
KING KAI: I don't have to tell you everything! I don't have to tell you anything!
TIEN: And that just about sums up our time spent here.
KING KAI [sarcastic]: Ha ha...
GOHAN: Huh? It's the ship!
See, Mr. Piccolo - we're halfway home!
I mean, not literally, but... just don't bleed out, okay?
'God, so many buttons...!'
'I forgot, I don't know how to fly the ship! I could have sworn somebody did that for--'
Oh my God, Bulma!
BULMA: Help?
...Somebody?
FREEZA: I have to admit, this is new, monkey! This is definitely new!
But a monkey is still a monkey, and I've killed plenty in my day.
*Millions*. Literally, *millions*.
What's the matter, run out of quips? Cat got your tongue?! No more words to fail?!
You think now that you're this, so-called "Super Saiyan", that you're *better* than me, *Lord Freeza*?!
Well, you're NOT!
I own you!
I own you! I own your planet!
I own you! I own your planet! I own THIS planet!
I own you! I own your planet! I own THIS planet! In fact...
F*** THIS PLANET!!!
GOKU: Wait, I zoned out there for a second. Wha--?
KING KAI: No... *no*, *no*, son of a bitch! Daaarrgghh...!
YAMCHA: What's wrong, King Kai?
KING KAI: You dumb assholes are gonna be here forever!
TIEN: Tch, yeah, real funny, King Kai.
Oh God, you're serious.
KING KAI: I had this whole plan ready to go, but, as it turns out, Freeza's a sore loser, and just--
CHIAOTZU: Blew himself up along with his opponent?
What? It's what I do.
KING KAI: Yeah, only this time, it *worked*.
And now Goku, Gohan, Piccolo... everyone's dead!
And I'm stuck with you idiots for the rest of my life!
KAMI [t]: Should I call you back when you're done screaming? Or is that just not happening?
KING KAI [t]: And then there's *this* c--...
Kami?
KAMI [t]: Yes, I wanted to inform you that Mr. Popo has acquired the sixth Dragon Ball an--
KING KAI [t]: You're alive?!
KAMI [t]: So this is what counts for omnipotence these days, hmm?
KING KAI [t]: But if you're not dead, then that means Piccolo's not dead,
and Namek is still there!
GOKU: D...didya miss?
FREEZA: How could I miss?
GOKU: I dunno, how didya?
FREEZA: I know I hit the core. God, this always happens when I try and perform under stress.
GOKU: Seems to me like you just couldn't go through with blowing us *both* up.
FREEZA: That's not the problem, you idiot. I can breathe in space.
GOKU: (Gasp)... But space is a vac-uum!
FREEZA: Honestly, I'd say you only have...
I don't know... five min--... is it five?
Y-yes, five!
Five minutes before this planet explodes, and you perish along with it.
GOKU: Oh...
Well then, I'll just have to kill you in four!
FREEZA: Wait, hold on! I-I'm only at half my full power.
GOKU: I don't see how that's my problem...
FREEZA: No, listen! If you let me power up...
I'll give you a pizza!
GOKU: You killed my best friend, Freezer. That's not gonna work anymore!
FREEZA: Two pizzas!
GOKU: I SAID I'M *DONE*! HAAAAA...!
FREEZA: ...With stuffed crust.
KING KAI [t]: *Gokuuuu...!*
GOKU [t]: Now, hear me out, King Kai.
If I let him power up to 100%, and beat him *then*... it'll demoramalize him! And he'll never threaten anyone again!
KING KAI [t]: Goku, that is retarded!
GOKU [t]: *Stuffed crust*, King Kai! You can eat it in *reverse*!
KING KAI [t]: I-I can't even believe we're having this conversation...
GOKU [t]: Me either...
FREEZA: Thanks for waiting, by the way.
GOKU [t]: Hold on one second, King Kai. [To Freeza] What was tha--?
Huhh!
FREEZA: Smash monkey!
SMASH MONKEY!
GOHAN: Bulmaaa... where are you?
BULMA: (Unearthly eldritch sounds)
Oh, well how nice of you to finally come and get me...
only you left me stranded all on my own to fend for myself!
Planet's going to hell, I almost die,
and I'M FREAKING THE F*** OUT!
GOHAN: Bulma, how high would you have to fall from to hit terminal velocity?
...I thought so.
GOKU: Huaagh!
FREEZA: I just love how easy it is to get away with this s*** with you people!
I want to transform, you just sit there and let me.
I want to transform, you just sit there and let me. I want to blow the planet up, you just sit there and let me!
I want to transform, you just sit there and let me. I want to blow the planet up, you just sit there and let me! I want to reach 100% power...
*and you just sit right there and let me*!
GOKU: Sooo, can I get a Meat Lover's®?
OW!
KING KAI: And that is my star pupil.
I don't even know why I bother.
KAMI [t]: King Kai, are you there?
KING KAI [t]: Oh Kami, d'you have an update for me?
KAMI [t]: Apparently it's all I'm good for anymore...
I wanted to tell you that Mr. Popo has acquired the final Dragon Ball and is ready to summon the Dragon.
KING KAI [t]: Awesome, now let me talk to him.
KAMI [t]: Heh, if you insist.
KING KAI [t]: Alright, now Mr. Pop--
oaarrggh!
How the hell do you work with this guy??
KAMI [t]: It's easier than you think...
MR. POPO: I'm so f***ing high right now!
SHENRON: I am the Eternal Dragon. Speak your wish and I sha--
...oh. It is you, my Master. Is it time to lay waste to this world?
MR. POPO: Eh, not yet. Give 'em a couple hundred years. See if they can clean this up.
SHENRON: Then how might I be of service, Lord Popo?
MR. POPO [t]: Good question. Kami, the f*** am I doing?
KAMI [t]: Good question. King Kai, the f*** is he doing?
KING KAI [t]: Ow, my head...
OK, listen. I want you to bring back everyone Freeza and his men have killed.
KAMI [t]: Why?
KING KAI [t]: Are you questioning God?
KAMI [t]: Are *you*?
KING KAI [t]: Not in the mood, Kami!
KAMI [t]: Fine, not my problem anyway. Mr. Popo--
MR. POPO [t]: I heard.
Dragon, bring back all the worthless maggots that were killed by Freeza and his men, or whatever...
SHENRON: As you command, so it shall be.