(marker squealing on white board)
(jazzy music)
- One time, when I was in College,
I went to knock on the bathroom, it was last call,
everyone was gone, but I knew
that there were two people inside who left their tab.
And I had of an idea where they were.
(laughs)
I knocked on the door, and as I open the door,
the guy turns around and then,
proceeds to throw up all over the girl
that he's having sex with.
That happened.
(swoosh)
- I was actually closing the bar
at one of the places I worked in Hell's Kitchen.
Usually typical, when you're closing the bar,
wrapping everything down, and then all of a sudden,
three guys walk in, and one of the guys goes,
"Hey, are you open?"
My manager and I were both like,
"Oh, actually we're really sorry but we are closed."
The registers are shut down, like, everything.
Our boss has started to mop the floor, like, we were done.
One of the guys turns around to leave and he goes,
"You don't know what you just did."
And we're like, wait, what?
Like what, like what just happened?
He was like, "That was Bruce Willis you just closed on."
And I was like,
(makes surprise sound).
- Was that really Bruce Willis?
- It was really Bruce Willis.
- Oh.
- And so we actually felt really bad.
The owner of the bar ended up
sending him a bottle of tequila, a bottle of mezcal
just to say sorry.
I feel terrible.
- That would have been a great tip.
- Right?
So yeah, I closed the door on Bruce Willis.
(swoosh)
- So the other day, I actually had
a group of four people come in.
Right off the bat, the one guy wanted to know
what our most expensive champagne was,
which is not a question that you get very often.
I was like, well, Dom Perignon like, $455 a bottle.
And he just went, "Great, we'll take two."
That's such a strange way to just start balling out
on your evening.
The people he was with were like, "No, no, don't do it."
And he was like, "No, I'm Jay-Z tonight, I'm balling out."
So I grabbed my manager 'cause I was like,
I think this is a little suspicious.
And he was like, oh no, if he ordered it, like,
let's do it, let's go.
By the end of the couple hours that they were there,
the guy who had ordered the champagne was like,
laid back in his chair, just drinking
straight out of the bottle.
Absolutely hammered.
You know that look on someone's face, when like,
they can puke at any second.
That's the world he's living in.
He tried to walk out without paying.
I grabbed my bouncer so fast.
And he was just like, "Oh wait, come on, (muffled sounds)."
And I was like, Dude, I have your credit card,
I'm gonna swipe it for this amount
and I'm gonna give myself 20% gratuity.
We caught him real fast, and made him pay,
and I'm sure, even though that was several days ago,
he's still hungover.
(swoosh)
- I had this couple come in.
They were so sweet, I guess it was a regular date,
she looked really nice.
The guy waited till she got, kinda got buzzed,
where she was like, semi-walking straight in her heels.
- Uh-oh.
- She went to the bathroom, he's like,
Hide this ring in a red velvet cupcake
that we served at that place.
So, we, all the bartenders are like,
Oh my God, this guy's gonna propose,
we're about to be all snapped,
we're about to be on camera, blah blah blah.
- Yeah.
- We hide it in, we put the candle in.
The guy gets down on one knee, he's all excited,
you could tell he was like, nervous,
'cause all cameras in the whole restaurant are on him.
And the lady's like, "Hum, can we talk about this first?"
(surprise breathing)
I was like, uh-oh, because we can't move.
- Oh my God.
- Oh no, what do we do?
'Cause we still had to stay smiling.
(laughs)
It was so awkward.
- I'd be devastated.
- He looked like he was gonna cry.
- Oh, poor baby.
(laughs)
- I guess the truth comes out when you're drunk, right?
- Girl, woo.
- I was like, how can I handle
that situation without laughing?
- Oh my God. (laughs)
- Without being like, I wanted to be part of it
until it went into shambles.
(jazzy music)
(wind blowing)
(metal squeaking)