We're always making choices, aren't we?
That's what I find, always making choices.
What to wear, today I decided to wear my Ed by Ellen.
This as my dog Wolf wearing my dog Augie's sweater--
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
--and he's wearing his--
and then we decide what we're gonna eat,
we decide who to vote for, we decide
if we should get rid of electoral college, all
these things that--
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
--we're trying to make choices, and I started making choices
like-- this morning I got up, and I
was like, what am I gonna have for breakfast?
And this morning, after a long deliberation,
I had potato chips.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah, I'm not ashamed to say that.
I like the salt and vinegar chip, that's what I like,
salt and vinegar, yeah.
[AUDIENCE AGREEING, CHEERING]
Oh, they're delicious.
They're salty and zingy and they wake you right up,
which is great 'cause I don't drink coffee
'cause that's bad for you.
So--
[LAUGHING]
--now, I don't know, if you don't like the salt and vinegar
chip, and you don't have to, that's
OK because there are a lot of different chips to choose from.
There's potato, there's corn, there's barbecue,
there's baked, there's sea salt, there's ruffled,
there's Popchips, there's corn chips, there's blue chips,
there's Sun Chips, there's cheddar, there's nacho cheese,
there's jalapeño, there's multi-grain,
there's French onion, there's chili cheese,
there's salt and pepper, Cool Ranch--
you want me to go on?
I can.
[AUDIENCE AGREEING]
OK, crinkle cut, sweet potato, black bean, sour cream--
and onion, and I'm gonna choose to stop there.
I don't have to but I'm choosing to.
My point is--
I don't know, I have so many points to make,
I don't know which point I'm trying to make.
I guess what I'm trying to say is decisions
are even harder when the choices are so good like,
for instance, I was watching you all dance before I came out
here and I was trying to decide which audience member I wanted
to dance for all of you right now,
and there were so many good ones, so many to choose from.
But it was a hard decision but if you see your picture,
it's you who I want to come down here and stand next to me.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Hi.
How ya doin'?
I'm great, how are you?
I'm fantastic.
What is your name?
Hillary.
Hi Hillary, where do you live?
Baltimore, Maryland.
That's what I thought, and--
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
--I always try to guess where people
are from when they're dancing.
There was a guy dancing with Cliff--
with-- you're not Cliff, you're--
[LAUGHING]
Your name is not Cliff at all, is it?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Is-- do you have a middle name or a nickname?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It just came to me so I feel like maybe it should be.
What do you do for a living?
I'm actually a nanny but I also perform--
I do dance and circus--
things.
Yeah, you sure do.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
What is your name?
Hillary.
Hillary, that's right.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And his name, that's Cliff over there.
[LAUGHING]
Um-- I'm very, very sleepy.
So-- maybe potato chips aren't the best way to start the day.
That's-- I'm realizing it's not good for the brain.
All right, Cliff, here's what I want you to do.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I'm kidding.
I know your name is--
DJ some stuff?
Y-- no, no, you're just gonna do your bendy stuff which
was very impressive.
OK, I have to tuck my shirt in.
OK, yeah, do that.
--I do some more.
All right, yeah-- oh, there's gonna be more,
we're seeing more than what we saw before.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
All right, there'll be music--
oh, oh, you're just gonna go but--
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
--do it to the music and have fun.
All right.
[MUSIC - MARK RONSON FT. MYSTIKAL, "FEEL RIGHT"]
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING ALONG]
Calling all cars for the Prince of the South,
[INAUDIBLE] that yabba-dabba-doo-- sh-sh-[MUTED],,
I just got out.
Still rappin', slappin' kittens, and grabbin' my crotch,
I'm the artist, the godfather, stay hard as a rock.
You gon' mess around and make me knock
your fruit juice loose, bananas and watermelon
and pomegranate too.
Rhymin' kung-fu that split bamboo,
crowd rockin', ain't no stoppin' that rappin' ass fool.
I been bad, bro, 'chu gettin' mad for?
I'm gon' have to light you up.
I eat flames up, crap fire out, don't make me light my butt.
Excuse me, ooh, me, I got a lotta groupies,
oughta have a freakin' dog house like Snoopy.
Curtain's goin' up, it's goin' down, tear that thing
out the frame with my band.
Come on, come on, uh.
Feel right in this [MUTED],, feel good in this [MUTED],,
my whole hood in this [MUTED]--
[ELLEN AND AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Wow, thank you.
That was wonderful.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Now I feel like I wanna do all kinds of like--
no?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Look, Hillary!
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
It made me wanna get-- get flexy--
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
--and bendy.