How do you get a relationship label? I have this awesome question come
in from Math who said, "what does it mean when a guy claims that he is
not seeing slash talking to other women essentially telling you he's being
exclusive yet says he doesn't like labels/ doesn't want a relationship even
when you are not straight up asking for a relationship. How do you get the label?
How do you get a relationship label? How do you get the guy to call you his
girlfriend?" I'm answering Math's question and giving you a five step formula to get
the label. I'll see you in a second.
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How do you get a relationship label? How do you get him to call you his
girlfriend? That's what we're talking about today and the first thing you
have to do, which is very important is watch your assumptions. You might
remember a few weeks ago we did a video on how to stop getting played
by men. If you haven't seen it, I'll put the link up here and in the description.
Now, in that video, point number four, something very important that I talked
about was never assume exclusivity. Never assume a guy is not seeing other
women until he's actually told you so. Now, that's important, but what often
happens is you have this kind of weird conversation at the start of a relationship,
and Math has had this conversation and a lot of women who come to me
asking the question about labels have had the conversation as well.
It's quite early on, they're asking me about labels because on the first, second or
perhaps the third date, they've had this weird kind of conversation where he says,
"Oh, you know, I'm not really seeing anyone else right now."
And you say, "Oh great. I'm not seeing anyone else either." Now the problem with
this conversation is it's not a true exclusivity, commitment conversation
the way a lot of women think it is. You see, there's a difference between him
saying, "I'm exclusive right now" versus him saying, "I'm committing to be
exclusive with you in the future." She hears, "Oh, he's going to be exclusive to me
as long as we're seeing each other." He means "I'm literally exclusive to you right
now." This is very important because the question about labels often comes up
from women who have had this kind of pseudo- exclusiveness conversation
and assumed it meant that the guy was committing to being exclusive as long as
he was seeing you. Now, that's rarely the case.
Remember, men often do not come, in fact in the vast majority of cases
do not come to dating looking for a relationship.
It's something they sell themselves on as time passes. Thus most men,
and in fact most women, you want to have your standards in place and you
don't want to be committing to someone you hardly know and let's face it,
someone after one, two or three dates is still for the most part, a stranger.
Your exclusiveness is valuable, but men in particular will be hesitant to commit
to longterm exclusivity after one or two dates, but they will comment,
"I'm not seeing anyone else right now," and that's why number two is that
you have to have had that conversation. You have to have had that exclusive future
commitment conversation with the guy before you even think about labels,
and that usually comes quite away further down the dating process.
Now, if you're not sure how to have that conversation, there's a video.
I'll put the link up here in description as well on how to get a guy to commit where
Jermia demonstrates that conversation. You must have that conversation.
You must have it first before you worry about a label.
Number three is give it time. Again, remember, men do not come to dating
looking for relationship. It's very rare. Once you've had that exclusive
conversation and you've committed to being emotionally, physically, et cetera,
exclusive to each other, that's when you can start to go,
"Okay, I wonder when we're gonna label this an example from my own life,
we committed to be exclusive and it wasn't until four months later that I
saw myself on the idea of a relationship." Okay?
Number four, ask yourself two very important and big questions.
Number one is do I trust him? Do I trust this guy with his emotional,
emotionally exclusive commitment? And number two, is the relationship
progressing? Are the emotional connection between the two of you or is the
emotional connection between the two of you progressing in the right manner?
Those are the two most important questions to ask yourself
and number five is forget the label and focus on emotional progression.
So come back every two weeks.
Come back every four weeks and check in. Are things progressing in the right
direction? Is your relationship heading the right way? If someone is walking up
a mountain, you don't keep asking them, when are they going to get to the top?
You just accept that they're walking there and you leave them alone to get there.
Now, if that person stops walking, if the emotional progression stops, then that's
when maybe you have a cause for concern, but the question then is not
how do I get a label?
The question becomes why is my relationship or why is our connection
not progressing? But as long as things are progressing, you can forget the label
entirely. If he's seeing your family more each month, if you're seeing your friends
more each month, if he's spending more time with you more each month. If he's
projecting further into the future more each month, then obviously you're going
to end up with a label and it's going to happen completely naturally.
You won't even have to worry about it. There's no way it would be. It would be
stupid for him if he spending five nights a week with you, met your family, met your
friends, uh, done all the right things that a guy would do and he's been progressing
towards that. It would be flat out stupid for him, not to call you his girlfriend
and if it ever happened, you could call him on it, but it would never happen.
So forget the label and focus instead on emotional progression.
The reality is a lot of women who come to me wanting the label, it's more
a security thing. They more want the security because they're feeling insecure
that he might leave. The label is not what's important.
It's emotional progression in the connection between the two of you that is most
important. If that is happening, the label will take care of itself. One more thing
before I go. A lot of women ask me questions on this and they say,
"well that's great Mark, but what do I do in the meantime? What do I call the guy?
What if my friends ask? It's very simple. You can call him by his name. "Hey mom,
this is Mark. Hey friend, this is Mark. Mark's coming along."
Now occasionally, you'll get a family member or friend that's particularly
quizzical on you and they say, "Oh, what are you guys? What? What are you?" And
you can say, "honestly, we're seeing each other but we're not labeling anything yet.
It's very simple, it's honest, it's authentic and there's no reason to question it.
Now, you might have girlfriends who say,
"Oh girl, you don't respect yourself cause you're not putting a label on it. "
Forget the label. Focus only on emotional progression. That's what's most important.
Well that's the video! Thank you so much for watching! Give the video a thumbs up
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I'll see you in the next video really soon.
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