[Music]
welcome to cry battle where whoever
cries the most wins i'm here with gus
johnson
thank you for having me are you a big
crybaby yeah i'm a i'm a
great big crab berry how often are you
crying these days cried a lot yesterday
what happened yesterday
oh it was a bit of a bad day it was just
a bad day that's the worst yeah
my day's bad here we are at half a tank
so well
it's about to get worse let's look at
the stats
um yeah i don't they're
i'm not seeing anything so oh good man
keep saying all good we're okay let's
limp our way through this
[Music]
our first round is crying on command
whether or not you can force yourself to
cry do you think that you can cry
i mean i'm feeling pretty bad right now
so i'm i think so yeah
okay i seem really happy about it no it
wasn't no it wasn't funny
that's fine damage is done but let's
just move on sorry bro okay let's do it
three two one
[Music]
my saliva is just so viscous right now
three tears what the i told you i
was having a bad day
hell yeah what were you thinking about
women pretty much
your girlfriend or your mom or it's kind
of a
uh just kind of a hybrid of like my
girlfriend and my mom is like one
really big woman that feels sort of
edible in a way
you you want to always like have sex
with your mother is is basically the
edible
complex yeah
okay this next round is cutting onions
i'm just gonna ask some questions while
we cut some onions
sure that sounds good how do you chop i
actually used to work at a pizza place
oh really yeah try to eat pizzas off of
the trays when people would send it back
you know
just because you're like okay it's free
food i figure it's like how often do you
go to a restaurant and not finish
your meal and just like spit on the food
you know right good rate that it's just
clean food it's probably clean
so i would just eat most of it okay so
when i say sad you say childhood
sad childhood okay what does that make
you think of
you had a sad childhood it sounds like
me no no it's clearly projecting on me
you're projected you're projecting bro
i'm not getting defensive here
was your childhood like a happy
childhood i always wanted to have a dog
i never had a dog
so that's kind of sad yeah i think my
dad got bit as a kid and didn't want to
tell us about it so he would always make
up all their dumb excuses like
you're allergic then we'd have to go buy
a collar and
food and stuff that was the big
threshold like we'd have to buy a collar
if we got a dog
callers aren't like two dollars like i
could mow a lawn i could make it in
10 minutes you know so you've been
dating your girlfriend sabrina for
two years two years yep what do you love
about your girlfriend
you know sometimes the world just kind
of really seems too big and i
feel like i'm kind of losing it from
time to time you know if i'm with her
it's like stuff is like small you know
like
like i just i hold her and it just feels
like nothing matters you know
like her included doesn't she like she
doesn't matter to me but
she's in close and can i ask you
something just kind of actually like
straight up
just like like the show and stuff aside
like what does it
feel like to be like losing so badly at
your own game
like is that good or is it like i don't
really know what you're talking about
speaking about somebody that's had so
few failures in their life
like i feel really out of my comfort
zone i feel really privileged that you
would
you would feel so comfortable like just
failing so badly in front of me to
really just give that
kind of other side of the aisle like wow
this is how other folks live you know
like gosh that'd be really bad if i had
to be jordan you know
this next round is smelling salts
apparently it's gonna make us
really really cry sure i don't think
people really use these anymore i think
they were discontinued after 1950s
football games
and three two one
do you just breathe it in holy oh
oh oh my god when was the last time you
cried with your mom
i went back home for christmas and i
accidentally got
real blasted on some sauvignon blanc
and uh i just kind of hugged her close i
was like mom i just wanted to say
i recognize the sacrifices that you made
for me oh my god
yeah and i know that you wanted to do
more but
you hit a million subscribers yeah and
you did a thank you video which was so
sweet thank you
i cried watching it i was like oh my god
i really appreciate you saying that
just like so beautiful i actually i
printed on a comment
hey gus so part of the reason you have
such devoted fans
is not only because you're
multi-talented but because you're so
genuine in your interest
in your work and your fan base those of
us who've been around for a while
found you while you were small it's
weird for me and others to watch you
grow so big because we know you deserve
it and we support it
but it's hard to watch you unhappy i do
is the thing
is this your therapist i don't know
what's wrong with me
okay in this next round we're going to
pluck nose hairs
uh to see if that will elicit some tears
i kind of don't really have any regard
for my personal well-being or appearance
so
you pluck a little guy i don't have
little guys here i got wads
there's no in between oh my god i would
call my mom in two weeks
how often do you call your mom every two
weeks
so honestly it's probably not that big
of a deal i feel like that was kind of a
tear no
not really yeah exactly oh no
i hate you you man i hate me too your
full name
is gustav emile johnson well first of
all my middle name's actually pronounced
ammo amel like it sounds like anal
that's like that's bread and butter
making fun of on the playground stuff
and she goes no we even ran it through
all the tests like kids would make fun
of this
stupid idiot mom how did you grow out of
being such
like a reserved worrywart kid um i was
honestly a pretty shy kid
and my mom came in and she said gus i'm
going to make you do the talent show i'm
going to take away your cell phone and
i'm going to find you unless you do that
and i was so pissed at her and i was
like mom what the hell is wrong with you
anyway i went up there and i sang and i
wooed all the women and ladies
i won the talent show yeah oh that's a
big tear isn't that
what's that right there that's a that's
a tear that's sweat oh
and now for a round called sad song
we're gonna play a sad song and see if
it makes you cry
sure this song is called guess you could
say
yeah which is your song that you play at
the end slate of all your
youtube videos co-wrote it with my
friend joe dumas all right let's see if
it makes us cry
[Music]
i catch myself
just thinking of your gentle face
[Music]
what can i way say steady pace
catch this part
[Music]
those are almost the words yeah i love
you
uh this next round is called using
crystics to
wipe them under your eyes and to see if
that'll make you cry
that's the title card for that's the
title we score this one a little
differently sure you get points for
acting good
all right so what movies make you uh cry
man
going through the lord of the rings uh
extended edition trilogy
but uh especially at
you know return of the king i mean
everybody's back home in the you know
in the shire and and you know it's to
any logical person you just assume you
know the journey is all done
no and no i know that's what i was
thinking too i was like no there has to
be more
these tiers don't count it's not part of
the round three two one go
nobody puts baby in the court
we're dying richard parker i'm sorry
you trust me and i failed you
not the bees killing me won't bring back
your honey
i love the smell i love the smell of
nate palm in the morning
if you live to be a hundred i want to
live to be a hundred minus one day
so i never have to live without you it's
a one year membership to the jelly of
the month club
i mean that's the gift that just skips
all year isn't it
you bewitched me body and soul
god i've had it with these
snakes
on this plane
the truth is he didn't want to marry me
he didn't love me titles
let's take this precious
potatoes boil them
smash them stick him in the stoo
you don't mean it it's just golem
talking
i'm gonna lose
[Music]
i have won cry battle i have one cry
battle i have one cry battle i have one
cry battle this time
they are telling me that you have one
cry battle so uh congratulations to gus
uh i don't know we can you know we can
recount them that's fine i think
they're pretty solid what does it mean
to you to have one uh i think more
importantly
uh than that i think the people at home
want to know just how
bad because i know it's very bad but
like how bad does it feel to have
inevitably
undoubtedly lost this one
the game's over you know you don't no
you're not still crying are you yeah the
game's over so
potato i'm sorry
can we do a flame sort of i don't think
i don't think that really adds to
anything it'll help
what it helps with watch time