Where'd you go to school I just finished grad school at USC... oh the Trojans! ...right
cool yeah hey what are you drinking can't you just think of something better
to say hey where you coming from I just got done with your class Oh
what's the name of the yoga studio the yoga center all you've been doing yoga a
couple years now how many days a week you do yoga hmm two to three times a
week what time was your class that's not how you do it how do you get the social
dirty bomb one of the biggest problems people have in social interactions is
they run out of things to say maybe they're done with a thought and they
can't think of anything else to bring up that might be pertinent maybe the other
person doesn't chime in and in that role all those nice feelings of rapport and
comfort and maybe even closeness that you've been able to establish with the
other person dissipates one of the theories that I heard that makes a lot
of sense to me is you only run out of things to say when you feel like the
other person is of higher social value than you or you put too much importance
in the interaction for instance think of yourself if you're in a room alone with
a kid you're not going to run out of things to say and if you have nothing to
say that Lowell that's silenced you're not going to be upset or nervous or
awkward about it they're going to feel it so it's not going to become awkward
to them the problem is when you're an interaction that you do care about the
outcome it's almost impossible to mask that awkwardness that you feel when that
pause occurs therefore it translates to them and they
just kind of want to get out of there so we're going to talk about today is a
remedy for that and it's the social dirty bomb now what a dirty bomb is is
something that people put together where they throw in as many utensils
maybe not utensils but as many different and the materials as they can to cause
the most damage they want the materials for instance like screws nails bits of
glass pieces of metal shrapnel they put it all in in the hope that it will
something will spread out and hit the enemy and hurt them in this instance we
want to put as many different things as we can in our social dirty bomb to help
the other person but in the same way we want to be sure that something goes out
to there they can grab on to something they connect with something that they
can run with a lot of times when that lot awkward lull comes up and the other
person kind of feels weird you can see they're kind of feeling awkward and they
walk away they assume that that's because they didn't have something to
say or because they didn't like the other person or there's waiting for a
chance to get out of a conversation when in actuality oftentimes the other
person's nervous too and they're a little stifled in their mind and they
can't come up with something to say they wish they could but they feel awkward
saying something they felt was weird they wish you'd say something so they
could stick around but you don't and so they leave so what using the social
dirty bombs can allow you to do is give them every advantage at every chance
that they possibly can to contribute in the conversation if you throw a social
dirty bomb and you do it the right way and then they still walk away the odds
are very long that that's going to happen but if it does it truly is
probable they were just waiting for a chance to walk away which happens
sometime and it's no big deal at all but you know you did everything you could
and it's very clear at that point where you stand so what we're going to do
there's three steps so that awkward to the hawk or dirty pub let's hope not to
the social dirty bomb number one you're going to grab the case and what that is
is you're just going to respond to whatever they say so let's look at the
example in the video where she said oh I actually just graduated of my master's
degree from USC so the first thing you have to do you grab the case you just
respond you say oh cool something very ambiguous just to address that you heard
it and you're going to follow up with something else now the next thing you
want to do is you want to grab two different ingredients nails and screws
glass and metal two different things that you know about her statement that
she could possibly grab on to and - so if there's three or four things
that popped your head you want to grab the two things that are going to be the
most interesting that may spur the most interest and thought from the other
person so for instance I know that Pete Carril
used to coach at USC he now coaches for the Seattle Seahawks but he used to
coach them and he was kind of a polarizing character he had an
interesting way of coaching it's very laid-back people say he was more of a
kind of a pro mentality coach even in college but regardless of that he was
very widely known people either loved him or hate him so I know that so either
she's going to appreciate my comment that I liked him or she's going to not
and at least she's going to have something to say the second thing I was
able to think of is I know that the Rose Bowl parade is a really big deal I
remember hearing about how the streets are just crazy packed there's a huge
migration from that to the actual game in the stadium later and I know that if
she went to school there she was probably part of that and it's just
absolutely crazy so I figured there'd be something she could grab onto in that
conversational thread - and then the last thing is what I consider the
detonator so step three step one is get the shell address it all very cool step
two is pick two interesting talkable threads materials you can slam in that
dirty bomb number three is the ignition and that's kind of the catch-all so what
I'm going to say at the end is just an open-ended question how was your
experience so what if by chance she doesn't know who Pete Carroll was
doesn't care about football and she's never been cheating to hear about the
Rose Bowl parade she was just a bookworm and she never went out well then that
social dirty mom is going to land because she doesn't know either of the
two genius ideas that I came up for her to talk to to her to talk about so last
thing I do is you say how was your experience because that is something
that you can grab on to anyone can say anything at all very open-ended question
so three steps case fill it up detonated before I get into a video that shows the
social dirty bomb actually applied in a real-life situation or talked about a
couple of mistakes that I see people make that you shouldn't do so in the
intro you see I go oh the Trojans so I made two mistakes there number one I was
looking for their response I what I want her to say at that point is oh yeah you
know the Trojans are a you know I'm very very try hard I'm looking for approval
I'm looking for her to validate that I said the right thing or something cool I
should never do that because I don't have enough social value built up at
that point I just met her so she doesn't care she just the last thing she wants
to do is buy into my frame so when I stop I say the Trojans of the up with an
up swinging tonality it's saying hey say I'm cool say what I said was cool it's
okay let's say the only thing you could possibly think of is that you knew the
school mascot was the Trojans will then say something like oh cool the Trojans
actually went to San Diego State that it edited and run into that as opposed to
waiting the second thing is I touched on briefly before is a tonality never end a
statement with an upwards tonality right when you're meeting someone because once
again it's looking for approval you're looking for them to say something is
okay and that's very unattractive in both men and women this isn't just a
situation I'm talking to a girl if I'm talking to a guy I'm just meaning it's
the exact same thing so as opposed to saying say I don't know anything about
Los Angeles but I was there last week so I say oh really I just drove through Los
Angeles and I went to a real nice shoe store okay you stop in that upward
tonality and your way to your trot you want them to buy in so much and say oh
cool what shoe store was it but you don't have enough leverage built up they
don't care right now they don't want to they don't want to contribute that much
so instead you always want to end with an authoritative downward tonality and
what that expresses and communicates is that you're not looking you don't care
about their reaction you're just giving your thoughts you're just expressing
yourself so you might say oh yeah actually just drove through Los Angeles
last week I stopped this really good shoe store there so you see how that
feels much differently I'm not looking for reaction if she wants to contribute
she'll cool what shoe store was it much better from that position then there's a
really cool shoe store there like you're trying to like fill most like guess what
I did today nobody likes that that's stupid nobody wants to jump through your
hoops at this point it's you out of leverage if you your friend comes in
from five years like guess what I did today like I'll cool what but they
already have buy-in you have that relationship that rapport that social
leverage already bill so let's jump back in and look how the
social dirty bomb plays out in real life build the bomb once again the shell oh
very cool add two ingredients to talking points
Pete Carroll and the Rose Bowl parade and then detonate it with a catch-all
question at the end how was your experience see which one they jump on
they can jump on all three they can jump on one but you're giving them the
ingredients to brew to make that soup let's check it out
where'd you go to school I just finished grad school at USC oh nice I was a huge
fan of Pete Carroll when he was there I heard that when the Rose Bowl rolls
through it's just mayhem how was your experience I had so much fun and loved
the school and yo and the Rose Bowls there it's crazy but it's great alright
cool so you can see how that's much more natural for them to jump on one of those
threads and roll with it when you use this you're going to find that very
rarely once you become proficient that pulling different ingredients and
putting them in different talking points different threads very rarely will
someone not jump on one of those threads and this really hugely mitigates the
risk of running out of things to say now if you do run out of things to say if
you drop the social dirty bomb and they still don't contribute like I said
probably means they're not too into the conversation maybe five someone else to
talk to no big deal at all but if you want to try one more time to fill that
gap I would suggest just talking about your thoughts and your perspectives see
it seems like we're taught oftentimes that nobody wants to hear about you and
I'm a big advocate that you want to turn questions around to them as soon as
possible because nobody does care about what your thoughts are for the most part
unless your friends them or something's very interesting so I know it's kind of
a pessimistic way to look at things and it's not completely true but when you're
trying to really be effective at new interactions you want that frame in your
head but don't be afraid to talk about your thoughts on something like that so
if that didn't hit about the my two comments about USC
I might just start talking about college like yeah you know actually when I was
in San Diego there was a surf thing it's coming up in a week down there we all go
down to Pacific Beach and this and this and this and then get into plowing you
can check out my video on plowing that kind of gets into more of the specifics
of how to do that but I guess the two real tips of what to do to avoid running
out of things to say is number one employ the social dirty bomb pull in as
many threads possible Russians as many as possible
pull them together pick the best to wrap them up detonated in a catch-all
question number two if there's a lull but you feel like they still may want to
participate in the conversation maybe your catch-all question was weak maybe
you said you know how many years did you go or you screw up and you say what your
graduates is in 1998 and you say oh you know too bad it was a yes/no question as
opposed to an open and a catch-all then just start plowing into your thoughts on
the pertinent subject football you could go to at that point
parades at that point NFL football college dorms anything just go wherever
you want give a little plow give a 30-second plow
or 30 seconds to mops it's 30-second Sermon on the Mount about something
pertaining to that it's going to free up their mind they're going to get out of
their head they're going to become more present they're going to be able to free
think more efficiently and effectively so at the end of that odds are they'll
be able to jump on something you said Matt plowing or maybe even at that point
they're comfortable to go back and say you know I actually remember Pete
Carroll he's that gray hair guy that used to play the piano or to hype up the
team the nights before the games right and then like yeah and then you've got
it then you got by that critical threshold and you're on your way you got
some momentum and they're participating so check it out let me know in the
comments below I'd love to know what ingredients what threads you pull in
your dirty bomb and when in an interaction you felt that it was a good
time to employ it and how it turned out I'll talk to you soon when the Rose Bowl
parade goes through it's awesome how's your experience I loved it no no you're
walking away