(keyboard clacking)
- Are microwaves dangerous?
100%, and here's how.
A microwave is an oven that cooks food
using heat, light, and the popcorn button.
The Food and Drug Administration claims
that microwaves meet all safety performance standards,
but are you really gonna trust the FDA?
They wanna take fruit cigarettes away from children.
It is a known fact that microwaves produce radiation,
but, unlike ionizing radiation,
which doctors use to take your bone nudes,
microwaves produce non-ionizing radiation,
which poses no health risks
as long as the oven is properly maintained.
And your microwave passed of its inspections
when you bought it as a gift for your lover
on your wedding night, 10 years ago.
Since then, not only has your love weakened,
so has the seal on your microwave door.
After years of having it slammed
during your vicious arguments,
the rubber protective lining has thinned.
Every time you eat your meals in silence,
an unhealthy amount of radiation
pours in to your unhappy home.
You better get a divorce,
'cause you've got a new partner: radiation poisoning.
Let's say you never slam your door
because you're a gentle soul.
You volunteer at the local public school,
bought your microwave at their yard sale.
You chose it 'cause you could clearly see
the oven's thick protective lining
through the microwave door.
But your oven's clear door isn't a user-friendly design,
it's a fatal safety flaw.
Your microwaves is missing its Faraday cage,
named after 19th century electro-chemist
and original sexy Doc Brown, Michael Faraday.
Not surprising, scientists get into science
because they're good looking.
When not sculpting his lads,
Mr. Faraday came up with the idea
of using a mesh wire enclosure
to protect people from harmful electromagnetic fields.
But your netted safety net is missing
because your microwave used to be
in the struggling school's cafeteria,
and this awful academy
had to slash its budget so many times,
it couldn't afford to pay
for the cafeteria lady's hairnets.
So she fashioned one from your microwave's Faraday cage.
The school was later shut down
due to a mysterious radiation poisoning
and Martini Mondays,
which was supposed to be just for teachers
but ended up also being for kids with mustaches.
When you hit power on, it's lights out,
because you just drenched your body
in a toxic field of electromagnetic activity.
Let's say your microwave safety functions
work perfectly well,
which means it emits only about
five milliwatts of radiation,
which is not nearly enough radiation to make you sick.
Except, you're surrounded by 300 microwaves,
'cause you made it to the final round
of America's favorite cut-throat chef competition.
In America, if you wanna be a famous chef,
you have to embarrass yourself on television.
Your challenge: prepare a traditional
17-course French meal using only microwaves.
As you monitor each one, the radiation pours
into the most sensitive tissue in your body: your eyes.
As the judges crack into their creme brulee,
all the healthy goo evaporates from your retinas.
You just went blind from microwaves.
Let's say you never use more than one microwave,
but you're a messy boy,
so you're constantly leaving exploded food particles
in your dirty radiation oven,
which means your microwave has turned
into an eyes wide shut for cockroaches.
Cockroaches are one of the handful of creatures
that are unaffected by radiation.
Every time you turn on the heat,
they make passionate woo-hoo in your turn tray,
kneading your noodles with each of their 18
bacteria-covered knees.
So, as you slurp from your soup cup,
you don't even realize each spoonful of broth
is also full of cockroach sex juice and salmonella.
By the time you finish your third cup of ramen,
you've got a deadly case of food poisoning.
You should have heated your soup
the way your ancestors intended.
On the belly of a dragon.
Let's say you don't even own a microwave.
You throw yours out on the way to the hospital.
You're visiting your father on his deathbed.
But when you arrive, it's too late, he's already gone.
But he left you something, his microwave,
asked you to keep it safe.
The nurse says something about power on.
You and your father never had a good relationship.
He missed your childhood
working late nights at the Pentagon.
So you take the microwave, bring it home with you,
decide to press power on to preserve his memory.
But the nurse who delivered his message
didn't deliver the full sentence.
Hard to hear clearly over the death rattle.
Your father said, "Never power on,"
because he hasn't just given you any microwave.
He's given you a government-issued
weapon of mass destruction.
Your father missed all your bedtimes
because he has working late at the Department of Defense,
tasked with turning microwave power
into a direct energy weapon, 100% confirmed.
Your papa created a pew-pew that can damage its target
by sending a deadly bolt of energy
in the form of microwaves,
which you engage when you heat up your Hot Pocket.
You don't know 30 is code for Russia
and Enter activates the death ray.
A microwave of energy shoots out of your oven
and across the Atlantic.
You've just reheated the Cold War
by using your oven.
So yes, microwaves are dangerous.
It's just a matter of when and how.
I'm expert Natasha Vaynblat,
and all I eat is ones and zeroes.
(bell ringing) - Next!
- Sorry to interrupt,
but I'm wondering if you could tell me, how are you feeling?
- Huh? - Well,
your microwave is leaking radiation.
- I have no idea what you're talking about.
All I know is students get corn dogs,
teachers get martinis,
and anybody else has to get the hell out of my face.
- I realize this is conflicting
with the reality you have for yourself,
but in a few mere hours you're going to get very sick,
so I just-- - I've basically had diarrhea
since the 80s,
so honestly, I'm not gonna notice if I'm sick or not.
- Would you also say that diarrhea includes bloody stool?
- Next! - Okay.
Thank you so much for your time.
- Thank you for wasting mine.
God, I feel sick.
Next!
Corn dog or martini?
(upbeat music)