'Get him you guys.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘It is a minor world with no scientific interest.’
We’re looking at The War of the Robots,
‘It’ll be a miracle if you make it.’
The 3rd of Alphonso Brescia’s low budget sci-fi epics.
Well this didn’t seem like the future till the headlights popped up.
Space Capt John Boyd, who clearly knows he’s the lead,
‘Follow me with the camera.’
Gets a few minutes with his girlfriend, Lois, before she goes back to assisting scientist Professor Carr,
who seems to live in a wooden shed.
Carr has made a ground-breaking discovery.
‘I can create an immortal man. I can create a forest where there was only desert.’
I like it when an invention does two things.
But, just as he fires up the reactor for the final experiment...
He’s interrupted by He-Man’s electro pop tribute act.
What do they want?
‘That does not matter. I cannot explain. We do not have the time.’
Well that covers that.
‘A gang of aliens has kidnapped the professor and his assistant Lois, I actually saw it happen.’
This is bad news; humanity has lost the secret of immortality and the professor left his reactor running.
‘Nobody knows how to prevent the damn thing from exploding’
And of course, Boyd has lost his girlfriend so he leads the rescue mission to the alien planet.
‘Earth, 90 degrees west and eight ten north.
’West? That sounds like one for Dark Corners Science Advisor.
Dad, do compass directions mean anything in space?
No.
I had a hunch, I do also question their urgency.
Nothing interrupts space cocktail hour.
'Mmmm, just what I needed.'
The girl is Julie, who is in love with Boyd, though he doesn’t realise it.
‘If I were you I wouldn’t worry about that.’
The mission is forced to make an unscheduled stop for repairs on a small planetoid,
Remember when everyone wore Ugg boots.
They are captured.
But before the aliens can kill Boyd and crew, the robots attack...
and Boyd springs to their aid.
Wow, robots suck at fighting,
‘It isn’t that we enjoy killing’
It’s just so easy.
Alien leader Kuba joins the mission and, when they arrive at the robot’s planet,
he shows them the secret tunnels leading into the alien city.
‘It’s incredible that these tunnels are unguarded’
That is incredible.
The tunnel leads right into professor Carr’s lab.
‘I must admit, I’m most impressed at the courage shown by you and your men,’
Umm… some of us are women.
But all is not as it seems.
‘The courage displayed by you and your men…
And women!
'What do you mean by that professor? Can you explain yourself better?'
Carr is now on the aliens’ side, and…
‘Lois!’
Lois is their Empress. Feels like some explanation might be necessary.
‘But don’t forget I agreed to become Empress only to save your life and mine.’
So, while Carr is one hundred percent team Alien, Lois is still one of the good guys.
‘You know I agreed because I knew that earth would send someone out to find us. I simply had to gain time.’
but I am none the wiser as to why the aliens would make the woman they kidnapped their Empress
or how that would save their lives, especially since the aliens brought them here for the professor’s immortality research.
‘No one will be able to oppose the plans I made so brilliantly’
This was a plan?
‘I don’t see what you’re trying to say. Can you explain more clearly?’
What’s weird is that the movie seems aware this doesn’t make sense.
‘If there’s a plausible reason for it, I could probably accept’
and they express this through really natural dialogue.
‘You asked me to be more explicit’
‘I did. In fact’
Empress Lois rescues Boyd and crew.
‘Come on men, let’s go’
Some of us are still women!
‘It’s okay, boys’
And the robots put on another dazzling display of getting shot,
blown up,
and cut in half.
‘Did you know they were just robots?’
‘No’
You didn’t? Holy hell this could have been a massacre!
Safely back on their ship, earth is keen for the professor to provide the shutdown code for his reactor,
but…
Now press the button.'
#pained scream of death#
He’s still a traitor, and then…
‘No. No. Wait’
He’s killed.
‘I don’t understand’
Me neither. Who killed him?
'Welcome'
Okay, I need to recap, as much for my benefit as yours;
Lois and the professor were kidnapped by aliens who wanted the professor’s research
and who for some reason made Lois their Empress,
but she only accepted as a ruse so she could escape with Boyd
which apparently, also a ruse because...
‘We’re at the head of android spaceships, if you help us get it through the satalite defense system we will become the absolute masters of the universe.’
I’m not going to ask why she killed the professor or why this secondary ruse was necessary
when she already had the crew captive,
let’s just get to the end.
Fortunately Kuba picked up the professor’s notes earlier so earth can shut down the reactor.
‘We’ve reached the end of a real nightmare’
Yep, that’s a really satisfying ending to that plotline.
Lois escapes and flags down a flying saucer,
now she leads a fleet of saucers in an ending clearly inspired by Star Wars.
‘I got it! I got it!’
‘Not bad. That’s great shooting.’
that drags on for the last twenty minutes of the movie as Darth Lois closes in.
‘Leave the other one – the last fighter – to me’
while also wrapping up the love story,
as Julie saves Boyd,
‘Julie, how about that. You did a really great job there.’
Screw you, you condescending prick.
Forcing Boyd to make a terrible choice.
‘I’m going to destroy Julie for stealing your love’
Will he save Lois who has repeatedly betrayed him, murdered his friends and is planning an invasion of earth?
‘It’s your decision, you make it’
or Julie? Who hasn’t.
Thank goodness, it really seemed like it could go either way there.
‘When I think of all that’s happened, it makes life fantastic.’
A lot happens in The War of the Robots, and yet it still feels like one of the most interminable viewing experiences you’ll ever face.
‘We’ve reached the end of a real nightmare’
No kidding.
'I finally managed to settle the score with those monsters from Anthorb.'
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What movies would you like to get the science advisor’s take on?
Let us know in the comments below and we’ll decide if we’re going to do anything about it.
'See you tomorrow night, 8 o'clock.'