You know, I think I’ve talked about enough early-modern conquerors lately, I think…
I think it’s time. Time to buy my ticket across the pond to see that new colossus.
No, I’m not trying to misdirect you and go off about Rio, I’m talking about America,
a land free from imperial tyranny. America, where every man is created equal. America,
from sea to shining sea, and the great Industrial-era conqueror who made at least one of those statements
true, James K Polk.
[Intro]
By Washington that was patriotic. Okay, that’s enough for now. If you know much about Polk,
it’s probably because your U.S. History teacher described him as “the least known
consequential president”. But for the rest of you, you’re probably more familiar with
Van Buren, and that’s just because he had wicked facial hair! Seriously, that’s like
all he’s remembered for -- well, that and his “smoke and mirrors” campaigning that
got himself and Jackson elected -- but that’s it! But unlike Martin “Nuu trust me, I’m
American” van Buren, Polk was a real eagle-lovin’ son of a gun. I mean he was “born in a log
cabin the only anesthetic I need is brandy” American, it doesn’t get much more American
than that. He practiced law for a while in Tennessee, joined the army, and worked his
way up the political ladder the way any respectable Antebellum gentleman would do, by being friends
with Andrew Jackson.
And wouldn’t you know it he became President. He wasn’t even trying for the presidency,
he wanted to be VP but he was just that popular. His platform was pretty simple. While some
Democrats wanted to annex Texas and some thought that was a bad idea because that would upset
the slave-state/free-state balance and they could put that off for at least another twenty
years, Polky-boy thought bigger. He promised he would take Texas and Oregon, and California
and America would have all the Lebensraum -- uh… they would fulfill their destiny
to manifest the continent! That… that does not sound better. What’s more, he promised
he would do it all within one term. Bold words from a dark horse.
And yet, he managed to do it. To be fair, Tyler had already been working towards settling
the issue of land division, but he didn’t quite get around to finishing it. Oregon went
a little better than expected for Polk, but a little worse than his constituents had hoped.
Britain and America had both been occupying Oregon and they both wanted it all. But Polk
that 54-40 or fight might not have been the best plan because he was already planning
on declaring war with Mexico and didn’t want to provoke a superpower lest he face
a war on two fronts, wait where have I heard that before? I’m sorry, America, it’s
nothing against Polk it’s just the way you were at the time. All the same, when he said
he wanted to split at the 49th parallel, he meant it. Even if Britain gets to keep Vancouver
Island, Polk said “We keep Point Roberts, because so help me, one day children will
have to cross international borders four times a day to attend school” and he got his wish.
Texan and Mexican annexation, however, was a little less tidy. Texas, which had been
pretty thoroughly colonized by Americans anyway, was all fine and dandy to join the union,
but the borders between Texas and Mexico were still a little fuzzy. Actually very fuzzy,
Mexico never acknowledged Texas’s independence in the first place. Mexico sent troops over
the Rio Grande, thus activating Polk’s trap card.
Because technically the area was part of both Mexico and Texas which was
technically just annexed by America, so technically Mexico was invading
Y’ever notice how America never just declares war on people, There’s always some
little incident, sometimes warranted, sometimes…
ehhh -- Mexico was not in a great place at the time, though, and was pretty easily squashed.
Forces going South from Texas made it all the way to Mexico City, while forces going
West ended up in Los Angeles and annexed pretty much everything along the way because the
area was pretty sparsely populated by settlers and a lot of them were cool with being a part
of whoever. Polka-dot did forget, however, that Baja is clearly a part of California
and should have been treated as such. But as guy who’ll be important in the future
that we don’t have time for right now Ulysses S. Grant pointed out, the whole war was kind
of a d*ck move. There were a lot of Civil War generals in the Mexican-American War actually,
I think it may have been a practice round.
All things considered, it was probably a good thing that Polk wrested control of Oregon
and Northern Mexico at the same time, because he, like any respectable Antebellum gentleman,
was trying to stay as neutral as possible on the elephant in the room slowly fracturing
the country’s ribs. Polk himself was a slave-owner, though he did state in his will that his slaves
should be freed when his wife died, but she died long after Lincoln came and did his thing,
so I guess it’s the thought that counts. Still, he ran into trouble trying to keep
everybody happy about the quote-unquote “side issue”. A significant portion of that newly
acquired land was below the Missouri Compromise line, California straddled on either side
of the darn thing, and America was running out of land to conquer to keep the balance.
Luckily, however, that was not Polk’s problem, because Oregon balanced out Texas, popular
sovereignty was on the rise, and Judgment Day was postponed yet again!
True to his word, he retired after seeing Manifest Destiny to its conclusion in a single
term. Alaska and Hawaii are nice, but let’s be honest, they’re just DLC.
And thus America united the seas and passed on the hot potato to the next guy.
Now I’d be remiss if I spent this whole episode talking about American expansionism
and slavery without talking about his domestic policy, which to be frank is quite a lot easier.
He re-established the independent treasury, so that things wouldn’t go the way of 1837
again, if you’ve ever visited the Smithsonian, you’ve got John Quincy and Polk to thank
for that, and if for some strange reason you’re still writing handwritten letters and using
official U.S. postage stamps, Polk was behind those too.
He was on a good will tour of the South when he contracted cholera in New Orleans
but, come on, unless you're Jimmy Carter you're not going to be doing that much
as an ex-President anyway
Okay so for the record I’m not saying Polk was a Nazi, he’s a cool dude, do not take
this the wrong way -- oh what have I done, you see? This is why I can’t touch America,
even the 1800s it’s just too fresh on everybody’s minds! Oh well, rule’s been broken. Make
sure you subscribe or else I’ll talk about how your favorite historical figure was literally
Hitler. Unless your favorite historical figure literally is Hitler, in which case… hah!
Noob! Seriously, though, be nice in the comments, I’m watching you.