Well, if you thought 2020 couldn't get any worse, they made a sequel to the movie After.
Y'know, the Citizen Kane of movies that make you feel like maybe the dinosaurs had it all
figured out. Now to be fair, the movie was more or less just a run-of-the-mill teen romance
story of a good girl who falls in love with a bad boy because he wears black, listens
to a lot of Paramore and Simple Plan, and hasn't matured since like, 7th grade.
How exciting. But all the same, like I said just last week the sequel no one asked for but
somehow we all deserved came out, called After we Collided. So. . . let's take
a walk. But before that, really quick:
The movie starts out with a little recap of what happened in the first movie sorta kinda, courtesy of our old friend Hardin.
The entire world is a collection of memoranda that she did exist and that I have lost her.
Whatever our souls are made of, hers and mine are the same. A rather pretentious way to
open our story-- Ya think?! Anyway like I said he goes on to
summarize the first movie. It's a story of a young girl exploring her
independence. She meets a dashingly handsome young man who sweeps her off her feet even
though he represents everything she detests, and is ultimately betrayed by him when it
feels as though all is lost. The two reunite. A story you've heard before, only difference is this isn't that story.
Okay are we seriously doing this right now?!
You're telling me the entire ending of the first movie didn't even happen?! It's all
just a dream Hardin's having in his car?! I didn't sit through that whole first movie
just so you could be like "Hah! Look at you, getting all emotionally invested in something
that I just now decided never actually happened haha what a dum-dum". All the same sticking
to his brand Hardin broods for a while and then he gets THE UGLIEST TATTOO I'VE EVER
SEEN like what even is this?? Anyway then we flash sideways over to Tessa, who's starting
her first day as the new intern for Vance Publishing because as you may recall she's
all like quirky and relatable because she reads books which no other girl does apparently.
Tessa Young: Single-handedly keeping Barnes and Noble in business.
Thank you! Sorry!
Excuse me sir can you hold the elevator please! ASSWIPE!
OH MY GOODNESS IS THAT DYLAN SPROUSE?! He's alive?! He's been alive this whole time?!
Well what am I supposed to do with all this stuff now?! Y'know what I don't even need
to watch the rest of this movie okay Rotten Tomatoes score 100% consensus: Dylan Sprouse
is in this movie. Masterpiece. Anyway so like I said this is Tessa's first
day at her new internship and just like every other movie and TV show like this her boss
is some tough-as-nails Miranda Priestly wannabe guy.
This might not be the best time for introductions, why don't I show you your office?
I apologize for the mess. We've been short on interns lately and we're a bit backlogged.
That seems crazy to me. People I know would kill for an internship here.
I know, it's just that Vance has this small problem with firing them after a day.
Y'know, the kind of boss that doesn't exist and no one would ever work for anyway.
So thanks to the magic of Hollywood, Tessa gets roped into attending some big fancy party
thing in the city on her second day of work because y'know that's totally what being an
adult is really like all the time. Now long story short she ends up having a little too
much funky potato juice and starts believing that consequences don't exist and then she's
like "Y'know what time it is it's time to pull out my phone and make some bad decisions
'cause I'm 19 and you're watching Disney Channel".
Tessa? Hi. I just--I just wanted to inform you that I look hot and you're missing it.
Pfft yeah okay Tessa I don't know between you and me you kinda just look like that thing
you get in Breath of the Wild after you find all the korok seeds.
So Hardin gets upset because Tessa's having fun without him--how dare! So he goes to find
her because I guess she's still sharing her location with him? Which is a real smart thing
to do with your alcoholic extremely volatile ex-boyfriend. Anyway so then Hardin barges
into Tessa's hotel room and you'll never guess what he sees.
Hi. Are you trying to get me kicked out of this place? Yeah come on in why don't you?
Hey! Hey Hardin good to see ya how you doin'?
Yeah, that's me. You're probably wondering how I got here.
Turns out what happened was Tessa and Dylan Sprouse AKA Trevor, were talking about a bunch
of nerdy book stuff or whatever-- So. Tessa. Tessa Young! Why the hell are you
in publishing? Well, I love to read.
That makes sense. What's your favorite book?
It's "The Principles of Economics" by Alfred Marshall.
Whoo well I do declare go and get me a tall glass of sweet tea there Jebediah it's gettin'
all hot and steamy in here! And then Tessa threw something at him which
made him spill his wine all over himself hence this scene. Now turns out Trevor and Hardin
know each other because Hardin used to work at Vance like a year ago or something and
he and Trevor were like friends or whatever and we never really learn exactly what happened
but now they just kinda hate each other. How do you two know each other?
Hardin worked at Vance last year. He did?
Yeah same position as you actually. Kind of a sad story we were best of friends and then
we became lovers and then I found a red hair on my pillow.
Hilarious. And so wouldn't you know Tessa somehow finds
herself wrapped up in a love triangle between Harry Styles and Dylan Sprouse of all people.
Did I mention this is a Wattpad movie? So for the next little while we basically
just get a bunch of scenes of Trevor being all smart and resourceful and clever and emotionally balanced and then Hardin's just kinda like:
One day, Tessa goes back to Hardin and her's
old apartment from the first movie to pick up some things she left there because y'know
how like girls always just leave stuff then after you break up it's like "Hey so sorry
to call ya outta the blue but are you gonna come get all your Polly Pocket stuff? What
about all these bobby pins I found in my house? Also can I get at least like one of my sweatshirts back?
But while she's there, you'll never guess what happens.
Well here we are. Uh I could run you a bath
if you'd like to get more comfortable. I would love that. I remember when you and I used to take baths together.
Oh my goodness Tessa?
Tessa? Hardin's mother.
So not only is Hardin's mom meeting Tessa for the first time, but we also come to find
out that she doesn't know they broke up in the first place and for some inexplicable
nonsense reason they can't tell her because that would require a mature adult conversation
and obviously we can't have any of those because this is a teen romance! And so in a shocking
plot twist no one ever saw coming Hardin and Tessa have to pretend that they're still together
because. . . ehh? I'm just gonna grab a blanket and sleep on the floor.
You don't think we could share the bed and
not. . . y'know? Do you?
Well I'd like to think we're not total neanderthals. Pfft what? What does that even mean?
Anyway they sleep in the same bed that night and after a few other little adventures they
end up deciding to give their relationship one more try because it worked out SO well
the first time. Hey Tessa you know how I have a drinking problem
and my reaction to the slightest bit of criticism is completely overblown and then I just brood
for like a week and don't even talk to you at all? And then somehow I turn it around
and gaslight you until you think you're the one with the problem? Yeah like what if we
just kept on doing that forever? My brain isn't fully formed yet so I'm gonna say yes!
But yeah so now they're back together again.
Do you promise to act like this every day? No. But I'll try.
Whatever it takes.
And somehow this all takes up like 60% of
the movie. So the first half of the movie is just like:
And then the second half of the movie is like: Yeah it's a lot.
Hardin takes Tessa to go see his dad for like Christmas or something and then he's all like
"Time to get grumpy. Harumph!". And goes home to throw some lamps around and listen to his
Raycons: Earbuds for the angry emo in all of us.
Or then they go to this like party in some frat house or whatever and then of course
Hardin's old girlfriends are there, one of whom Hardin sneaks off with all night and
would you believe Tessa's not real thrilled about this and handles it with all the wisdom
and maturity of a 19-year-old who suddenly has to deal with the results of her own choices.
Huh? You just kissed that girl! NO NO NO YOU DON'T GET TO CRY!
And yeah what'd you do huh?! Nothing! The (firetruck) is wrong with you?!
She just said that she doesn't kiss and tell! You should know I would never (firetruck)
cheat on you! Were you with her tonight?! Is she who you
disappeared with the whole night?! Yes!
You're never gonna trust me. Trust you? You think that I should trust you?!
Yes! WHERE HAS THAT EVER GOTTEN ME?!
Pshh oh come on Tessa who doesn't want to be yelling in the front yard of a frat house
at 1 in the morning with eyeliner and mascara running down your face? I mean it's one of
the few things white girls are even good at. Now in between all of this, Tessa has a few
little choice moments with Trevor, who's really the only sensible voice of reason in the entire movie.
Well y'know I don't leave tomorrow we could
still--that's--never mind, that's stupid. Haha.
Tessa. My sister has struggled with addiction her
whole life. This thing between you and Hardin. . . is not gonna end well.
Well, you're wrong. Yeah Trevor I'll have you know that I'm a teenage
girl who reads books and being miserable is the only thing that MAKES ME INTERESTING!
Anyway so then Tessa gets hit by a car.
But then she's fine.
After all this happens we flash over to see Hardin at his mom's place talking about feelings
and stuff. Did you hear that Vance was moving to Seattle?
Tessa's going too. How did you know? He's having a going away party on Sunday and
I think you should go get her. No I can't.
Can't? Or you don't want to face what you've left behind?
Mum I'm not-- Hardin. I love you but you have to start fighting
for what really matters. Pfft yeah sorry. What mom would ever give
this advice? "Hey son uh y'know what you should do is plan
out your entire life around this one girl you met when you were like 20. Yep, this is
definitely how real parents talk". Anyway, so the end of the movie is yet again
another party thing because Vance Publishing is moving to Seattle which also means that
Trevor and Tessa are going as well, because Tessa was just such a gosh darn good intern
that now she has a job there I guess. But, as Tessa and Trevor get to talking we learn
an interesting little bit of information that doesn't actually mean anything but here you go.
In the hospital, I answered your cell phone. It was Hardin, and I told him to stay away from you. And I do realize that I let my emotions
get the best of me, and I'm sorry. Okay.
Are you okay? Eeeeeh.
Sorry, I don't know why this is so funny. Although to be fair this is also the same
sound I make when anyone ever tries to call me on the phone.
EEEEEEEEEEE. But anyway, somehow of course Hardin shows
up at this party to win Tessa back or whatever he's doing up there, and she sees him and
runs out the door. So he follows her outside and we get the final
scene of the movie. I tried.
And then she hops in the car, never sees Hardin again because she realizes that she's way
better off without him and Trevor is better in like every way possible so what's even
the point you know what I'm sayin'?
ARE YOU FRICKIN KIDDING ME?!
You chose this? When you could have had THIS? So once again, just like every teen romance
story/movie since like ever I guess, we have a story of a girl who falls for a bAd BOy
and then realizes that she's in way over her head, and then the universe is like "Well
hey uh what about this fine young man who's more attractive has more personality is emotionally
mature has his life goin' place y'know he's a real catch". And then the girl's like "What's
that? A fun healthy stable relationship? Not if I can help it". Now along with this movie
coming out we also got news that there are TWO MORE SEQUELS in the works. Lord, I don't
know what I did but I am sorry. I mean this is like that one circle of hell
that even Dante was like "Pshh nope I ain't goin' in there".
But yeah so we had After, After we Collided, and I guess we'll all just have to reconvene
next year for the third entry, After I Threw Up. Or whatever it's called.
Y'know having covered as many of these types
of movies as I have now I mean gosh I've done what To All the Boys 2, Kissing Booth 2, the
whole Twilight saga, 50 Shades saga and now I did y'know After 2 and like one thing I've
noticed I mean I noticed it a while ago but it's still just reaffirmed now where it's
like the sequel in every single one of these like romance type things, so they finally
end up together, but then it turns out the relationship is really bad and all the red
flags are now suddenly still there y'know they didn't just disappear. And then the girl's
like oh man this relationship is not that good it's not at all what I wanted and then
she meets another guy who's better in every way everything she ever wanted okay it's like
just Mr. Perfect for Her shows up and then in the end she's like nah y'know what I would
rather just hope that my current boyfriend turns into the boy that I want magically one
day like that's what I'll wait for. It's such a weird like message or whatever to send to
like teenagers just to be like y'know like things could be better, but why try? It's
such just like a weird concept I guess back when I was in high school I used to y'know
think like oh I fell in love with this girl and she's the one and we're gonna be together
forever even though she didn't even know who I was but I just saw her like in the back
of math class and I was like thats the girl for me. I guess I don't know in a way I suppose
it's kind of like y'know all of the emotional investment of the first movie in whatever
series it is right where it's like oh they finally get together at the end and then like
in the sequel if it's like oh and then they break up and see someone else I guess I can
kinda see how people would be like upset by that where it's like well but I invested so
much time and energy into the first movie. Anyway thanks for watching everybody hope
you enjoyed the video I worked pretty hard on it I think it was a pretty good video I
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