MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT JUST RELEASED HIS FIFTH STANDUP
SPECIAL.
AND LIKE ALL OF THEM THEY'RE FANTASTIC!
PLEASE WELCOME ONE OF MY FAVORITE COMEDIANS, JIM
GAFFIGAN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ KEEP ON ROCKIN' IN THE FREE WORLD ♪
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> GOOD TO BE HERE.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE ROCKIN' A LITTLE BIT OF A DIFFERENT LOOK
RIGHT NOW.
>> THIS IS-- WELL, THIS IS A MUSTACHE.
>> Stephen: I WHAT IT IS.
IN THE WITNESS RELOCATION PROGRAM?
>> I'M DOING SOME PORN.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: GOING BACK TO YOUR ROOTS?
>> YEAH, GOING BACK-- IT'S NOT LIKE I HAD ENORMOUS, HIGH,
SELF-ESTEEM, BUT I WANTED TO SEE HOW LOW I COULD GO.
THIS-- THIS IS FOR AN ACTING ROLE.
I'M GOING TO BE IN "FARGO" THIS SEASON.
>> Stephen: OH, FANTASTIC.
( APPLAUSE ) I CAN BUY YOU-- I CAN BUY YOU
AS-- >> MIDWESTERNER.
>> Stephen: IT'S A BIT OF A STRETCH.
>> QUITE A STRETCH.
PLAY A WHITE BREAD GUY.
GOING TO PULL IT OFF.
I THINK I CAN PULL IT OFF.
>> Stephen: I THINK SO, TOO.
YOU KNOW, ONE OF THE THINGS THAT EVERYBODY LOVES ABOUT YOU, I
THINK EVERYBODY LIKES YOUR MATERIAL-- I LISTEN TO IT WITH
MY KIDS, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE I LOVE IT.
THEY LOVE IT.
IT'S NOT DIRTY.
IT'S CLEAN MATERIAL, FOR THE MOST PART, AND IT'S NOT
POLITICAL.
NOBODY CAN FIGURE OUT-- YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY THINKS YOU AGREE
WITH THEM, I BET.
>> I THINK THERE IS SOME OF THAT.
MY MATERIAL IS CLEAN BECAUSE JESUS TOLD ME TO BE CLEAN.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: HE TOLD ME TO BE CLEAN, TOO, BUT...
( LAUGHTER ) >> I DO THINK THAT, YOU KNOW--
IT'S WEIRD.
BECAUSE I MEAN, I'M GRATEFUL THAT A LOT OF DIFFERENT PEOPLE
COME TO MY SHOW, AND I DO SOMETIMES THINK THAT THEY
ATTRIBUTE THEIR BELIEFS TO ME BECAUSE I HAPPEN TO BE LIBERAL,
BUT I LOOK LIKE A REPUBLICAN SENATOR FROM THE 50s.
( LAUGHTER ) SO I FEEL LIKE PEOPLE ASSUME
THAT I'M ON THEIR SIDE.
AND I ALSO-- MAYBE I'M A BREAK FROM IT, YOU KNOW, A BREAK
FROM-- AND THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT DO IT MUCH BETTER THAN ME.
AND, YOU KNOW, I'M SOMEBODY WHO CAN TALK ABOUT MANY MUFFINS.
>> Stephen: LIKE NOBODY ELSE, MY FRIEND, LIKE NOBODY ELSE.
>> IT'S ART.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN MAKE THE MUFFINS SING.
>> MAKE IT IMPORTANT.
>> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT YOUR KIDS.
>> MY KIDS.
>> Stephen: ARE YOUR KIDS-- DO THEY HAVE POLITICAL OPINIONS?
>> MY KIDS HAVE INSANE POLITICAL OPINIONS.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE FIVE.
>> I HAVE FIVE CHILDREN.
( APPLAUSE ) SOME PEOPLE-- THERE'S ALWAYS
SOME CLAPPING AND THEN THE REST OF THEM ARE LIKE, "WELL, YOU DID
IT TO YOURSELF."
AND I DO HAVE FIVE KIDS.
AND IT'S A LOT OF KIDS.
FRANKLY, IT'S TOO MANY.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: ARE YOU FROM A BIG
FAMILY?
>> I'M ONE OF SIX.
MY WIFE IS ONE OF NINE.
AND IT'S -- >> Stephen: I'M ONE OF 11.
>> ONE OF 11.
AND IT'S JUST-- I MEAN, I LOVE MY KIDS.
THEY'RE-- THEY'RE MY GROUP.
BUT WE'RE LESS OF A FAMILY.
WE'RE MORE OF A MOB.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW, WE LITERALLY-- I WAS
IN-- I WAS DOING SHOWS IN LONDON LAST WEEKEND, AND THAT'S-- YOU
KNOW, HOW YOU WANT TO DEAL WITH JET LAG IS WITH FOUR KIDS UNDER
THE AGE OF 12.
AND I WOULD BRING MY TIRED, SLEEPY, POORLY BEHAVED CHILDREN
INTO A RESTAURANT, AND THE HORROR ON THE WAITSTAFF'S FACES.
I THINK I SAW A WAITRESS QUIT HER JOB?
( LAUGHTER ) SHE LOOKED AT MY CHILDREN, TOOK
OFF HER APRON, THREW IT ON THE REGISTER, AND WALKED OUT.
NOW, SHE COULD HAVE BEEN GETTING OFF HER SHIFT, BUT I LIKE TO
THINK SHE QUIT AND WENT HOME AND HUNG HERSELF.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE IT'S-- IT'S A LOT.
BUT THAT'S MY GROUP.
THAT'S -- >> Stephen: IN LONDON, SO HOW
LONG WERE YOU GUYS OVER THERE WITH THE KIDS?
>> WE WERE THERE FOR FOUR DAYS.
>> Stephen: WHAT WERE THE KIDS LIKE?
DID THEY GO TO THE TOWER OF LONDON, THINGS LIKE THAT?
>> WE WENT TO ALL THE TOURIST SIGHTS, BUT I THINK MY KIDS
REALLY ENJOYED-- THEY LOVED THE M&M STORE.
>> Stephen: I HEARD THEY'VE GOT A GOOD ONE.
>> THEY'VE GOT A GOOD ONE.
AND I TELL YOU, AS AN AMERICAN, SEEING THE M&M STORE, IT DOESN'T
MAKE ME EMBARRASSED TO BE AN AMERICAN.
IT MAKES ME EMBARRASSED TO BE A HUMAN.
( LAUGHTER ) I LIKE M&Ms, BUT I NEVER
THOUGHT, "WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO OPEN AN MAN MSTORE."
>> Stephen: ISN'T EVERY STORE AN M&M STORE?
WHERE CAN'T YOU BUY THEM?
>> EXACTLY.
>> Stephen: YOU GO TO THE ANTIQUE STORE AND SAY, "I'LL
TAKE THE COUCH, AND DO YOU HAVE ANY M&Ms."
>> AND THERE ARE THREE LESTLES.
THERE'S THE FIRST LOCAL OFFICIAL FOR M&Ms, AND THEN THERE'S
ANOTHER LEVEL FOR M&Ms, AND THE THIRD LEVEL I IMAGINE IS
WHERE THEY KILL THE PEOPLE WHO GO TO THE M&M STORE.
BY THE WAY, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG IF YOU LIKE GOING TO THE
M&M STORE BUT YOU SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO VOTE.
LET'S BE SERIOUS.
RIGHT?
WE HAVE AN AGE LIMIT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS RIGHT HERE.
THIS IS NEAR AND DEAR TO MY HEART.
YOU OPENED-- WHEN THE POPE WAS HERE LAST YEAR.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: OR TWO YEARS AGO AT THIS POINT, RIGHT?
>> IT'S ALL A BLUR.
>> Stephen: A YEAR AND A HALF AGO, HE WENT TO WILL PHILLY AND
YOU OPENED FOR THE POPE.
>> I KNOW, IT'S CRAZY.
>> Stephen: WHAT WAS IT LIKE TO OPEN FOR THE POPE.
DID YOU HAVE TO DO YOUR STAND-UP IN LATIN?
>> I'M CATHOLIC, YOU'RE CATHOLIC.
BUT I'M NOT A GOOD CATHOLIC.
LIKE, IF THERE WAS A TEST FOR CATHOLICS, I WOULD FAIL, YOU
KNOW,.
>> Stephen: I THINK YOU'RE PROBABLY A BETTER CATHOLIC THAN
I AM.
>> BUT MOST CATHOLICS WOULD FAIL, WHICH IS PROBABLY WHY
THERE'S NOT A TEST, YOU KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) THE CATHOLIC CHURCH WAS LIKE,
"LOOK, WE'VE LOST TOO MANY PEOPLE ALREADY."
BUT I GOT TO OPEN FOR THE POPE.
BUT HE WASN'T THERE WHEN I WAS DOING STAND-UP.
>> Stephen: THIS IS YOU SHAKING HANDS WITH PAPA.
>> AND BY THE WAY, THAT'S MY MOTHER-IN-LAW, THE MOTHER OF
NINE CHILDREN.
SHE'S LIKE A SHIITE CATHOLIC, SO SHE WAS VERY EXCITE GLD THIS GUY
BACK HERE?
>> THAT'S WAR GLEZ THIS GIERKS WHY IS THE SALT BAY GUY BEHIND
THE POPE BACK THERE?
>> HE IS, SIMILAR TO ME, A LATIN HEARTTHROB.
HE IS A FAMOUS LATIN-- ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) NO, IT WAS-- IT WAS AT-- IN
PHILADELPHIA, THE FESTIVAL OF FAMILIES, PHILADELPHIA, THE CITY
OF BROTHERLY LOVE, WHICH IF YOU'VE BEEN TO PHILLY, YOU KNOW
THEY MEAN THAT SARCASTICALLY.
( LAUGHTER ) I MEAN, I LOVE PHILLY, BUT
PHILLY, THE CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE, THEY MEAN THAT THE WAY
YOU'D SAY, "SYRIA, A PLACE FOR PEACE."
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
BUT I LOVE PHILADELPHIA.
I HAVE TO TAIL WHEN I WAS AT THE SOUND CHECK, I WENT FOR THE
SOUND CHECK, AND IT WAS PRETTY SCARY.
I WENT OUT AND THEY CONSTRUCTED THIS OUTDOOR AMPHITHEATER.
>> AND LOOKED ON THE HIGHWAY, AND THE AMPHITHEATER WAS EMPTY,
AND ON THE HIGHWAY THERE WAS A MILLION PEOPLE ALREADY THERE AT
THE SOUND CHECK.
AND I LOOKED APT THOSE PEOPLE AND I THOUGHT, WOW.
A MILLION PEOPLE THAT DON'T WANT TO SEE ME DO STAND-UP COMEDY,
BECAUSE THOSE PEOPLE WERE THERE TO SEE THE POPE, AND NOT ONE OF
THEM WAS THINKING, "I HOPE THE POPE HAS A COMEDIAN OPEN FOR
HIM."
>> Stephen: DID YOU HAVE ANY POPE MATERIAL?
>> DISOME POPE MATERIAL BUT I WAS NERVOUS AT THE SOUND CHECK.
I WAS LIKE, ALL RIGHT, I HAVE TO COME UP WITH PHILADELPHIA JOKES,
BUT I THOUGHT WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT PHILADELPHIA?
I KNOW THE LIBERTY BELL, I KNOW THE CHEESE STAKE, AND I JUST
WATCHED ESPN "30 FOR 30" DOCUMENTARY ABOUT EAGLES FANS
THROWING SNOWBALLS AT SANTA.
NOT ON THE BRAND OF BROTHERLY LOVE.
SO WHEN I WAS FINALLY INTRODUCED, THERE WAS STILL NO
ONE IN THE AMPHITHEATER, BECAUSE THE POPE WASN'T THERE.
BECAUSE I ESSENTIALLY OPENED FOR THE POPE MOBILE.
I FIGURED, ALL RIGHT, I'LL JUST DO MY SET.
I SAID, "IT'S GOING GOODTO BE HERE IN PHILADELPHIA, EXPWIT
HEARD THE ROAR FROM THE CROWD ON THE HIGHWAY.
I SAID I'LL PLAY TO THE CROWD ON THE HIGHWAY.
PHILLY LOVES THE POPE.
ANOTHER ROAR.
AND I SAID, "NOT THAT I WAS WORRIED, BUT YOU GUYS WEREN'T
THAT NICE TO SANTA CLAUS."
NOTHING.
SILENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN I HEARD SOMETHING THAT
SOUND LIKE BOOING-- WELL-- BECAUSE IT WAS BOOING.
BUT IT WASN'T EVERYONE.
IT WAS, LIKE 10%.
SO, LIKE, 100,000 PEOPLE BOOING MY SANTA JOKE BEFORE THEY SAW
THEIR RELIGIOUS LEADER WHO WAS GOING TO TALK TO THEM ABOUT
MERLSY.
( LAUGHTER ) AND SO I SWITCHED, AND I KIND OF
ADJUSTED MY ACT.
AND EVENTUALLY I HAD AN OPPORTUNITY TO MEET THE POPE.
AND I WAS IN THIS ROOM, AND EVERYONE WAS SAYING SOMETHING TO
THE POPE, AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
SO WHEN IT FINALLY CAME MY TURN I SAID, "DON'T BRENG YOU WANT
SANTA INCIDENT."
( LAUGHTER ) AND THE POPE DIDN'T SAY
ANYTHING, BUT HE GAVE ME A LOOK LIKE, "DUDE, I WOULD NEVER BRING
THAT UP."
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE BREAK HERE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE JIM GAFFIGAN.