-Welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show," everyone!
[ Cheering and applause ]
Well, guys, it's Friday night!
[ Cheering and applause ]
The weekend is here. It's time to check out
New York's newest hot spot that's open all night long --
the Javits Center mass vaccination site!
[ Cheering and applause ] Ow-w!
-[ Imitates vuvuzela blasting ]
Yeah, since it's Friday,
let's kick off the weekend with some good news.
For the first time since the pandemic began,
a majority of Americans now believe the COVID situation
in the United States is getting better.
That's right, 60% of Americans are feeling good.
Then, people realized today was the last episode
of "Wandavision," and that number dropped to less than 1%.
[ Laughter ] But, still.
But, still, moods are definitely improving.
Today, everyone's Apple Watch was like, "Okay, superstar,
look who took 14 steps today.
[ Laughter and applause ] Keep up the good work."
Yeah, we're all excited for a future
that doesn't involve Clorox-wiping our bananas.
[ Laughter ]
We might even have a normal summer.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Like like there's a chance --
There's a chance I can be there in a packed stadium
the next time Dr. Fauci
embarrasses himself with that first pitch.
[ Laughter ] -Aw.
-Bwuh-buh.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Don't worry. Don't worry.
Why are you worried? I would never --
I'm not going to show your pitch.
I'm not going to show it.
-Okay. -But our director, Alex, might.
-Hey, man!
[ Laughter ]
-Ah-bweh-weh.
Not quite. Alright.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Ah!
[ Applause ] -Not funny.
[ Laughter ]
-Not only are people feeling better about COVID,
they're also feeling good about President Biden.
A new AP poll puts his approval rating at 60%.
We're living through strange times.
60% approve of Biden
and 40% still believe Trump is president.
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of Biden, yesterday, he met with members of the House
to discuss jobs and infrastructure
and I thought some of his remarks
were pretty interesting. Here, watch this.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
-That's not all he said.
Later, this happened.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
-What?
[ Laughter ] It's odd that he was just talking about that,
but he said other things, too. Listen.
[ Laughter ] Here he is, talking about --
Here he is, talking about the good old days.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Finally, he ended the meeting by --
[ Laughter ]
by saying this --
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ] I'm just surprised nobody stopped him.
That's just insane, you know? Anyway.
Guys, Congress is getting close
to passing its COVID relief bill,
but Republican Senator John Kennedy
isn't supporting it and he used a pretty strange phrase
to describe the bill. Watch this.
-This feels dreadful.
Billions of dollars to pension programs;
billions of dollars to schools,
with no requirement that they open.
It's an orgy of pork.
[ Laughter and applause ] -Oh!
-If "orgy of pork" sounds familiar,
that's because it's the newest sandwich at Arby's.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Some more entertainment news.
I saw new photos from the "Space Jam" sequel,
starring LeBron James was just released.
But here's what's making the headlines.
The director said that they decided to make Lola Bunny
less sexualized than in the first movie.
And, if you're upset about this,
take a cold shower
[ Laughter ]
and, while you're in there, reevaluate your entire life.
[ Laughter ]
I just wish Tom Brokaw hadn't retired
because I'd love to hear him read this story, like --
[ As Brokaw ] Cartoon vixen Lola Bunny
was redesigned to reduce her sexual appeal.
[ Laughter ]
It's been a tough week for conservatives.
They're like, "We just want our bunnies sexy,
our children's books offensive,
and our potatoes with penises!"
[ Laughter ] -Oh! Oh!
-And, finally, listen to this --
there are new photos of a supersonic jet
that could someday fly from New York City to London
in 90 minutes. -Whoo!
-Check this thing out.
Look at that. Yeah, it's 90 minutes in the air
to London, and then another 90
to get spatula'd out of your seat.
[ Laughter and applause ] We have a great show, everyone!