I have a new favorite girl group right now.
They're called Fifth Harmony.
- Do you guys know them? - ( cheers )
Oh, my God! This place is packed with Harmonizers.
That's incredible!
Okay, if you don't know--
Some of you, maybe you know them, maybe you don't.
They have a few hits. You do know them.
Maybe you just don't know it's them.
They sing the "Work from Home" song.
That's them. The one that goes,
♪ You ain't gotta go to work, work, work ♪
That song is so good.
Oh, that song is so good.
It makes me think working from home could be more
than just melting cheese on things.
You know? It lets me dream.
I've never worked from home, but who cares.
They sing the song "Worth it."
That's them. You know the one that goes,
♪ Give it to me, I'm worth it ♪
And it has that saxophone riff at the end.
That song is so good.
Come on, that song is so good.
There is video footage of Guy Fieri
at a summer music festival where that song is playing
and he's autographing Lean Cuisines
and throwing them out into the audience like this.
And people want them.
That's how good Fifth Harmony is.
People wanted Lean Cuisines with Guy Fieri's name on them
in the middle of a field on a hot summer day
with nary a microwave in sight.
Find me a better pop band. You won't.
( sighs )
My favorite Fifth Harmony song-- It's a bit of a deeper cut.
It's called "Sledgehammer."
Do you guys know that one?
Oh, easily the second best song called "Sledgehammer."
You are not gonna find a better second best "Sledgehammer" than theirs.
That's the one that goes,
♪ If you could take my pulse right now ♪
♪ It would feel just like a sledgehammer ♪
- Man: Whoo! - ( scattered cheers )
It makes no sense. Right?
I'm not in construction or whatever
but a sledgehammer seems like the kinda thing
you only swing once.
Right?
I watched the music video.
Even the hot guy in the video
only swings the sledgehammer once.
So, if your pulse is like a sledgehammer,
you're dead.
Then I realized they meant jackhammer.
( laughter, scattered applause )
They meant jackhammer.
( cheers )
Oh, you guys, they fucking meant jackhammer.
( laughter )
But no one in their lives does manual labor.
So they're just all out there in booty shorts singing about the wrong tool.
( laughter )
And that's why I love Fifth Harmony.
They make mistakes.
They're just like you and me, you know.
I think the best part about this is
some of you guys don't even know who I'm talking about.
One of them has already quit the band.
So, you gotta get on board with them now
'cause right now they are a four-membered band
and they're still called Fifth Harmony.
It's so beautifully goofy.
God, but I think they're better as four-membered band.
I'll tell you why, 'cause now when you listen to them,
you can imagine that you're the fifth.
And why shouldn't it be you up there dancing with the girls?
Like, "Oh, my God! My pulse feels like a screwdriver right now."
It could be you.
( laughter )
I've been--
Things are going good now.
I'm living alone for the first time.
So exciting.
God, I had roommates forever.
I got 'em off of Craigslist.
I was so ready to give 'em back to Craigslist.
Ooh! But now living alone I'm realizing
the person who does all the things that annoy me is me.
Now every time I come home I have this crisis.
Like, "It is I who cannot wash a dish.
It is I who leaves one square of toilet paper on the roll.
All these pubes are mine!"
( laughter, scattered applause )
Do you guys have pubes or--?
( laughter )
I do. I got 'em.
I'm-- I'm for having pubes.
I think we should. I don't know.
I was in a long-distance relationship
for the last two years
and it was a very confusing time for me.
I felt like I was living a double life pubicly,
'cause we only saw each other like one weekend a month.
So for like three and a half weeks I'd be like, "I'm a wolf!"
And then for those two days I'd be like, "I'm a little girl."
And I just wasn't being true to myself.
You know?
Man, long-distance is so hard.
It's so hard.
I was in it for two years
and one day I just reached this breaking point.
I was like, "I can't Skype these tits forever."
You know?
I gotta be with somebody nearby
who can appreciate this modest rack
without seeing it buffering.
You know? Is that so much to ask for?
I still have flashbacks sometimes
to when we'd be on, like, Skype or FaceTime trying to be sexy or whatever
and the internet connection would drop out
and he'd be stuck with a freeze-frame
of me with my tits out making some Robert De Niro face.
Like--
Ugh.
By the time the connection would come back,
I'd already be way down the anxiety spiral.
I'd be like, "I'm so sorry.
I bought the cheapest Wi-Fi package.
I'm such an idiot! I always cut corners in the wrong places.
They offered my turbo speed but I didn't know what that meant,
'cause it's all coming in through the same wire.
How do you know they're giving it to you?
Anyway, are you still hard?"
( laughter )
( scattered applause )
That was the last two years of my love life.
So, you know, it's probably good that that's done.
Now, I can have the bush of my dreams.
And I do! And I think--
Oh, man, it's really time for the bush to come back.
It just is 'cause it's been out of style for a while,
and in the meantime, dudes all have beards now.
And those are on your faces.
Like can't we have a secret pants beard?
Wouldn't that be fair?
No one really has to know about it.
I just-- It's so weird to me.
There are guys who are squeamish about women with pubes.
They'll be like, "Oh, I don't like that."
It's like, come on, if you love pussy enough,
wouldn't you dig through anything?
( laughter, applause )
You've been served a burger with a salad on the side before.
You push it away.
It's so simple. You know?
And for women, it's just so exciting
to find out who you really are, too, once you let it go.
Like I've been nurturing this one for a little while.
Right now it looks like I'm sitting on Kramer's shoulders.
- ( laughter, applause ) - That's the look I've got going.
Looks like we're gonna show up
at your apartment together by surprise.
It looks like The Weeknd is performing in my underwear.
Every day is a thrill.
- ( cheers ) - So...