(ringing) (foreboding music)
(scary music) - [Raphael] Wow!
This place is great!
How can we afford this?
- We got a really good deal on it because of all the murders
and the maddening psychic energy exuded
by the house itself.
- The what?
- Anyway, I'm sure you guys are excited to get to writing,
just like I am, so I'll leave you to it!
(suspenseful music)
(footsteps)
(suspenseful music)
- You guys wanna look for some local ass on Tinder?
- Yes, of course I would.
I would enjoy that.
(upbeat hip hop music) (sighing)
Let's get to work.
- Yeah!
Oooh.
Yeah.
All these people are right here?
(laugh)
The murdered wife of Delbert Grady?
- Room 237 is only point one miles away.
- Hot.
- That's scary.
- Scary fuckable.
We're a hot commodity to these people.
This woman looks like she hasn't been out of the bathtub
in years.
- Ooh, girl who watched her twin sister
get murdered by an ax and was then murdered by an ax.
Yes. - Split her in two.
- A clown who got electrocuted during a children's
birthday party.
Yes.
(scary music) And Brad.
He's the bassist in a Christian reggae band
called We Don't Need No Crystal Ball.
- Oh my God.
- I know.
Brad was still wearing his class ring.
There's some dark shit out there.
- No, not that!
All those horrible dead people!
Aren't you guys listening to what you're saying?
- Alright fine, Raph, here.
Guest swipe.
(ominous music)
- Elevator full of blood.
- Ohh.
- Uh-oh.
- A vegetarian who was eaten by a horny cow.
- Hot.
- An Irish nanny who died chasing a ball.
- Nice!
- No to everyone!
- What!?
Raph, you maniac.
- Yeah, those were all guaranteed matches.
- So all those people live in this house?
No thank you.
- Ugh, monster.
- Yeah!
See, they're gross.
- No, no!
This girl only has group shots.
- I don't know which one of them is which,
they're playing a fucking game with us.
- Yeah. - What's up guys?
Tindering for locals?
- Ha. - Yeah.
- Hell yeah.
- I'm not sure that we're safe here.
- You might be right, Raph.
Jake is the manager of an Auntie Anne's Pretzel stand
in the mall, nope! - No.
And Megan is a Pyramid Herbal representative, ughhh.
- Stop, I'm getting freaked out.
- Those people, no, those people sound fine!
At least they're not literally decomposing.
- No, don't you understand, Raph?
We could have been these people.
- Yeah, seriously, it's like looking in a freaky mirror
and I'm wearing an Uncle Kracker T-shirt.
- Randy collects swords and brews his own energy drink
called Lock n' Load.
- Ugh. (harsh violin strings)
Okay, we have to stop.
I'm getting too freaked out.
- I'm having some luck on mine.
A screaming head.
- Oh oh.
- A woman with no mouth.
- Ooh. - Aah.
- And an ever expanding tub of humanoid goo, all matches.
- Jealous. - Yeah.
- Aah, we got a message back!
- Hey!
- Ooh, that flirt!
- Gah! (slam)
(slam)
- Where you going?
- I'm gonna go meet one of those normal people.
- Hey, must be the money!
(laugh)
Just kidding.
Must be the Megan!
Anyway, I brought some literature about a health sensation
that's sweeping the nation.
Pyramid Herbal!
(loud screaming)
(screaming continues)
- Aah!
- Just get three friends and then they get three friends
and they get 64 friends.
(swish)
(ring)
- Hello.
- Hi, 911?
I'm calling about a group of my employees
that are in a rental up by you for a writing retreat.
- Okay, sir.
How can I help you?
- Well, I haven't been able to get through to them
and I'm worried something terrible may have happened.
They're all very, very dumb.
- Well, we'd be more than happy to head on over,
check it out for ya.
(suspenseful music)
- No, that's okay.
I'll do it myself.
- Really?
Are you in the area?
- No.
No, I'm very far away, in fact.
Very, very far away.
- Why did you even bother calling?
Hello?
(phone receiver clicks)
(ominous music)
- So dumb.
(swoosh)
- Hey, what's up?
It's Allie from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe.
Click here to see some more cool stuff.
And if you want to see a hot babe in the city,
click here.
(relaxed, down tempo drum beat)
I made that.
This is what I like.