- The other day I was playing with my little daughter,
she's two and a half years old.
She was wrestling with me and she's on my chest
and we were having so much fun.
And then all of a sudden,
the action slowed down a little bit and she stopped
and she looked at me and she sneezed
right in my mouth.
And I threw up on her immediately.
Not like a little puke.
Like a fire hydrant,
I knocked her off my chest.
It was that fast.
It was achoo, blaaaa.
The reason I'm telling you this is my wife got mad
at me for throwing up on her daughter.
She was like, "Why, why would you do that?
That's your own flesh and blood?
Why would you throw up on her?"
Why would I throw up on her?
This is not me not wanting to finish her tuna sandwich.
Mucus that originated in her was launched
unbeknownst to me right in my mouth.
Nothing but net hit that little punching bag in the back.
Why would I do, why, like I made a choice,
like I was sitting there, she sneezed in my mouth,
I had time to think.
It's just not right.
"You know what, honey?
We should probably take some toys away from her,
teach her a lesson.
You know what?
Check that, I'm gonna throw up on her,
you hold her legs.
You hold her legs, I'm gonna get her.
I got nothing.
You can got to hold those chunky little legs, would you?"
I thought about both our actions,
how similar they were with different outcomes, right?
'Cause the same body, it's so violent, the body reaction
but they're very similar in a sneeze and throwing up.
But a sneeze is so enjoyable
and she did it the right way too.
'Cause when you're young, you don't think to block
a sneeze and that's how you're supposed to sneeze.
You're supposed to just let it go.
That's why when we're home alone, that's what we do.
We get the sneeze feeling, we're like,
"Hey nobody's here."
I'll go."
You just let it rip and then you watch the pixie dust
and the light for 20 seconds.
Still can't feel my legs, this is awesome.
This is euphoria, I'm good.
Throwing up, man, that's a different story.
Ooh, this was horrible.
I took my kids to an amusement park
and we are there and I know I can't do the rides
like when I was young, I used to be able to do any ride
and I can't handle it anymore, I just can't do it.
So I was like, "I have to do something though."
The day's starting to wrap up and I got to get on a ride
'cause my son hasn't seen me go on a ride with him at all."
We haven't done anything bonding together.
And I'm like, "I got to pick one out quick
and just be a man."
So I'm like, "I got to go on some of these rides."
So I started scouting them and I was like,
"Which ones could I do and not get sick?"
I was like, "Tea cups, they're out for sure.
I'll throw up immediately."
But then I saw the pirate ship.
You ever see the pirate ship that goes back and forth?
No, no, no, no, I scouted it, believe me.
It's only three minutes, first of all
and it doesn't go up all the way around,
which I was worried about.
I thought it was gonna go up over the top.
It doesn't and it's very short ride.
So I said I'll do it.
And I get my son, "Hey, you wanna go be pirates, man.
Let's do this."
And he's like, "Yes, dad let's do it."
So we get on the ship and we buckle in
and we're like, "Yeah let's do it, boom."
By the time the ride got here,
I knew I made a massive miscalculation.
And I just said, "Oh, this is not good.
This is not good."
I just knew, you know when you know you gonna throw up.
You're like, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no."
I was like, "I can't do it.
I had to buckle down.
I got to be strong about this.
My son, he will remember this
for the rest of his life.
He'll remember the time daddy threw up on the pirate ship.
I can't do it.
I got to be a man."
I sucked it up,
I care too much about him and his respect of me.
By the time the ship got here,
I didn't give a crap about my son.
I didn't care about anybody in the world.
The only two people I cared about was me
and the kid in front of the red button
who could stop this thing.
But he's not looking at me 'cause he's looking at his phone
probably on some carny dating site just swiping.
So now I'm really panicked.
Then the ship went back one more time.
And you know when you get that water
at the back of your mouth.
Like vomits way of ringing the doorbell,
just like, "Hey, how's it going?
We're in the neighborhood.
We're gonna be coming by
in about a couple minutes or whatever.
I don't know if you have a mint handy in the house,
you might wanna get a mint ready
'cause there's a whole bunch of us too
so you should probably leave the garage door open.
We'll see ya.
Yeah, no we're coming back.
We are coming back.
It's on."
So I'm like, now I'm panicked.
I'm going, how do I throw,
I'm praying that, there's a little girl in front of me,
I'm hoping she throws up
so I can piggyback my puke with hers
and try to hide it from my son
'cause my son's here, I'm a big guy.
If I can puke with her and throw it this way,
or at least blame her.
She didn't puke, but I did.
I threw up big in my mouth
and I swallowed it.
'Cause that's what a man does.
- I think the most high I've ever been in public,
there is a tie for first place.
Okay, there's the first time I did MDMA, molly
and the other time was when I went
and saw the Tupac hologram at Coachella.
So the first time I did, it was like 10 years ago,
I went to this comedy festival
and I bought a bunch of those little molly pills
and I went to see a comedy show
and I was with my buddy, Carl.
I gave him a pill.
I took a pill and we felt like a million dollars, right?
Serotonin machine gun going off in my brain.
And I felt so good that I turned to my friend.
I go, "Dude, if we eat like four
or five more of these little guys,
we'll feel four or five times as good, my man.
That's basic math bro, bro."
So we fucking wolfed down a bunch more.
What a fucking mistake.
Because then my eyeballs started working independently
like a chameleon.
And they're like, ah,
like David Attenborough from "Planet Earth"
started narrating my thoughts.
Like, "This asshole has taken more drugs than he can handle.
And now his heart will do a slipknot drum solo."
My eyes were doing like diplo air horn soundtrack.
So I fucking panicked, I ran outside,
my heart's beating out of my chest, right?
And I'm like, "I'm gonna have to go
to the fucking hospital."
I'm having a meltdown.
And I go, "No, I got it.
I'll make myself throw up or,"
we call it, pulling the trigger.
You know what I mean?
Or at least that's what we called it in ballet class.
I don't know what you guys call it.
So I run outside and I'm fucking slamming my finger
in the back of my throat.
The problem was I had so much MDMA
coursing through my veins, it wasn't making me throw up.
It just felt like I was hitting a hidden G-spot
in the back of my throat
and my uvula was like a giant clitoris.
So I was just like.
And I've never cummed harder in my entire life.
First and only time I have ever achieved orgasm.
Thank you.
- I'm gonna be indulgent and tell a story
that's just a true story.
It's about one of my sisters.
I have three sisters.
This is about one of them.
I won't say which one, but her name is Jo Dean.
Joe Dean went to Boston University.
And if you're familiar with BU they have co-ed dorms,
which most universities have now,
but they have co-ed bathrooms in the co-ed dorms.
And Jo Dean got the drunkest she had ever been
her freshman year like so many freshmen do
and she stumbled back to her room
and she managed to get her jeans off
and just passed out in a t-shirt and underwear.
And a few minutes later, the room started spinning
and she ran to the bathroom
and she started throwing up and she's vomiting.
And while she is vomiting,
she can feel that somebody is tugging her underwear down
but she couldn't turn around or stop it
because she was throwing up so hard.
And she's vomiting and vomiting
and they're tugging her underwear down,
it's going down all the way down to the ground.
And she finally finishes throwing up
and she whips her head around to see who's there
but she didn't see anybody
because she had been shitting herself.
That's a true story.
I'm gonna say like, I would call that a relief laugh.
Release laugh.
Oh, I know that I'm your show, but you have to understand
you are my show and you are so beautiful.
You had so much empathy.
You were so worried you could hear a pin drop in the story.
It was so nice.
And I understand you thought she was gonna get raped.
And she thought she was gonna get raped.
She thought she was about to get raped.
And I've really thought about this.
And I think this may be one of the only scenarios
where you can look down at a pair of underwear
just,
just filled with your own shit
and think, "Oh, thank God.
Oh my God.
Oh, literally yay."