WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
HAPPY FRIDAY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THAT SOUND.
>> Stephen: RIGHT THERE.
THERE'S NO MISTAKING THAT.
THERE'S NO MISTAKING THAT, JON.
JON, TELL ME, YOU'RE AN EXPERT.
YOU HAVE A GOOD EAR.
WHAT KIND OF AUDIENCE IS THAT?
>> Jon: THAT'S A FRIDAY AUDIENCE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THAT IS.
WOOOO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CABLES TO THAT RIGHT THERE.
>> Jon: HOOK IT UP!
>> Stephen: HAPPY FRIDAY, EVERYBODY.
OF AND IT'S GLOWFT ANY FRIDAY.
TONIGHT IS ACTUALLY THE TWO-YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE PANDEMIC!
TWO YEARS-- IT'S TRUE.
TWO YEARS IS THE COTTON ANNIVERSARY.
YOUR GIFT IS ALL THOSE CLOTH MASKS THAT WE NOW KNOW ARE
COMPLETELY INEFFECTIVE.
THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION THIS IS TRUE, OFFICIALLY
DECLARED COVID A PANDEMIC ON MARCH 11, 2021.
REMEMBER THOSE EARLY LOCKDOWN DAYS?
ME NEITHER.
BUT LET'S TRY, IN OUR BELOVED ONCE-RUNNING SEGMENT:
>> "THE LATE SHOW'S ROCKIN' TWO-YEAR CORONAVIRUS
PANDEMI-VERSARY: A FO-- LOOK BACK."
>> I'M GONNA GET OMI-CRUNKED!
>> Stephen: BACK AT THE START OF ALL THIS, NOT EVERYONE WAS
TAKING COVID SERIOUSLY.
CASE IN POINT: UTAH JAZZ CENTER RUDY GOBERT, SEEN HERE AFTER
DAVID BLAINE STOLE HIS WATCH.
( LAUGHTER )
OF 2020, RUDY MADE FUN OF PANDEMIC PRECAUTIONS WHEN, JUST
DAYS BEFORE TESTING POSITIVE, HE STOOD TO LEAVE, TURNED BACK, AND
JOKINGLY TOUCHED EVERY MICROPHONE ON THE TABLE.
THAT CLIP HAS NOT AGED WELL, BUT AFTER TWO YEARS OF COVID,
NEITHER HAVE I.
WHEN THE PANDEMIC WAS OFFICIALLY DECLARED, ALL OF THE NEW YORK
LATE-NIGHT HOSTS GOT TOGETHER AND WE MADE A DETAILED PLAN...
THAT IMMEDIATELY GOT FLUSHED DOWN THE TOILET.
TELL 'EM WHAT HAPPENED, STEVE!
LET ME EXPLAIN WHAT'S GOING ON.
ALL OF THE NEW YORK CITY LATE-NIGHT SHOWS ARE PLANNING TO
GO WITHOUT AUDIENCES STARTING MONDAY.
WE ANNOUNCED THAT LAST NIGHT, ACTUALLY.
AND THAT CHANGED, BECAUSE JUST A FEW HOURS AGO, WE GOT SOME
SURPRISING NEWS: WE WOULD BE GOING WITHOUT AN AUDIENCE
STARTING TONIGHT.
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE.
WE'RE JUST KIND OF WINGING IT.
THIS IS REHEARSAL RIGHT NOW.
THAT'S RIGHT!
OUR LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE WAS GATHERED OUTSIDE, AND THEY WERE
ALL SENT HOME.
WELL, NOT THE TOURISTS.
THEY WENT TO GO TOUCH STUFF AT THE M&M STORE.
( LAUGHTER )
DIDN'T DO A SHOW, WE JUST TAPED OUR REHEARSAL.
THAT DAY'S AUDIENCE WAS JUST TWO DOZEN STAFF MEMBERS SCATTERED
THROUGHOUT THE SEATS.
AND COMPARED TO THE STORAGE ROOM WE TAPED IN FOR THE NEXT 15
MONTHS, THAT SOUNDED LIKE A SOLD-OUT CROWD AT THE GARDEN.
DAYS LATER, FOLKS ACROSS THE COUNTRY WERE TOLD TO SHELTER IN
PLACE.
AND FOR SOME OF US, THAT PLACE WAS THE TUB:
PEOPLE ALL OVER AMERICA HAVE HUNKERED TOWN IN THEIR OWN
HOUSES TO RIDE OUT THE CORONAVIRUS.
THE C.D.C. IS SAYING THIS MIGHT GO ON FOR THE NEXT EIGHT
WEEKS.
SO, GET COMFORTABLE.
( APPLAUSE )
EIGHT WEEKS.
OKAY, EIGHT WEEKS WAS A LITTLE OFF.
( LAUGHTER )
FOR HOW MUCH BATHING I'D DO DURING THE PANDEMIC.
THOSE EARLY FIRST FEW MONTHS WERE TOUGH.
IT WAS ALMOST TWO YEARS AGO TODAY WHEN WE GOT HIT WITH A
GLOBAL TOILET PAPER SHORTAGE.
IT MAY NOT HAVE BEEN OUR NUMBER-ONE PROBLEM, BUT IT WAS
DEFINITELY NUMBER TWO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
TH( RIM SHOT ) THANK YOU, JOE.
WITH T.P. SHELVES EMPTY, PEOPLE STARTED SCRAMBLING FOR AN
ALTERNATIVE.
AND, IN MARCH OF 2020, U.S.
SEARCHES FOR "BIDET" REACHED AN ALL-TIME HIGH.
OF COURSE, A SEARCH FOR "BIDET" IS ALWAYS FOLLOWED BY SEARCHES
FOR "HOW DO I DRY OFF MY BUTT WITHOUT TOILET PAPER" AND
"ARE TERRY CLOTH DRAPERIES A THING?"
AND THERE WERE SO MANY MOMENTS OF HOPEFUL HUMANITY DURING
THE LOCKDOWN, LIKE QUARANTINING ITALIANS, WHO SERENADED EACH
OTHER FROM THEIR BALCONIES.
♪ ♪ ♪ AND HERE IN AMERICA, WE DID THE
SAME.
I'M SORRY, WHAT'S THAT?
I'M SORRY, I'M BEING TOLD THAT WE ACTUALLY BANGED POTS AND PANS
TOGETHER AT 7:00 FOR NURSES?
DID WE DO ANYTHING ELSE FOR THEM?
NO, JUST THE BANGING?
YOU'RE WELCOME?
( LAUGHTER )
HAPPENED: VACCINES, NEW PRESIDENT, MURDEROUS
ANTI-DEMOCRATIC RAMPAGE ON OUR CAPITOL, YADDA-YADDA-YADDA, "THE
BATMAN."
( LAUGHTER )
OUR TWO YEARS OF PANDEMIC?
THE ONE COMMON EXPERIENCE THAT UNITES US AS AMERICANS?
WE ALL GOT A LI'L PUDGY.
BUT NOW, 61% OF AMERICANS ARE TRYING TO BREAK UNHEALTHY EATING
HABITS THAT AROSE DURING THE PANDEMIC.
GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
( LAUGHTER )
USING THEIR TREADMILL AS A CONVEYOR BELT TO FUNNEL THIN
MINTS DIRECTLY INTO OUR MOUTHS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
JUST SET IT ON 8.
INCLINE, INCLINE.
♪ ♪ ♪ AND PEOPLE AREN'T THE ONLY ONES
FEELING THE WEIGHT OF THE PAST TWO YEARS.
APPARENTLY, PETS HAVE ALSO PUT ON PANDEMIC POUNDS.
AND THAT MEANS ALL PETS.
WE'RE TALKIN' THICK KITTIES, CHONKY DOGGIES, AND EVEN PLUMP
PET SNAKES.
WHAT ARE THEY FEEDING THAT THING?
AND HAS ANYONE SEEN OUR FAT DOG LATELY?
( LAUGHTER )
THE NEXT YEARS WILL BRING, PANDEMIC-WISE, BUT AT LEAST
I'VE LEARNED NOT TO SAY WHAT I SAID ON LAST YEAR'S ANNIVERSARY:
THAT DOES IT FOR OUR ONE-YEAR QUARANNIVERSARY SPECIAL.
TUNE IN NEXT YEAR, WHEN I HOPE WE HAVE NOTHING TO COMMEMORATE.
WAY TO GO, PAST STEPHEN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OH, AND HOT TIP: DON'T GET THAT J-LO HEARTS A-ROD TATTOO.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S BAD FOR YOU.
IN OTHER HEALTH NEWS, A NEW STUDY FOUND THAT EXPOSURE TO
LEADED GASOLINE LOWERED THE I.Q.
OF ABOUT HALF THE POPULATION OF THE UNITED STATES, WHICH
EXPLAINS THE POPULARITY OF "THE MASKED SINGER."
FOR OUR YOUNGER VIEWERS
FOR OUR YOUNGER VIEWERS, WHO MAY NOT UNDERSTAND THIS NEWS
STORY, BACK IN THE DAY, GASOLINE USED TO HAVE LEAD IN IT.
WHEN I WAS A KID, AFTER HE FILLED UP THE CAR, DAD USED TO
LET US LICK THE NOZZLE.
THE DETAILS ARE... THEY'RE UPSETTING.
IN TOTAL, CHILDHOOD LEAD EXPOSURE COST AMERICA AN
ESTIMATED 824 MILLION I.Q.
POINTS, OR 2.6 POINTS PER PERSON, ON AVERAGE.
THAT'S ON AVERAGE, OF COURSE.
SOME MORE, SOME LESS.
THE MAJORITY OF THE I.Q. LOST WERE CONCENTRATED IN THESE TWO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SURE.
BUT ACCORDING TO THE STUDY, THIS IS ONLY REALLY A PROBLEM FOR
PEOPLE BORN BEFORE 1996, THE YEAR THE U.S. BANNED GAS
CONTAINING LEAD.
OKAY, BUT I WAS BORN BEFORE 1996.
ARE THEY SAYING THAT EXPOSURE TO LEAD MADE ME LESS SMART?
THAT DOESN'T-- THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.
IN OTHER NEWS, EXPOSURE TO LEADED GASOLINE LOWERED THE I.Q.
OF ABOUT HALF THE POPULATION OF THE UNITED STATES.
WELL, THAT EXPLAINS THE POPULARITY OF "THE MASKED
SINGER!" ANYWAY, WELCOME TO "THE LATE
SHOW," I'M STEPHEN COLBERT!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE AIDY BRYANT AND COMEDIAN ALEX EDELMAN.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I GIVE YOU A PREVIEW OF THE NEXT HOT
TREND IN CRIME.
STICK AROUND.