- There's always a couple of guys
that don't care about the cold, right?
They're like, "What is it, two degrees out there?
"That's nothing, I went golfing.
"I'm wearing shorts 'cause I'm a dick."
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
Fall people love fall.
"It's my favorite season." (audience laughs)
It's not a competition.
"My favorite season,
"that I'm voting for on America's Next Top Season, is fall."
(audience laughs)
People that love fall they go crazy for the foliage.
They're like, (gasps) "The foliage!
"Let's drive by the foliage.
"It's so beautiful the way the leaves die."
(audience laughs)
"They're so pretty right before they fall to their death."
There's pressure to enjoy summer, right?
I'm from the Midwest, it's almost a panic.
(audience laughs)
Go out there, have fun.
Winter's coming to kill us.
(audience laughs)
Go, get skin cancer now!
'Cause there's an expectation of fun during summer.
In winter, we discuss summer with such reverence.
In January you'd think we were talking about a family pet
that passed away. (audience laughs)
Remember summer?
I miss summer. (audience laughs)
I have photos of summer.
That's when we're a happy family.
(audience laughs)
Last summer we did our first big family vacation.
Well, I should clarify, we went to Disney.
Now, if you haven't been to Disney as an adult,
just imagine you're standing in line at the DMV,
and that's it. (audience laughs)
Actually, it was Orlando in July,
so it was kind of like standing in line
on the surface of the sun.
Why would we do this to ourselves?
(audience laughs)
Remember when you were a kid, you'd go on vacation,
you'd be like, "Why is dad always in a bad mood?"
(audience laughs)
Now I understand. (audience laughs)
How can I spend an enormous amount of money,
be uncomfortable,
and listen to my children complain and whine?
(audience laughs)
Disney. (audience laughs)
Oh good.
My three-year-old's now four.
I also have a nine-year-old and an eight-year-old
and a two-year-old and a one-year-old.
I have five kids.
I used to have more, but I ate them.
(audience laughs)
Five kids.
I love it, but I don't know what happened.
10 years ago I couldn't get a date.
And now my apartment's literally crawling with babies.
(audience laughs)
It's like I left peanut butter out or something.
(audience laughs)
Strangers, for some reason,
think I'm unaware that it's a lot of kids,
"Five kids, that's a lot of kids."
Oh, you think so? (audience laughs)
Thanks for the heads up.
Do you mind if I stab you on the head?
The best is when I'm alone with my five kids,
and inevitably struggling,
and some stranger will come up to me and go,
"It looks like you got your hands full."
Why would you say that?
It's like going up to someone in a wheelchair,
"Looks like you don't do a lot of dancing."
(audience laughs)
Looks like you got your hands full.
Yeah, I can still punch you.
Try and be a good dad.
I sat the older three down,
and I explained to them that the new baby
does not mean I love them any less,
but I will have to let one of them go.
(audience laughs)
So if anyone knows of a toddler rescue.
Maybe we could get Sarah McLachlan to do the commercial.
(audience laughs)
♪ I will remember ♪ (audience applauds)
I love that commercial.
Even the dogs in that commercial are like,
"This is a little heavy handed, Sarah."
(audience laughs)
"We are just dogs after all.
"There are still kids starving in Africa, right?"
I don't like that joke at all.
Why would he put that joke in this special?
My wife had the baby at home.
We had all our babies at home,
just to make you feel uncomfortable.
(audience laughs)
People don't want to hear about home birth.
They're like, "Oh, you had your baby at home?
"Yeah, we were gonna do that
"but we wanted our baby to live."
(audience laughs)
People always assume there was some laziness involved.
(audience laughs)
"You didn't want to go to the hospital?"
It was far. (audience laughs)
I didn't feel like putting on pants.
(audience laughs)
We had our baby at home, not in a field.
"At home?
"Well, why wouldn't you have it
"in that germ infested building"
"where sick people congregate?
"Didn't your wife want to give birth in a gown
"Someone died in yesterday?"
(audience laughs)
It's just the truth.
Home birth is crazy, huh?
It was all my wife's idea.
I don't even like cooking at home, you know?
And it's wild, you know?
There was so much screaming at one point,
I actually woke up. (audience laughs)
What, did someone score touchdown?
Oh, you're having another baby.
(audience laughs)
Can you keep it down?
I'm trying to get a tight 12 hours in.
I love our holiday traditions,
like the Christmas tree,
where we go out and we chop down a tree
and we put it in our living room.
Kind of sounds like the behavior of a drunk man really.
(audience laughs)
Some woman wakes up,
"Honey, why is there a pine tree in our living room?"
"I like it! (audience laughs)
"We're gonna decorate it for Jesus."
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
"And then I'm gonna hang my socks over the fireplace.
"Fill them with candy.
"Maybe I'll tie some leaves to the ceiling
"and see if I can get some action.
"But now I got to puke on that couch.
"Merry Christmas."
(audience laughs)
Some people get so into Christmas they decorate their yards.
It seems completely backwards.
All right, chop down that tree, bring it in here.
Take all these lights, put them out there.
Ooh, I really got to get a job.
(audience laughs)
He's anti-Christmas. (audience laughs)
Easter, that's a weird tradition.
Easter, the day Jesus rose from the dead,
what should we do?
How 'bout eggs? (audience laughs)
What does that have to do with Jesus?
All right, we'll hide them.
(audience laughs)
I don't follow your logic.
Don't worry, there's a bunny.
(audience laughs)
It's ridiculous.
(audience laughs)
Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving, it's like we didn't even try
to come up with a tradition.
The tradition is we overeat.
Hey, how 'bout at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?
We do that every day.
(audience laughs)
What if we eat a lot with people
who annoy the hell out of us?
Oh, he's anti-family.
Thanksgiving, that is all about overeating.
I mean, one of the main dishes is actually called stuffing.
Stuffing, what names did they turn down?
Cram it in? (audience laughs)
Eat until you can't breathe?
(audience laughs)
Am I the only one that doesn't feel comfortable
with the fact stuffing is cooked inside a dead animal?
Shove a loaf of bread up there, mm, delicious.
(audience laughs)
Kind of a humiliating way to go out for the turkey.
"You're gonna kill me?"
Oh, it's going to get a lot worse.
(audience laughs)
You do not wanna know.
(audience laughs)
But really we're a country that loves food.
I mean, think about it,
once a week on the news there's a piece on American obesity.
Then we show a big guy walking
and they'll block out his face,
but that guy knows it's him.
(audience laughs)
"That shirt looks familiar.
"Oh crap!
"Can't wear that shirt again."
Poor guy gets to work,
"Hey, Bill, saw your fat on the news."
"Oh, I know." (audience laughs)
And we're never satisfied when it comes to food.
You know what would be good on this burger?
A ham sandwich. (audience laughs)
Instead of a bun, let's use two donuts.
(audience laughs)
That way we can have it for breakfast.
Look out, McGriddle, here comes the donut-ham hamburger.
(audience laughs)
You guys laugh,
but you know there's someone at Dunkin' Donuts going,
"That's not a bad idea." (audience laughs)
"Maybe we can have the diet donut-ham hamburger,
"'cause we need variety."
I reference McDonald's a lot 'cause I go to McDonald's.
I love the silence that follows that statement.
Like I just admitted to support dog fighting or something.
How could you?
McDonald's? (audience laughs)
It's fun telling people you go to McDonald's.
They always give you that look like,
"Oh, I didn't know I was better than you."
(audience laughs)
No one admits to going to McDonald's.
You ever been at McDonald's and you see a friend,
for a second you're like, oh crap!
(audience laughs)
Eventually, you're like, hey, hey, what's going on?"
And they're just like, "I'm just here for the 99 cent ATM.
"What are you doing here, Jim?"
(audience laughs)
I'm just meeting a hooker. (audience laughs)
Certainly not eating here, that's for sure.
Yeah, he should be here by now.
(audience laughs)
Some fast food places they have that ketchup pump.
It's like a keg. (audience laughs)
They give you the paper shot glass.
I always like to hang around there
and try and meet the ladies.
Here I'll pump for you.
You come to this Wendy's often?
My roommate and I we've got a pony pump back at my dorm.
Here's an extra shot for your cute friend.
(audience laughs)
How many shots of ketchup do you get?
I usually get like three, but if I've had a bad day,
I'll get five. (audience laughs)
The upside down bottle of ketchup, have you seen that?
Do you think it's a little embarrassing
how long it took us to come up with the upside down bottle?
It was only like six months ago.
Some guy was like, "You know,
"we only use it like this. (audience laughs)
"Why don't we just put the cap on the bottom?"
(audience laughs)
Have people been complaining
ketchup is hard to get out of the bottle?
For like a hundred years. (audience laughs)
I'll talk to our gravity experts.
We lie to ourselves when we eat McDonald's fries.
We go, "Oh, they're so thin.
"They couldn't be fattening." (audience laughs)
You ever too many McDonald's fries?
Of course not. (audience laughs)
There's never enough of 'em.
There's always that moment
when you're eating McDonald's fries where your like,
"What happened?
"Where'd they go?" (audience laughs)
Then you start scrounging for the fry crumbs.
You're like. (audience laughs)
Oh, that's just a piece of paper from the straw.
(audience laughs)
But it was touching the fries, so.
(audience laughs)
Sometimes there's a loose fry in the bag.
You know, the bonus fry? (audience applauds)
It's like, Jesus is up in heaven, "Give him an extra fry.
"He'll pay it forward."
But Domino's is all carbs, right?
They got the breadsticks and the Cinna sticks.
Why don't we get a pizza
and as an appetizer we can have bread?
And for dessert, how about this, bread?
(audience laughs)
Maybe I'll open a nice bottle of bread.
We can rub bread on a each other.
Bleh. (audience laughs)
I think Domino's is trying to kill us.
I can't figure out those Domino's deals.
You can get one large pizza for 15.99,
or two large pizzas for nickel.
(audience laughs)
If we get them so fat they can't leave the house,
then they have to call us again.
(audience laughs)
It's called the Domino's effect.
(audience laughs)
So simple.
'Cause you can't say the words, ice cream,
in front of a four-year-old.
They hear a commitment.
"Yeah, I'll have ice cream."
Daddy was just saying the words ice cream.
"I'll have it right now.
"Chocolate." (audience laughs)
Went to a birthday party for a four-year-old.
That was awkward.
Probably because I wasn't invited.
(audience laughs)
Cake came out.
I love how we serve ice cream with cake.
You know what would be good with this sugar bread?
Some frozen sugar milk.
(audience laughs)
Let's give it to the four-year-old, see how they respond.
(audience laughs)
Oh, they're going crazy.
Definitely helps if it doesn't look like an animal.
This ham sandwich doesn't look like a pig to me.
But ribs, you know, there's no getting around ribs,
'cause they're ribs. (audience laughs)
It's amazing how casually we order.
I will have the baby back ribs,
and can you wheel it out in a stroller?
(audience laughs)
I'm gonna start with the baby chicken legs,
and an all baby meal. (audience laughs)
"Hey, buddy, I used to be a baby."
I like meat, I do.
But you know who seems seems
to be really obsessed with meat?
Are vegetarians.
For people that don't like meat,
they seem to eat a lot of vegetables that are mashed up
and shaped to look like meat.
(audience laughs)
"I find meat repulsive.
"I'll have a veggie burger with fake bacon.
"And can you serve it to me dressed like a cow?
"I don't like meat,
"I just to call me late at night and hang up."
"Let's drive by meat's house.
"Does meat ever ask about me?
"I don't care."
♪ I ain't missin' you at all ♪
♪ Missin' you ♪
(audience applauds)
Never see that the other way.
"I will have the steak, and can you make it taste like tofu?
(audience laughs)