>> Stephen: HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?
>> NOTHIN'.
>> Stephen: NOTHIN''S GOING ON?
WE'RE DOING A SHOW IS WHAT WE'RE DOING.
THESE TWO -- THESE TWO -- AND I'M VERY GRATEFUL TO THEM --
THESE TWO ARE SITTING THERE ON THEIR PHONES, PAYING NO
ATTENTION TO ME.
I CERTAINLY HOPE YOU AT HOME AREN'T ON YOUR PHONES LIKE MY
SON AND MY WIFE.
( SIGHS ) >> SOME VERY EVENTFUL THINGS
GOING ON.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S GOING ON THAT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU
WATCHING YOUR FATHER DO A TELEVISION SHOW.
>> MY FRIEND DANNY JUST SHAVED HIS HEAD ON INSTAGRAM LIVE.
>> Stephen: THAT IS BETTER THAN MY SHOW.
CAN I SEE A PHOTO?
>> DON'T HAVE A PHOTO NOW.
BUT EVENTUALLY.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT ABOUT YOUR PHONE OVER
THERE.
>> NOTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT.
>> Stephen: WELL, MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP.
IF YOU'RE GETTING 15 AND A HALF-33, IN CASE YOU'RE
WONDERING.
HI, WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW," I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN TEACH.
IT'S THE LAST DAY IN APRIL.
APRIL SHOWERS AREN'T SOMETHING I HAVE BEEN DOING MUCH IN APRIL.
MAY, I MAY START SHOWERING IN MAY.
NOT A WORD!
APRIL 30th ALSO MARKS THE END OF THE FEDERAL SOCIAL DISTANCING
GUIDELINES AND JED PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID THEY WILL
NOT BE EXTENDED FURTHER.
SO THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION "WHEN WILL CORONAVIRUS RESURGE
AGAIN?" IS: ♪ IT'S GONNA BE MAY ♪
>> STEPHEN: TRUMP WAS ASKED ABOUT THE LAPSING OF THE
GUIDELINES YESTERDAY IN THE OVAL OFFICE:
>> SO THE CURRENT GUIDELINES THEN WILL NOT BE EXTENDED AFTER
TOMORROW?
>> YEAH, I THINK A WAY OF SAYING IT IS THEY'LL BE FADING OUT.
>> Stephen: COME ON, YOU'RE THE GOVERNMENT
YOU SHOULD BE MORE SPECIFIC ABOUT WHAT THE RULES ARE.
THERE'S A REASON WHY YOU DON'T SEE SIGNS THAT SAY, "SPEED
LIMIT: NO LONGER 55."
SINCE TRUMP HAS BEEN ROYALLY SHANKING HIS CORONAVIRUS PRESS
CONFERENCES, HE'S GOT A NEW STRATEGY: INVITE INDIVIDUAL
GOVERNORS TO THE OVAL OFFICE.
TODAY, TRUMP MET WITH NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR AND NUTCRACKER THAT
WISHED TO BE A REAL BOY, PHIL MURPHY.
DURING THE MEETING, TRUMP SAID THAT HE'S SURE THAT THE ECONOMY
IS READY TO BOUNCE RIGHT BACK.
>> THERE IS TREMENDOUS PENT-UP DEMAND.
I FEEL IT.
I THINK SOMETIMES WHAT I FEEL IS BETTER THAN WHAT I THINK.
>> STEPHEN: ANYTHING HAS GOT TO BE BETTER THAN WHAT YOU THINK.
BUT THAT'S JUST HOW I FEEL.
TRUMP TALKED ABOUT THE EARLY FEARS OF EQUIPMENT SHORTAGES:
>> THERE WAS NEVER A PERSON THAT NEEDED A VENTILATOR THAT
DIDN'T GET ONE.
IN ANY STATE.
NOT ONE PERSON.
SO WE DIDN'T SAY, "HE DIDN'T SAY GET A VENTILATOR, SOMEBODY
PASSED AWAY, SOMEBODY DIDN'T MAKE IT."
NOW WE HAD A MASK PROBLEM.
NOW WE HAVE SO MANY MASKS, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THEM.
>> STEPHEN: HERE'S AN IDEA: PUT ONE ON MIKE PENCE.
>> THEN GOVERNOR MURPHY USED AN ANALOGY TRUMP REALLY LIKE THE
LIKED ABOUT HOW THE CORONAVIRUS TOK THEM BY SURPRISE
>> AS MIKE TYSON SAYS, EVERYONE'S GOT A PLAN UNTIL YOU
GET PUNCHED IN THE FACE.
>> AND WE DID.
>> STEPHEN: I'M NOT SURPRISED TRUMP RELATES TO MIKE TYSON:
THEY'RE BOTH '80S POP CULTURE ICONS WITH HORRIBLE HISTORIES
WITH WOMEN, WHO NEED NO EXCUSE TO EAT A HUMAN EAR.
(AS TRUMP) "IT IS THE BACON OF THE FACE."
"I LOVE A GOOD E. L.T. ."
TRUMP TRIED TO PUT A POSITIVE SPIN ON HOW MANY CASES OF THE
CORONAVIRUS THE U.S. HAS.
>> YOU HAVE AREAS THAT ARE REALLY AT A VERY LOW POINT.
AND REALLY HITTING-- I ALWAYS SAY, HEADING SOUTH QUICKLY.
AND THAT'S WHAT WE WANT.
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "THINGS ARE REALLY HEADING SOUTH
QUICKLY, I MEAN, THE NUMBERS ARE RAPIDLY GOING DOWN THE TUBES,
JUST CIRCLING THE DRAIN, AND THAT'S WHAT WE WANT."
ONE PUNDIT WAS QUICK TO RESPOND TO TRUMP'S HEADING SOUTH
COMMENT: >> I DO NOT THINK IT MEANS WHAT
YOU THINK IT MEANS.
>> Stephen: INCONCEIVABLE!
TRUMP DIDN'T SEEM TOO WORRIED ABOUT OPENING UP TOO QUICKLY AND
CAUSING A SECOND WAVE OF CASES.
>> WE WILL PUT OUT THE EMBERS AND WE WILL PUT OUT THE FLAMES.
THERE WILL BE POCKETS OF FIRE, AND WE'LL PUT THEM OUT.
IF YOU HAVE, I CALL THEM BURNING EMBERS, BOOM.
>> STEPHEN: OF COURSE, BECAUSE THE SOUND YOU ASSOCIATE WITH
SAFELY PUTTING OUT A FIRE IS "BOOM."
TRUMP JUST DOESN'T TALK LIKE A GUY WHO KNOWS WHAT HE'S TALKING
ABOUT.
CAN YOU IMAGINE HIM AS A DOCTOR?
(AS TRUMP) "WE'RE GONNA GO IN THERE AND
WE'RE GONNA TAKE THE LITTLE KNIFE AND COCUT, CUT, SNAP,
SNAP, AND THERE'S GONNA BE -- I CALL IT BLOOD.
BUT WE'RE GONNA SAY, 'NO BLOOD.' THEN STITCH.
THEN GO IN THE PLACE WHERE THE BLOOD WAS AND 'BOOM.'"
TRUMP ALSO ADDRESSED WHY HE THINKS CERTAIN STATES DON'T NEED
AS MUCH TESTING: >> YOU HAVE SOME GOVERNORS THAT
LOVE THE TESTS, YOU OTHERS THAT LIKE DOING IT A DIFFERENT WAY,
AN OLD-FASHIONED WAY.
>> Stephen: IS OLD-FASHIONED WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IN
MEDICAL CARE?
"I DON'T NEED THESE NEWFANGLED TESTS AND SWABS, JUST COVER ME
IN LEECHES AND BALANCE MY HUMORS."
TRUMP ALSO THINKS THAT COMING UP WITH A VACCINE IS NOT THAT BIG A
DEAL.
>> SO, THIS 100% SCENARIO YOU ARE LAYING OUT, GOING BACK TO
THE WAY IT WAS.
IS THAT BEFORE THE VACCINE OR AFTER THE VACCINE?
>> SO, A LOT OF PROGRESS IS BEING MADE ON THE VACCINE, BUT
YOU NEVER KNOW.
RIGHT?
YOU NEVER KNOW.
IF YOU DON'T HAVE A VACCINE, IF THAT VIRUS IS GONE, WE ARE LIKE
WHERE WE WERE BEFORE.
>> STEPHEN: OH, WHERE WE WERE BEFORE!
GOOD.
SO INSTEAD OF BEING IN A GLOBAL PANDEMIC, WE'LL GO BACK TO
BEING COMPLETELY UNPREPARED FOR A GLOBAL PANDEMIC.
THAT ANSWER MADE NO SENSE, AS A REPORTER POINTED OUT:
>> WITHOUT A VACCINE, SIR, WHY DO YOU THINK THE VIRUS WILL JUST
BE GONE?
>> IT'S GOING TO GO.
IT'S GOING TO LEAVE.
IT'S GONNA BE GONE.
IT IS GOING TO BE ERADICATED.
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "IT'S GOING TO GO.
IT'S GOING TO LEAVE.
IT'S GONNA SLIP OUT THE BACK, JACK.
MAKE A NEW PLAN, STAN.
IT'S GONNA GET ON THE BUS, GUS.
YOU WANT MORE?
I GOT 50 OF THESE."
HERE'S THE THING: TRUMP DOESN'T WANT EVERYTHING TO GO BACK TO
NORMAL BECAUSE WE'RE "READY."
HE WANTS EVERYTHING TO GO BACK TO NORMAL BECAUSE HE'S BORED:
>> I HAVE BEEN AT THE WHITE HOUSE FOR MANY MONTHS, AND I'D
LIKE TO GET OUT.
>> STEPHEN: MR. PRESIDENT, WE'D ALL LIKE TO GET YOU OUT OF THE
WHITE HOUSE.
THERE'S ONE ACTIVITY TRUMP ESPECIALLY MISSES: HIS RALLIES.
>> HOPEFULLY IN THE NOT TOO DISTANT FUTURE WE'LL HAVE SOME
MASSIVE RALLIES AND PEOPLE WILL BE SITTING NEXT TO EACH OTHER.
I CAN'T IMAGINE A RALLY WHERE YOU WOULD HAVE EVERY FOURTH SEAT
FULL.
EVERY SIX SEATS ARE EMPTY FOR EVERYONE THAT YOU HAVE FULL.
THAT WOULDN'T LOOK TOO GOOD.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE.
IT WOULD LOOK LIKE THIS.
BUT IT'S NOT JUST HIS OWN RALLIES HE WANTS DANGEROUSLY
FULL, IT'S ALSO EVERYWHERE ELSE: >> I HAD ONE RESTAURANT OWNER
COME UP TO ME AND SAID, "SIR I'M GOING TO BE OPENING UP, BUT,
IF I DISTANCE TOO MUCH, I HAVE 50% OF THE RESTAURANT I HAD."
AND I SAID, "YOU WILL ALSO HAVE A WORSE ATMOSPHERE."
>> STEPHEN: WOW, NICE JOB, CONSOLER-IN-CHIEF.
(AS TRUMP) "I SAID, IT WILL ALSO HAVE A
WORSE ATMOSPHERE AND MAKE LESS MONEY.
I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS, YOUR RESTAURANT IS HEADING SOUTH
QUICKLY.
AND THAT'S WHAT WE WANT."
MULTIPLE POLLS SHOW TRUMP'S TRAILING JOE BIDEN IN SWING
STATES, BUT IN AN INTERVIEW HE SAID, "I DON'T BELIEVE THE
POLLS.
I BELIEVE THE PEOPLE OF THIS COUNTRY ARE SMART.
AND I DON'T THINK THAT THEY WILL PUT A MAN IN WHO'S INCOMPETENT."
YOU'RE RIGHT, THE PEOPLE OF THIS COUNTRY WOULDN'T.
THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS FINE WITH IT.
BUT DESPITE NOT BELIEVING IN THESE POLLS, HE STILL FOUND
SOMEONE TO BLAME THEM ON: TRUMP CAMPAIGN MANAGER AND WHAT
HAPPENS WHEN YOUR LOCAL MILITIA POOLS THEIR MONEY TO BUY ONE
SUIT, BRAD PARSCALE.
ON FRIDAY, TRUMP BERATED PARSCALE FOR THE DAMAGING POLL
NUMBERS, AND AT ONE POINT EVEN THREATENED TO SUE HIM.
SUE HIM?
THAT'S NOT HOW YOU HANDLE DISAPPOINTMENT.
"I'M SORRY, SIR, WE STOPPED SERVING BREAKFAST AT 11:00."
(AS TRUMP) "WELL, YOU'LL BE HEARING FROM MY
LAWYERS FROM THE FIRM OF BUTTERWORTH, JEMIMA, AND
MCMUFFIN!" "THAT BAGEL GUY'S A TOUGH
COOKIE."
BUT THEY WERE ABLE TO HASH THINGS OUT AFTER PARSCALE
BROUGHT POLLING NUMBERS THAT WERE MORE POSITIVE FOR TRUMP,
AND THE PRESIDENT SEEMED IN A FAR BETTER MOOD.
YES, I'M SURE.
AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE A COPY OF THAT POLL.
THERE YOU GO.
TRUMP CLAIMS THIS WHOLE SPAT WITH PARSCALE IS OVERBLOWN,
TWEETING LATE LAST NIGHT "JUST TOLD THAT FAKE NEWS @CNN
IS FALSELY REPORTING THAT I WAS RECENTLY SHOUTING AT MY CAMPAIGN
MANAGER OVER MADE UP NONSENSE.
ACTUALLY, HE IS DOING A GREAT JOB, I NEVER SHOUTED AT HIM--
BEEN WITH ME FOR YEARS INCLUDING THE 2016 WIN, AND HAVE
NO INTENTION TO DO SO.
JUST FAKE NEWS!" YEAH, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
I MEAN, CAN YOU IMAGINE TRUMP ENDING A RELATIONSHIP HE'S HAD
WITH SOMEONE FOR YEARS?
EACH STATE IS TACKLING REOPENING DIFFERENTLY.
SOME ARE GOING FULL "MAD MAX."
BECAUSE RECENTLY, GEORGIA ANNOUNCED THEY'LL BE ALLOWING
TEENS TO GET THEIR LICENSE WITH JUST PARENTAL APPROVAL,
SCRAPPING DRIVER'S TESTS.
OKAY, THEY ARE GOING TO BE A BUNCH OF UNTESTED TEENAGERS
DRIVING.
SO, IF YOU'RE HEADED TO GEORGIA, STAY OFF THE ROADS, IT'S MUCH
SAFER TO TAKE THE MIDNIGHT TRAIN.
WHOO WHOO!
THE CHANGE WAS ENACTED THROUGH EXECUTIVE ORDER BY GEORGIA
GOVERNOR AND DAD WHO DID TOO MUCH COKE BEFORE THE
FATHER-DAUGHTER DANCE, BRIAN KEMP.
AND ACCORDING TO HIS RULES, TEENS WHO'VE HAD THEIR LEARNER'S
PERMIT FOR OVER A YEAR, CAN NOW SIMPLY GO ONLINE AND OBTAIN
THEIR LICENSE AFTER GETTING A PARENT OR GUARDIAN'S OKAY.
NOW, IF YOU'RE WORRIED THAT KIDS WILL JUST FORGE THEIR PARENT'S
SIGNATURES, YOU'RE SMARTER THAN THE GOVERNOR OF GEORGIA.
DRIVING SCHOOLS ARE HOPEFUL THAT THIS PLAN WILL WORK, WITH ONE
INSTRUCTOR SAYING, "I'M HOPING MOST PARENTS WON'T JUST SIGN OFF
ON THOSE 40 HOURS, I'M HOPING MOST WILL TAKE THE TIME AND
DRIVE WITH THEIR KIDS BEFORE THEY LET THEM OBTAIN THEIR
DRIVER'S LICENSE."
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT PARENTS WHO'VE BEEN TRAPPED IN THEIR
HOUSES WITH TEENAGERS FOR SEVEN WEEKS.
I'M GUESSING THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE THE TIME TO SAY, "DO YOU
KNOW HOW TO OPEN THE GARAGE?
GREAT.
THE PEDAL ON THE RIGHT IS GO.
HERE'S 20 BUCKS, AND A FAKE I.D.
GO BUY ME SOME WINE."
WE'VE GOT A SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
I'LL BE TALKING TO SENATE MY IN ORDER TO LEADER CHUCK
SCHUMER.
-- SENATE MINORITY LEADER CHUCK SCHUMER.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"