(playful music)
(loudly sighs)
- Hey.
Hey.
- Yeah, what, what?
- I need you to do the thing.
- You need me to do?
- Do the thing, yeah.
- The thing thing?
- Yeah, yeah, the tough love reality check thing.
- Whoa.
Do you wanna have a drink first?
- No, no.
I'm tired and I'm frustrated,
and my confidence is through the floor,
so just give it to me.
- Are you sure you can handle it?
- I need it.
- Okay.
- Just quick, like rip it off like a, like a bandaid.
(knuckles crack)
(heavy panting)
- He doesn't wanna be with you.
He thinks you're cute and you have great conversations,
but he doesn't wanna be with you.
He finds you attractive and he laughs at your jokes,
but he doesn't wanna be with you.
You're into a lot of the same stuff,
but he doesn't wanna be with you.
- But I- - [Woman] No.
- But he- - [Woman] It doesn't matter.
- But I can-
- Because he doesn't wanna be with you.
- Because he said-
- And not under any circumstance is he gonna
turn the corner, change, or see you in a different light.
- Well you don't know that.
- He doesn't wanna be with you.
And you need to pack up and move on
before you embarrass yourself further.
(loudly scoffs)
Oh God.
(loudly sighs)
- Holy shit, that hurt.
- Oh my God, you're telling me.
I did full Brando, I blacked out.
- Oh my God, I'm such an idiot.
- No.
- Yes, yes, I'm an idiot.
- No, you're not an idiot.
I mean when you open a bag of baby carrots you rip open
the bottom instead of using the resealable Ziploc at the top
that's made specifically for opening,
then you're an idiot, but not now.
- But it's just like, why doesn't he want me?
Like what's so bad about me?
- The thing is is it kinda doesn't have
anything to do with you.
- Well that can't be entirely true.
- See it's kinda like, you know how,
you know how I love buffalo wings?
- What?
- Buffalo wings.
- Okay, curious to see where this is going.
- So, buffalo wings are my favorite flavor of chicken wing,
but if I'm sitting with a group of friends
and somebody orders teriyaki,
I'm gonna be all up in those teriyaki.
- Okay.
- Or salt and pepper.
I could fuck up some salt and pepper right now.
- Okay.
- But I would never order teriyaki for myself.
You know it just doesn't vibe with me in the same way.
It's not the flavor that my palette is most receptive to.
You're teriyaki.
- What, so I'm not as good as buffalo?
I'm not good enough?
- No, did I say that?
No, are you even listening?
- Well it, it's been a little hard to follow.
- Some people just like buffalo, okay?
Teriyaki can't be buffalo.
But then there's some people who,
teriyakis, they fuck up teriyaki.
They like it, it's their favorite.
They go cuckoo for the tangy savory combo.
I don't know, it's a flavor thing.
- Well I can be buffalo.
- No you can't be buffalo.
- Yes I could.
- No you don't have what it takes to be buffalo.
- Well I wanna be buffalo.
- No you can't, it's not-
(loudly sighs)
You can't change what you are as much
as I can change what I like.
You're teriyaki, you're perfectly teriyaki.
You're perfect in every way.
And that's what makes you special.
- So what, people can't change?
Is that what you're saying?
- Not fundamentally they can't.
I mean maybe in like behavior and habits,
but not in the essence of who they are.
But you wouldn't wanna change for a man anyway.
That's yucky.
That's, whoopsies.
- Because I'd be losing what made me special?
- Yeah, exactly.
Well and you'd be misleading the consumer
because if I ordered a plate of buffalo wings
and they gave me teriyaki, I'd be sending that shit back.
I don't want that.
- Okay maybe let's not talk about teriyaki
with such disdain, you know, for the analogy to really work.
- Look, you're not his favorite flavor, okay?
But you're somebody's favorite flavor.
You need to find the person that loves every aspect of you.
You don't have to change, not one bit.
- Yeah.
Fuck.
Yeah.
I'm teriyaki.
- You're teriyaki.
- I am teri mother fucking yaki.
- Yeah you are.
- Yeah.
And I bet there are tons of people
whose favorite flavor is teriyaki.
- Well, it's less popular for sure.
- And I'm gonna find those people
and they are gonna love me for me.
- You bet they are.
- Yeah 'cause I'm teriyaki.
You know what?
I feel like wings right now.
I'm gonna order wings, do you want wings?
I'm getting teriyaki, you want in?
- No I'm, I don't like, I'm not a fan.
- Wait, but you just said that you-
- Yeah I know, I just, it's more for the analogy.
I just like what I like.
- Okay fine, I'll get you buffalo.
But I'm getting teriyaki.
- Can I get a side of blue cheese?
- Teriyaki.
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You know, I don't think I like teriyaki either.
(playful music)