- When a new story falls through the cracks,
Lewis Black catches it for a segment we call Back in Black.
(cheering and applauding) (upbeat music)
- The new year means new laws are going into effect
all across the country.
Think of them as America's new year's resolutions.
But unlike our personal resolutions,
they're meant to last a little longer
than the first time we pass The Cheesecake Factory.
So let's take a look at some of the new laws
debuting in 2019.
- In New Hampshire you must be at least 16 years old now
in order to get married, but that's as long
as you have parental consent.
Until now, girls could get married at 13 and boys at 14.
- Oh no, New Hampshire is raising the marriage age
from 13 to 16, won't somebody think of R Kelly?
(laughing and applauding)
But I'm glad they're raising the age!
Unbelievable.
No one is mature enough to make a long term commitment
at age 13.
I know your bar mitzvah says you're a man,
but that's just bullshit made up to get you an Xbox money.
Teenagers should not get married.
13, 16, it doesn't matter, you still can't drink!
And drinking is the only way to get through a marriage.
(laughing and applauding)
Vermont's new laws are making it rain.
- [Man] Vermont will begin paying people to move there,
up to $10 000 over two years for people employed by
out of state companies who are willing
to work in Vermont remotely from a home office
or a cooperative workspace.
- We have a demographic in this state, we need more people.
- All right, Vermont, I'm gonna tell ya the same thing
I told my aunt when I saw her OkCupid page.
Quit acting so thirsty!
Seriously, you're offering 10 grand to live in Vermont?
If a state has to pay you money to live in it,
that's a good sign I don't wanna live in that state.
What good is $10 000 in Vermont?
That place is so dull I'll have to spend
the 10 grand of cocaine just to liven things up!
(laughing and applauding)
If I wanted to go someplace cold and empty,
I could look in the mirror.
(laughing and applauding) (air whooshing)
As you all know from my Instagram,
I'm not just a booty model, I'm also a wellness junkie.
I'm always looking for the newest shortcut
to a healthier life.
Whether it's the paleo diet, Pilates,
or committing medical insurance fraud.
I may not have the body of a 35-year-old,
but I have his Blue Cross card. (laughs)
So you can imagine my excitement
when I heard of a new all natural miracle drug.
- Now to the sourcing popularity of CBD,
that extract from the cannabis plant
that doesn't get you high but is being promoted
for so many uses, from insomnia to chronic pain.
- You just feel very calm.
It's like taking a big chill pill.
- [Man] CBD oil comes from the hemp plant,
it has trace amounts of THC but usually too small
to make anyone high.
- Not enough THC to get ya high?
Challenge accepted!
This will be a lot easier than the time
I tried to get drunk on Purell.
It got rid of gingivitis in my stomach.
But yes, the new wellness rage is CBD,
marijuana's less fun cousin.
They say it has all the benefits of weed without the high.
But then what's the point?
I only smoke weed to get high!
I'm not doing it to make friends
with white guys who love reggae.
(laughing and applauding)
So the whole world is doing CBD.
But there's one tiny issue,
the B in CBD might stand for bullshit.
- [Man] There's still no conclusive scientific evidence yet
that CBD products actually have health benefits.
- Buyer beware, you know?
Know going into it that there is no evidence for it
but if you're gonna walk out feeling better
I'm not gonna say that's a terrible thing,
but again as a scientist and as a society
let's get the real evidence.
- So, we don't know if CBD works.
But we do know it makes a butt load of money.
Basically, CBD is Ivanka Trump!
(laughing)
And if you hear a CBD user who's getting angry
because I said it doesn't work, guess what,
you getting angry means it's not (beep) working!
(laughing and applauding) (air whooshing)
If you live in New York City,
you've always been forced to make a choice.
You're in a car or you're in the subway.
You can only masturbate in one. (chuckles)
But now the city wants to cut down on road traffic
and push everyone into the subway
and people aren't happy about it.
- [Reporter] This passenger is trying to get
a 30 foot steel beam onto the train.
- [Man] He about to ride the whole train with that.
- [Reporter] Fellow riders lend a hand.
- [Man] And he got help now. (laughs)
- [Reporter] What do you know, it fits.
- A commuter in New York City made a subway car
into a jungle as videos posted on Twitter, Sunday,
man drags tree after tree onto the car
for more than three minutes.
Meanwhile, people on Twitter were shocked
that he was able to pull this off.
- Look at all those trees.
It's like Central Park, but inside.
All that's missing is some guy bathing
in a fountain full of pigeon shit.
(laughing)
By the way we can all agree that he stole that beam, right?
I mean, he's not on his way to a construction job
and they're like, Tony, don't forget to bring the beams
from home tomorrow!
(laughing and applauding)
Oh!
(laughing and applauding)
(chuckles) Oh and if you're gonna miss making yourself
pretty in the car, don't worry, you can do that
on the subway too.
- [Reporter] How would you like to ride to work
next to this person?
Or this guy shaving his head?
- People clipping their nails, eating on...
Oh yeah, that's--
- Clipping their nails?
- Toenails too.
(laughing)
- [Reporter] Want proof?
- Hey, that's my lawyer!
Hey, Ben! (laughing)
(laughing and applauding)
But yes, subway riders are shaving their heads
and clipping their nails.
You know who I blame for this, Queer Eye.
They taught men how to groom themselves,
but didn't tell them where to do it.
(laughing and applauding) (air whooshing)
You know America has been blessed
with some topnotch diseases.
Swine flu, bird flu and of course, pizza rat chlamydia.
I've had 'em all!
Well good news, now we're even more blessed.
Because one of America's classic diseases
is making a comeback.
- Right now the U.S. is experiencing
its worst measles outbreak since 2014,
with 349 cases in 26 states in the past year.
- [Man] Measles is no laughing matter,
measles can kill and--
- It is exquisitely contagious.
So you can be in a room where somebody with measles
had left two hours earlier and still get the disease.
- (scoffs) Measles can survive in a room for two hours?
There's not enough hand sanitizer in the world!
You can never be too careful.
That was vodka, by the way.
I hide it in Purell bottles so I can drink it in public.
(laughing and applauding)
But yes, the measles are back,
like a New Kids on the Block reunion tour.
No one asked for it and no one's happy to see it.
(laughing)
I thought measles were dark ages crap
we successfully eliminated from the planet, like the dodo.
If you say you're a bird but you can't fly, you're a liar!
How did this happen?
Modern medicine had pretty much eradicated measles.
But it turns out science is no match
for its greatest foe, idiots.
- This month, the World Health Organization
call the Anti-Vaccine Movement and major threat
to public health.
- [Man] Hundreds rallied to preserve their right
not to vaccinate their children.
- It is highly contagious.
- Yes it is. - Perhaps one of the most
contagious diseases out there.
- Yes it is.
- [Man] Are you afraid you're putting your child at risk?
- No, I don't feel like I'm putting my child at risk,
there's nothing that's gonna change my mind on this,
on that specific vaccination.
- If you read the fine print,
I'm sure somewhere it says, you know,
there is a possible fatal outcome there. (chuckles)
Some possible fatal consequences
and that gets you a little worried.
- (mimics laughing) I love morons!
If you read the fine print,
well actually I've read the fine print of measles
and you know what the side effects include?
Dying of (beep) measles!
So where did these dummies get these dumb ideas?
The same place that wants you to believe
you're miserable aunt and closeted uncle
are actually happy, the internet.
But social media are finally starting
to get their act together.
- [Man] Facebook said, quote, "We've taken steps
"to reduce the distribution of health related
"misinformation on Facebook.
"But we know we have more to do."
- [Woman] Pinterest is blocking searches
related to vaccinations, the social media company says
it wants to curb the spread of misinformation.
Most shared images on Pinterest
relating to vaccinations advise against them.
- Who the (beep) is getting their
health information on Pinterest?
That's where you're supposed to plan weddings
and find tacky home decor.
Then again, on Pinterest, you can find tips
on how not to vaccinate your kid.
And then find the perfect headstone
for your unvaccinated kid.
(laughing and applauding)
(upbeat music)