Okay, children. Now for those of you
who are new, my name is Mr. Garrison.
AAAAAHHHHHH.
Not him!
The bitch must die.
Aaaah!
Agh! Ah!
It burns! It burns!
You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
Oh I'm through with Mr. Hat.
He's a two-timing whore.
Look, it's Kenny G himself.
Oh, well thank you.
I'm going to show you the proper way to put on a condom.
First of all, you remove the condom from its package.
Then you find which way the condom rolls out.
Put it in your mouth...
and apply.
WAAAAAAHHH!
Boy, that Enrique Inglesias
can sure gyrate his hot ass around.
I've come to ask you about the sexual abuse, Dad.
What the hell are you talking about?
I never sexually abused you.
I know! I wanna know why not!
What?!
So hey there, shitty shitty
shitty shitty boop-boo-boop-boo!
I wasn't good enough for you! Was that it, Dad?!
Well I'll tell you what, Sally Sass-a-lot
I'm gonna come up with a new mode of transporation.
Yes, good, Flora. You remembered the Filthy Sanchez.
Yes, you can give your partner the old Hot Carl, sure.
Gentlemen, I give you... It.
What the hell was that?
Left side for throttle, right side for steering.
The third flexi-grip is gentley inserted into the anus
to keep the driver in place.
Agh.
Oooooh.
Now the final flexi-grip is directly in front of the driver
so that small switches can be operated with the mouth
as such.
Ooooh!
-Nice. -Sleek.
Put the four together and we're ready to go.
You know, it's funny. You kiss just like my dad.
Say hello to Mr. Slave.
Hi, kids. Hmmm.
Ah!
I will not put up with tomfoolery in my classroom, children.
Get along little slave.
-Oh my god. -That's what our boys were talking about?
Take that slave! Take it!
Mr. Slave, position 7 please.
Now I'm gonna put the glass tube into Mr. Slave's tight ass.
Aaah!
Now Butters, could you bring over Lemmiwinks for me please?
Oh no. No no no no no.
Now what do you think is going to happen
when I introduce the element of the gerbil
to the endothermic heat of Mr. Slave's ass?
Let's see.
AAAH!
He is so courageous.
I'm very happy to get this award.
But you know what makes me even happier?
Sucking balls.
Hello everybody!
You guys, Mr. Garrison has titties.
I had a sex change operation.
My penis is now a vagina and I'm experiencing
womanhood for the first time in my life.
Well, I'm about to pee out my vagina for the first time.
Give us a hug! Girls club!
Hehehehehe! Hehehehe!
You're gay too!
I'm not gay! I'm a woman!
OOOOHHH YEAH!
Look at that, I'm peeing sitting down
like a dainty dignified little woman.
Who wants to pound my vag?
Girl power!
Oh yeah! Yeah, I'm a monkey!
Give this monkey what she wants!
Oh, Ms. Garrison!
[fart noises]
Don't ask me!
I'M A FUCKING MONKEY!
Aaagh!
[fart noises]
You guys try those new Wings tampons?
Do those work well?
LES BOS!
HOO AAH! HOO AAH!
This...is...Les Bos!
Stupid ass men! They're all the same!
I can't even stretch at a normal gym without
some guy trying to stare down my vag.
Oh yeah, dike fight!
Oh this is hot scissoring.
Oh! Scissor me timbers!
AGH!
YOU KICKED ME RIGHT IN THE PUSSY!
The sex change was a big mistake, okay.
Please! Doctor, I'm a man trapped in a woman's body.
I need a penis.
Boys, have you seen my penis?
You saw a penis?!
Hey, you're not my penis.
Ugh!
It's my penis.
What's that old saying?
If you love your penis, let it go.
YEAH! I'M BACK!
Now, I might not understand politics.
Or immigration policies...
or... the law.
Or basic ideological...concepts.
But dammit I understand there's a bunch of Canadians here
and I'm gonna do something about it!
Well there's only one immigration policy that I believe in
and that's fuck 'em all to death.
[gasps]
I'm just saying what everyone's thinking here, kids.
Sorry not sorry.
You know what I am, friends?
I'm a do-er.
Canada says we can't go into their country.
I'm going into their country!
And when I do, I am fucking every last Canadian so hard!
Alright, let's do this.
AAAAAGH!
WHERE MY COUNTRY GONE, BITCH!
Nobody talks to me like that, buddy!
I came here to do one thing!
Hey, what the--
Hey that pokes, buddy.
AH! AAAGGHH!
Oh my god, guy.
NO! NO!
[ sniffs ]
You, sir, have a pizza face
and you suck your mom's dick.
Fuck them all to death.
Let's make this country great again!
FUCK 'EM ALL TO DEATH!
And then I'm gonna take all the drug pushers in our country,
and I'm gonna fuck them--
That's why I will make sure that every terrorist on earth is
FUCKED...DEAD!
The leaders of North Korea? I'll fuck 'em all yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah! Suck that poll you dumb bitch!
I am giving you this, lady.
I AM GIVING YOU THIS!
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
I am not a good person for the White House.
I am not a good person...period.
Finally, someone who doesn't talk like a politician.
OH JEEZ!
Ooohhhh jeeeeez.
OH JEEEEEZ!
The world is in a bit of a shock. Uh...
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
YOU MANIACS!
Hey everybody,
dun-dun-da-da-da...
Guess who's here?
It's the President of the United fucking States.
-Hey! -AAAAAH!
Do I look presidential?
Huh huh, huh huh huh.
Oh jeez. DARVO, Randy.
Deny, attack, reverse, victim and offender.
You wanna see real power?
Alright, take the shot.
Are you sure you want to proceed with this?
Yeah, yeah. Bomb the shit out of them.
We have to be tough here.
Jeez, I got a little chub.
I happen to be president, bitch!
Yeah, go fuck yourself retard.
Fuck you, Rudy!
You finish cleaning up those pistachio nuts yet?
This is...this is my stank face.
It's the president!
[crowd cheers and applause]
Hey kids...
Guess who's back?
AWWWWWW!!!!!
Hand these papers out, Mr. Service.
We're on the internet every night waiting for word.
The word is get a fucking life, jackass!
Blow shit out your dickhole!
Yeah! You're alright, Garrison.
Oh jeez... thanks everybody.