Today, we look at the history of Patrick Star.
Who are you people?
To truly appreciate the Star family tree,
we need to go back in time approximately 546 million years,
during the Precambrian period.
Meet Primitive Star,
the earliest known member of the Star family.
Do note the sharp white tusks and deep blue gums
that separate him from the Patrick Star that we know today.
He's hideous.
Ow!
Primitive Star's survival was due largely in part to his tolerance for pain.
It's called jellyfishing.
Learning nothing, Primitive Star also enjoyed the act of jellyfishing.
Who's the barnacle head who invented that game anyway?
You are, Squidward!
Moving on further up the coral of life.
More than 530 million years have passed and we arrive at Patar,
the next evolution in the Star lineage.
Patar!
Often confused with Primitive Star,
Patar shares en eerily similar personality to his ancient ancestor.
[moaning]
In fact, there's nothing more Patar enjoys than eating.
This includes cloth, slime, wood,
even Mr. Krabs' ancestors.
You took my only food.
Now I'm gonna starve.
Now we travel even further up the tree another 10 million years or so
to one of the more famous members of the Star family...
Wow Patrick, I didn't know you had a famous relative.
Patrick Revere.
He rode through the streets warning Bikini Bottom of
the coming hoards of ravenous man-eating mollusks.
The mollusks are coming! The mollusks are coming!
Of course, no one actually believed him.
What be'ith the deal with ye old nutcase?
Best part about it is I don't have to accomplish anything in life.
Because my uncle already did it for me.
Next we fast forward to the dangerous land of Dead Eye Gulch.
What brings you to Dead Eye Gulch, stranger?
Strange is right.
Home to Pecos Patrick Star.
That's me!
Despite successfully learning a language,
the intelligence of the sea star had not evolved much
compared to its ancient ancestors.
Why are y'all standing in your pajamas?
Now don't tell me. Oh, I know!
You're throwing a slumber party.
- Pillow fight! - Ow!
He's a comin'!
Dead Eye's a comin'!
Dead Eye?
He had a natural enemy in Dead Eye Plankton,
the pest of the west.
Aw, again?
And a close friend in SpongeBuck Squarepants.
Hop on, buddy.
Thanks, idiot friend.
Things get a little slimy in this next era of the Star family.
Ew, we're all covered in slime.
Patrick's great-great-great grandparents are none other than
the royal Queen Mildew and King Amoeba.
Royalty to what? None other than Bikini Bottom.
What I hold in my hands is a family tree that goes back centuries.
It starts with the marriage of King Amoeba and Queen Mildew.
Then through a few inbred generations,
ends you, Sir Patrick.
The king and queen had two children.
The first, Princess Tulsa.
She married the court jester, Yorick.
A skill that surely passed on to our modern Patrick Star.
You're welcome.
The other child, a son named Prince Callous,
appears to be some kind of dolphin.
Hey oh, how about this?
It's awesome!
Perhaps Patrick did inherit some dolphin after all.
[dolphin calls]
Prince Callous married Prince Dingus.
Together they had a son, Carl.
Of interesting note is that Carl is the first and only
member of the Star family tree to not have children.
This is where his branch ends.
But I don't want it to end!
Now now, the coral tree does continue with Patrick's great uncle Cletus.
I'll never forget what my great uncle Cletus said
right before he was arrested at a freedom march.
What was that?
It's where a bunch of people go walking down the street and--
I know what a freedom march is, Patrick. I mean what did he say?
Oh, yeah.
He said, "Let not your heart walk away from you."
"Lest your mind grow legs and follow it."
Wow, your uncle sounds like a pretty smart guy, Patrick.
What happened to him after he was arrested?
I don't know. He was never heard from again.
Next, meet Patrick's grandmother Maw Tucket, daughter of Princess Tulsa.
I didn't wanna have to do this,
but I'm gonna let you in on a little family secret.
Old grandma suffered from severe toe barnacles.
Ah!
She married Billy Bob Star, a decedent of Pecos Patrick,
and thus the Star surname makes its way back into our family tree.
Maw and Billy Bob had two sons.
The first, Herbert Star.
Herb married Margie.
And together they became Patrick's parents.
Wow son, you actually recognized us this time.
And you remembered to get dressed today.
Of course, they are not to be confused with Janet and Marty,
who Patrick believed to be his parents.
Janet?
Marty?
Who are you people?
Oh that's right honey, we don't have a son.
- Oh yeah. - And this of course,
brings us to the star of the Star family, Patrick.
Just don't think about giving Patrick any nicknames.
My name's not Rick!
Going through his lineage, it's easy to see how Patrick adopted
many of the traits from his ancestors.
- Playful. - Does this look dangerous?
- Hungry. - Observe how the hungry sea star
ejects his own stomach from his body, in order to eat his meal.
- Loving. - I love you.
And of course... How does one say this?
Well maybe it is stupid, but it's also dumb.
But the coral tree does not stop at Patrick.
He has a sister, Sam Star.
Wow, I didn't know you had a sister.
Nobody does.
Although, Patrick has claimed to not have a sister.
Oh my gosh, if my sister finds out-- Oh wait, I don't have a sister.
This is coming from the very same sea star that
can't remember his own parents.
Brober!
Sis...
It's so good to see you.
Samantha is a much more aggressive sea star.
She adopted more primal characteristics from Primitive Star and Patar.
Make sister Sam mad!
Reckless as she is, Sam Star has zero tolerance for meanies.
Meanies go home!
Just make sure to avoid eye contact with her fingernails.
Fingernails, fingernails, fingernails!
But Maw and Billy Bob had two sons.
The second is quite a shocker.
Meet Sluggo Star, father to none other than Gary.
[burping]
Meow.
This reveals two very interesting twists in the Star family tree.
The first being that Patrick and Gary are actually cousins.
Gary?
I thought what we had was special!
And secondly, Sluggo was the first born son of Maw,
making Gary the true and rightful king of Bikini Bottom.
Well, would you look at that.
Gary, you're royalty.
Meow.
Gary, best known for being SpongeBob's pet snail
and a world renown poet...
Meow, meow, meow...
[sighing]
He has such a way with words.
He is also responsible for the creation of Alice Wilson,
a female made entirely out of his own slime.
[gasping]
She's beautiful.
What a marvelous mucky creation.
Alice found a loving partner in Marvin,
Bikini Bottom's very own animal control officer.
What a lovely couple.
This makes Alice Patrick's cousin once removed.
Uh...
And explains why he attended the wedding.
[cheering]
Welcome to the future!
Now we must venture deep into the future,
to the year 4017 to meet Patrick's
great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great-great-- OK, enough of that.
Meet Pat Tron.
Did somebody say 'jellyfishing'?
Hi Pat Tron.
Pat Tron fully resembles his ancestor Patrick.
The only difference being his two heads
and his ability to teleport.
Wow.
And there you have the entire Star family tree!
Join us next time as we discover the interesting ancestry in
yet another fascinating chapter of Nickelodeon's history,
on Nick Family Tree.
He's Squidward, he's Squidward, you're Squidward?
I'm Squidward!
Are there any other Squidwards I should know about?
Meow.