Hello, I’m from the Australien Government with a final message before the election
This could be our last ad, unless you re-elect us
Which would be surprising. Coz let’s face it, we really have been
the biggest pack of mendacious shitlords this nation has ever seen
But we also know you have short memories
That’s why, for a fraction of the cost of our official bullshit ads
we’ve created a final Honest Ad to remind you of all our shitfuckery since you elected us
And what an epic six years of shitfuckery it’s been
That’s right: we gave Australia many fine PMs…
Like Tony, who gave us countless suppositories of wisdom
Malcolm, who’ll always be remembered for Australia’s shitty internet
And Sco-Mo, our Coal-fondler in Chief
As well as a fine array of Ministers
Like Pyney - Minister for Fuxing Arms Deals with Terrorists
Dutto, Minister for Torturing Refugees
Minister for the Department of Home Affairs
Minister for Prosecuting Whistleblowers
Minister for Whiteboards
Minister for Sale
Minister for wtf...
And of course the Minister of Genuine Satire
We’ve been strong on the economy: by declaring war on young people
depriving them of affordable housing and education
so we could help retired boomers buy their fifth investment property
And by cutting penalty rates
terrorising vulnerable people with fake debt letters
and outsourcing our war on the poor to this mining billionaire and his cashless welfare card
Coz mining billionaries own this Government!
That’s why we used your tax dollars to help them exploit a once-in a-lifetime resource boom,
privatise the profits, and pay no tax
Instead of setting up a sovereign fund like Norway did to ensure health, education
and pensions for future generations
Whereas we’re leaving you with approximately…
Fuck all
Australia
Where 1 in 6 kids live in poverty, but we found billions for these useless pieces of shit
Where Indigenous child suicide is through the roof due to the intergenerational effects of colonisation
so we went and spent 50 mill on another fucking Captain Cook statue
Where we slash funding for schools and hospitals
but found half a billion for a war memorial upgrade nobody asked for
Where we cut-off support for single parents
and use your taxes to pay for our own political ad campaigns
Where we let banks write the terms of royal commissions into themselves
And let companies pay fuck-all taxes
But we kept in touch with the common man by re-introducing knighthoods
And choofing cigars after slashing your benefits
We took corruption very seriously
Which is why we’re so damn good at it
We’ve given your money to our mates here, here, here, and here
The Murray Darling basin still has small amounts of water left, and if re-elected
we’ll return some of it to the land’s Traditional Owners
the cotton industry
And Barney will buy back the rest with an $80 million dollar cheque to some offshore tax haven
Lucky we repeatedly voted against a Federal ICAC
But our crowning achievement has been our climate policy
[snort] just kidding we never had one.
We cut every emission-reduction scheme we could to sell off your children’s future
and went out of our way to sabotage renewables
We bleached the Reef...
Coz “it’s okay to be white”
Tried to count burning forests as a renewable resource
Abolished the position of Science Minister…
Coz who needs science when you’ve got the Bible?
And as a parting fuck-you to all living things
we rushed through the approval for this mega coal mine and this massive tumour, right on the eve of the election
Throughout all this, we’ve bullshited you to unimaginable heights
We told you the debt’s decreasing when it’s increasing
Told you emissions are going down when they’re going up
Told you renewables are causing blackouts
Told you electric cars would steal your utes
Told you refugees would steal your jobs… and your welfare
We gave you clusterfucks like our Census fail... My HealthRecord...
And the marriage equality PLEBBYSHITE!
We introduced laws to break encryption so we could spy on everyone
And then exempted ourselves from those laws
Cool and normal
And to top it all of, we made it a crime to impersonate us. So don’t do it
To help shovel all that bullshit into your head we changed media ownership laws
to enable monopolies like this and mergers like this to dominate your media
We defunded the ABC and stacked its Board
and deprived you of alternatives by sabotaging the NBN
squandering the most vital infrastructure upgrade of the century
And on that note, we bid you fuck-you Australia
It has been an honour to rig your rules
Defund your schools
Trash your reputation
Sell your kids’ future
And laugh as your reefs die, forests burn, and rivers dry
But don’t worry, come what may, Honest Government Ads will still be here after the election
Coz we’re confident that a Labor Government - whilst infintely less shit than us
will still continue to serve the coal, gas and gambling lobbies that own both major parties
And continue to bring you honest ads to keep you informed of their shitfuckery
Australien Government
Authorised by the Department of Genuine Satire