WELCOME, ONE AND ALL IN HERE OUT THERE TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TIMES.
WHY?
I DUNNO.
THAT'S HOW CONFUSING THEY ARE.
IF THIS PANDEMIC WERE A MOVIE, IT WOULD BE "TENET."
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO UNDERSTAND, AND I JUST WISH IT WOULD END,
WHICH TURNS OUT, IS THE BEGINNING!
( LAUGHTER )
CONFUSION.
WHAT ARE WE LOOKING AT?
FOR ABOUT 22 MONTHS, PUBLIC HEALTH OFFICIALS HAVE
CONSISTENTLY TOLD US TO DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO AVOID
GETTING COVID.
BUT IN THE LAST SEVERAL DAYS, IF YOU'VE NOTICED, THE MESSAGE
HAS SHIFTED SUBTLY.
THEY'RE TRYING TO MAKE US GET USED TO ALL THIS.
FOR INSTANCE, YESTERDAY, DR. ANTHONY FAUCI ADDRESSED THE
CURRENT SPIKE AND SAID, "OMICRON WILL INFECT JUST ABOUT
EVERYBODY."
DO YOU HEAR THAT?
BEING ATTACKED FOR TWO YEARS HAS CLEARLY BROKEN DR. FAUCI:
"RIP OFF YOUR MASK!
GO TO HOT YOGA!
ON THE WAY HOME, TONGUE A HOBO!
I DON'T GIVE A VACCINATED CRAP.
WE'RE ALL DOOMED.
YOU CAN ALL TAKE A RAPID TEST AND STICK IT WHERE THE SUN DON'T
SHINE.
IT'S ACTUALLY MORE ACCURATE THAT WAY."
BUT THERE IS A SILVER LINING.
ACCORDING TO DR. FAUCI, THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN VACCINATED WILL
"VERY LIKELY, WITH SOME EXCEPTIONS, DO REASONABLY WELL."
OKAY, THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS I DON'T WANT TO EQUIVOCATE ON.
MY LIFE IS ONE OF THEM.
YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR A SKYDIVING INSTRUCTOR SAY, "JUMP
FROM THE PLANE.
YOU WILL VERY LIKELY, WITH SOME EXCEPTIONS, DO REASONABLY WELL."
BUT VACCINES AND BOOSTERS WORK, BECAUSE FAUCI ALSO SAID THAT
THOSE UNVACCINATED ARE 10 TIMES LIKELIER TO BE INFECTED AND 20
TIMES LIKELIER TO DIE.
THEY'RE ALSO 50 TIMES LIKELIER TO START A FIGHT WITH A KROGER
EMPLOYEE BECAUSE THE MEXICAN FOOD SECTION IS IN SPANISH.
( LAUGHTER )
GONNA GET IT, FAUCI MAY NOT BE EXAGGERATING.
THE C.E.O. OF UNITED AIRLINES SAID THAT "4% OF ITS U.S.
EMPLOYEES HAVE TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVID-19," AND "IN ONE DAY
ALONE AT NEWARK, NEARLY ONE-THIRD OF THEIR WORKFORCE
CALLED OUT SICK."
ALTHOUGH, THAT MIGHT NOT BE ENTIRELY COVID RELATED.
AT LEAST SOME MIGHT BE SUFFERING FROM THE PREEXISTING CONDITION
OF NOT WANTING TO GO TO NEW YORK.
( APPLAUSE )
ACCORDING TO THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION, IN THE NEXT SIX TO
EIGHT WEEKS, HALF OF THE POPULATION IN WESTERN EUROPE
WILL BE INFECTED WITH COVID.
AND BASED ON THE LAST TIME SOMETHING SPREAD THIS
AGGRESSIVELY THROUGH WESTERN EUROPE, I'M GONNA GO AHEAD AND
SAY FRANCE HAS ALREADY SURRENDERED.
( LAUGHTER )
THE HUGE SURGE IN COVID CASES IN WORKERS, COMBINED WITH WINTER
WEATHER, HAS EMPTIED GROCERY STORE SHELVES.
I WENT GROCERY SHOPPING THIS WEEKEND TO PICK UP A FEW THINGS,
MADE A BOLOGNESE, AND I GOT OVER TO THE MEAT DEPARTMENT, AND I
WAS SURPRISED THAT THEY WERE OUT ONE ITEM, AND IT WAS MEAT.
RIGHT NOW, THERE ARE SHORTAGES IN A LOT OF THINGS, FROM CREAM
CHEESE TO PAPER TOWELS, CHILDREN'S JUICE BOXES, AND CAT
FOOD.
AND WE DO NOT WANT TO RUN OUT OF CAT FOOD BECAUSE IF WE DO ALL
THEY'LL HAVE LEFT TO EAT...
IS MAN.
THEY'VE BEEN WAITING.
OH, THEY'VE BEEN WAITING.
THIS SHORTAGE IS HITTING ITEMS IN EVERY DEPARTMENT, INCLUDING
BIRDS EYE FROZEN VEGETABLES AND SLIM JIM MEAT SNACKS.
NOT AMERICA'S MEAT SNACKS!
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SNAP INTO, a CARROT?
THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A TUBE FULL OF GREASY HAIR.
NOW NATURALLY--
( APPLAUSE )
THAT HIT HOME.
I LOVE-- I LOVE-- >> Jon: LIKE THE SLIM JIMS?
>> Stephen: NATURALLY, THIS IS CAUSING PRICES TO GO UP.
ACCORDING TO THE LATEST NUMBERS, INFLATION SOARED 7% IN THE PAST
YEAR, THE MOST SINCE 1982.
AND REMEMBER, BACK IN '82, THE PRICE OF AN AIRLINE TICKET WAS
SO HIGH, AMERICANS WERE FORCED TO TRAVEL VIA ALIEN-POWERED SKY
BIKE.
( LAUGHTER )
SUPPLY PROBLEMS, USED CAR PRICES ARE UP MORE THAN 37%.
SO THE USED CAR FOLKS ARE GETTING RICH.
IN FACT, I SAW ONE OF THOSE INFLATABLE FLOPPY GUYS DRIVING A
TESLA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
LUXURY CARS ARE ALSO DOING WELL.
ROLLS-ROYCE SET AN ALL-TIME SALES RECORD IN 2021 FOR A VERY
TROUBLING REASON ACCORDING TO THE COMPANY'S C.E.O., TORSTEN
MULLER-OTVOS-- WHOSE NAME, OBVIOUSLY, IS AN ANAGRAM FOR
"TORMENTOR LOVES SLUT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
DON'T KNOW WHY.
I DON'T KNOW WHY IT IS, BUT IT IS.
THAT'S TRUE.
OTVOS TOLD THE "FINANCIAL TIMES," "QUITE A LOT OF PEOPLE
WITNESSED PEOPLE IN THEIR COMMUNITY DYING FROM COVID.
THAT MAKES THEM THINK LIFE CAN BE SHORT, AND YOU'D BETTER LIVE
NOW RATHER THAN POSTPONE IT TO A LATER DATE."
IT'S ALL SUMMED UP IN THEIR SLOGAN:
"LIFE IS TOO SHORT NOT TO LOOK LIKE A HUGE DOUCHE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I'M HAPPY-- GOTTA ACT.
GOTTA ACT NOW.
THINK ABOUT IT.
I'M HAPPY TO SAY THERE COULD BE HOPE ON THE HORIZON.
EXPERTS THINK OMICRON MAY BE HEADED FOR A RAPID DROP IN
BRITAIN AND THE UNITED STATES.
YES, THE WORST OF IT COULD BE OVER BY MARCH, AND BY THE
SUMMER, OMICRON WILL BE SO OUT OF THE HEADLINES, ITS PUBLICIST
WILL BOOK IT ON "DANCING WITH THE STARS."
( LAUGHTER )
UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON, THE TRUE DAILY CASE NUMBER HAS
ALREADY PEAKED, HITTING SIX MILLION ON JANUARY 6.
JANUARY 6?!
THAT'S A STRANGE COINCIDENCE.
CAN WE SEE OMICRON UNDER A MICROSCOPE?
AH-HA!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MORE PROMISING NEWS: ACCORDING TO A RECENT STUDY, COVID LOSES
50% OF ITS ABILITY TO INFECT AFTER 10 SECONDS IN OFFICE AIR.
I'M NOT SURPRISED.
A LOT OF PEOPLE LOSE THEIR WILL TO REPRODUCE WHEN THEY'RE
IN A DEAD-END OFFICE JOB.
COVID SHOULD TRY BUYING A FUN MUG, OR MAYBE A YOGA BALL CHAIR.
WE HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS FROM A SOURCE NOT KNOWN FOR IT:
FLORIDA.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
AND DAD HAVING WAY TOO MUCH FUN AT THE NEWS MUSEUM--
RON DeESANTIS.
EARLIER THIS WEEK, WE LEARNED THAT GOVERNOR DeSANTIS ALLOWED
UP TO A MILLION OF FLORIDA'S COVID TESTS EXPIRE IN A
WAREHOUSE.
NOTHING GOOD EVER HAPPENS IN A FLORIDA WAREHOUSE, UNLESS YOU
PLACED YOUR BETS ON THE RIGHT COKED-UP SNAPPING TURTLE.
LUCKILY, THE FEDS STEPPED IN TO SAVE THE DAY, BECAUSE
YESTERDAY, THE F.D.A. ANNOUNCED THEY'VE EXTENDED THE SHELF LIFE
FOR THE EXPIRED TEST KITS.
THIS IS GREAT-- YEAH, SURE, GIVE IT UP FOR EXPIRED TEST KITS.
( APPLAUSE )
FOR FOLKS DOWN IN FLORIDA WHO NEED TESTS.
BUT IT'S EVEN BETTER FOR ME, BECAUSE THE F.D.A. IS FINALLY
CONFIRMING WHAT I'VE KNOWN FOR YEARS: EXPIRATION DATES ARE A
MYTH, A MERE SUGGESTION.
IF THEY WEREN'T, WHY WOULD I STILL HAVE THIS ACTUAL CAN OF
SAUSAGE THAT I ACTUALLY KEEP IN MY ACTUAL OFFICE THAT IS
ACTUALLY FROM THE 1970s?
( LAUGHTER )
SAUSAGE, YOU MAY BE?
I WAS A YOUNG ACTOR IN CHICAGO, YOUNG AND HUNGRY.
SO MY LOVING MOTHER SENT ME A CARE PACKAGE WITH A BUNCH OF
RAMEN NOODLES, AND FOR SOME REASON, AT THE LAST MINUTE,
THREW IN THIS CAN OF SAUSAGE THAT HAD ALREADY BEEN IN HER
I REMEMBER THIS CAN AS A CHILD, MEANING, THE CHURCH FOOD DRIVE
SAID, "NO, THANK YOU."
AND I HAVE KEPT THIS CAN OF SAUSAGE EVER SINCE-- IT RATTLES
A LITTLE.
AND 35 YEARS LATER, THE INGREDIENTS SOUND DELICIOUS:
PORK STOMACHS, BEEF LIPS, COOKED BEEF FAT TISSUE SOLIDS, CEREAL,
WATER, BEEF.
( LAUGHTER )
FLAVORING-- AS IF SALT ISN'T FLAVORING ENOUGH-- SODIUM
NITRITE.
SO THANKS TO THE F.D.A.S NEW RULING, I COULD OPEN THIS AND
AND ENJOY THEM, JUST LIKE THE DAY THEY WERE CANNED.
BUT I WON'T, BECAUSE THE CAN ON THE LABEL, COMMANDS ME TO,
"SERVE AS ILLUSTRATED."
NOT SERVING SUGGESTION, "AS ILLUSTRATED."
AND, UNFORTUNATELY, I LEFT MY CANOF FRIED EGGS AT HOME.
SO TO ANYONE WATCHING-- AND ESPECIALLY MY WIFE, EVIE, WHO
WOULD NOT LET ME KEEP THIS CAN OF SAUSAGES AT HOME ANYMORE--
THAT'S WHY IT'S AT MY OFFICE.
THESE ARE STILL GOOD.
AND THAT'S NOT ME SAYING IT.
IT'S THE FOOD "AND" DRUG ADMINISTRATION.
AND THESE SAUSAGES ARE DEFINITELY FOOD "OR" DRUGS--
AT THIS POINT, I'M GOING TO GUESS BOTOX.
THANKS, MOM.
SPEAKING OF DRUGS, A NEW STUDY HAS FOUND--
( APPLAUSE )
WOULD LIKE TO THINK THAT WHEN MY MOTHER PACKED THAT CARDBOARD BOX
AND PUT THAT CAN IN THERE SHE SAID, "THIS WILL BE A GOOD JOKE
35 YEARS FROM NOW.
HE'LL USE THIS.
THE.
♪ ♪ ♪ A NEW STUDY HAS FOUND THAT
CANNABIS COMPOUNDS STOPPED INFECTION BY THE COVID-19 VIRUS.
GREAT NEWS FOR ALL THE TEENAGERS WHOSE PARENTS FIND WEED IN THEIR
ROOM: "OH, MOM, I SEE YOU FOUND THE
COVID-STOPPING COMPOUNDS THAT I HID IN MY SOCK DRAWER.
THOSE AREN'T MINE.
NO, NO.
THOSE AREN'T MINE.
I'M JUST HOLDING THEM FOR MY FRIEND, TONY FAUCI."
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS: APPARENTLY, A COMPOUND FOUND IN CANNABIS
PREVENTS THE VIRUS THAT CAUSES COVID FROM PENETRATING HEALTHY
HUMAN CELLS.
IN OTHER WORDS, THE POT ENTERS THE BODY AND ASKS COVID, "ARE
YOU A CELL?
YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IF YOU'RE A CELL."
( LAUGHTER )
THE SCIENCE HERE, LET ME REMIND YOU, THIS STUDY HAS BEEN
REVIEWED BY THE C.D.C.'S STONER NEPHEW:
"THE T.H.C."
THAT GIRL IS CLAPPING A LITTLE TOO HARD RIGHT THERE.
NOW, TECHNICALLY, THESE ARE COMPOUNDS THAT HAVE TO BE
EXTRACTED FROM THE PLANT AND NOT SMOKED.
BUT THERE'S ANECDOTAL SUPPORT FOR THE COVID-FIGHTING
PROPERTIES OF WEED ITSELF, BECAUSE AS OF TODAY-- AND THIS
IS TRUE-- THREE PEOPLE WHO'VE YET TO GET COVID ARE
SETH ROGEN, WILLIE NELSON, AND SNOOP DOGG.
THAT'S WHY SNOOP'S TEAMING UP AGAIN WITH TRUSTED
EPIDEMIOLOGIST DR. DRE FOR THEIR NEW ALBUM, "THE OMICHRONIC."
( LAUGHTER )
TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS CAITRIÍONA BALFE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, A BUSINESS GETS THE "COLBERT
SMALL-BIZ BUMP" FOR THE SECOND TIME!
THE DOUBLE BUMP!
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪