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Now did anybody hear this rumor?
Because right before the election wound down,
there was a rumor-- I think Fox News picked it up--
that there was auditions for Trump TV.
I heard the rumor, yeah.
There's some articles on the Internet.
Yeah.
No, no, and Fox News picked it up.
There was a real audition.
Right.
For a conservative network saying
we're looking for energetic conservative people.
And people actually thought, wait a minute,
this has to be for Trump TV.
Well anyway, I can tell you definitively that it was
a hoax, because we put it out.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
We wanted to see what fucking people would be willing to do.
Because let's face it, what you guys do,
sitting around and wasting everybody's time,
it pays pretty well.
Not tonight, but generally it pays pretty well.
So let's take a look right now at our auditions
right here in the studio for Trump TV.
We sent out a casting call for talent
to audition for an exciting new conservative television
network.
Before long, every media outlet from Fox News
to the Washington Post assumed what we had hoped--
Is Trump planning a TV network of his own?
A casting call is being held the night before the election
for an as yet unnamed news network,
perhaps to be called Trump TV.
Here's how they went.
Hi, how are you.
-Good, how are you? -Good.
And tell me your name again?
-Kurt [INAUDIBLE]. -Kurt.
Yes.
Thank you so much.
Tell us a little bit about yourself.
I live in northern New Jersey.
Also have a degree in political science.
Graduated summa cum laude, which I'm very proud of.
And you know, obviously you're a conservative.
I am a conservative.
I am a registered Republican.
Did you get the script?
Yes, I did.
It's right here.
Yeah, so we need you to remember
that the key is subtlety.
You know, I'm here with my co-casting director, Richard.
Richard's worked on the West End in England.
He's very experienced.
And Roger's back there, but don't worry about Roger.
He doesn't bite.
OK, why don't we start with--
Mr. Ailes.
All right, OK, let's not go crazy.
Sorry, Mr. Ailes.
All right, let's go.
Whenever you're ready.
Take your own cue.
And welcome back.
Tonight on "Straight Talk," growing pains.
Social change used to take place over generations.
But thanks to aggressive social justice warriors,
it now happens overnight.
So let's be patient with those of us who need time to come
to terms with this new normal.
Let's consider adopting a policy that all transgenders,
when out in public, should be forced to wear a bell.
It's a humane intermediate step until all of us
are fully adjusted.
And aren't we entitled to that.
Yes, hello.
Thank you for coming.
This is Joey.
Yes.
Yes, OK.
Very good.
Thank you for coming.
Trump supporter from the beginning?
About two months before he announced,
I basically was fighting with every Republican
that he has to be the nominee, and that he's
definitely gonna run.
What was it that you saw that they didn't?
I saw somebody that's not a crook
like all the rest of them.
Damn straight.
OK, so we have a number of great scripts for you.
These are all approved editorials
approved by Mr. Trump himself.
And please remember, keep your eyes open.
Thank you.
That's good.
Richard is my co-casting director here.
OK.
I'm gonna count you down.
Five, four, three, two, one.
The fact is, many of us are still uncomfortable with gays
in the military.
Now, it's far too late to undo it.
But because we all know gay sex is more
dangerous than regular sex, perhaps it should be supervised
by a commanding officer.
We need to protect our servicemen.
As for the Amy Schumers and Lena Dunhams
who seek to champion every deviant act
and shout vagina to the heavens, let's take a step back.
I say don't talk about vaginas unless one is pulsating
right in front of your face.
That's "Straight Talk" for tonight.
Don't forget, no show tomorrow due to Christmas.
[LAUGHTER]
Excellent.
I say, I say don't talk about vaginas unless one
is pulsating in your face.
That's "Straight Talk" for tonight.
How would you feel about cold reading?
The reason we want to cold read is because, you know, the news
cycle changes minute to minute.
Right.
And sometimes your opinions are going to have to be given
to you at the last minute.
That's fine.
This one's about this character Amy Adams, this actress
who bashed Mr. Trump recently.
So Mr. Trump really wants to-- you know.w
Don't blame him.
OK.
Whenever you're ready.
Take your own cue.
Tonight on "Straight Talk," big mouths.
Over the weekend, actress Amy Adams
was asked for her take on this year's
contentious presidential election.
She said she was, quote, surprised
at the tone of Donald Trump's mission
to make America great again.
We all know Mr. Trump is above petty verbal snipes,
so allow me to remind voters that no citizen
boasts less credibility than talentless has-been Amy Adams.
According to reliable sources, syphilis, also known
as the cock whore's lament, has long
made her brain unable to memorize lines
without the aid of drugs used almost
exclusively to snap large mammals out of severe comas.
In an predictable world, the only thing certain
is that Amy Adams's funeral will only
be attended by a trio of vagrants
eagerly waiting for a fresh mound to defecate on.
That's "Straight Talk" for tonight.
A special goodnight to the young ladies
of the Sunny Hill Retirement Community.
Thank you for your cookies.
[LAUGHTER]
It's like you wrote that one.
Thank you.
You familiar with Amy Adams?
Not really, no.
[LAUGHTER]
You're not afraid of dressing it up with a little rhetoric
the way Mr. Trump does.
No.
You know what, I mean, sometimes theatrics is what you
need to drive your point home. -Thank you.
Yes.
That's what we're hoping for here.
We were also wondering if you are a frequent viewer
of Japanese manga.
[LAUGHTER]
Me either.
He's trying to lighten the mood.
I get it.
All right.
We're just casting directors.
What are you gonna do.
Fucking cut it out.
OK, so this is definitely the tone we're looking for.
Give the shot.
And welcome back.
Tonight on "Straight Talk," censorship.
Over the weekend, Donald Trump's staff sent a press release
to the numerous members of the mainstream liberal media,
and somehow the details never made it to the air.
What a surprise.
It raises the question, why is the media so
reluctant to report that Guinness recently
recognized Donald Trump for having
the largest penis in the world?
Apparently, it's liberal policy to never--
He's reading it.
He's really reading it.
--[INAUDIBLE] report anything good,
like his business success, his devotion to his children,
and his awe-inspiring air conditioning
duct-sized phallus.
Barack Obama sneezes, and MSNBC goes to breaking news coverage.
Meanwhile, you don't hear a peep about
a presidential candidate's hog bursting through another pair
of double-stitched pants, where that entire bus
full of tourists mistook his member
for a bald man in a skin suit passed out on the sidewalk.
Yep.
That's the America we're living in,
a country whose journalists refuse to report that, even
while flaccid, Donald Trump's massive johnson
would clog the Holland Tunnel.
Well, that's "Straight Talk" for tonight.
If you're looking for a holiday gift,
consider a donation to the Boys and Girls Club of New York.
Every dollar helps.
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