You might like the idea of getting caught in the rain,
but maybe skip that piña colada. From tropical tiki favorites to kitchen sink monstrosities,
here’s what to avoid at the bar when you’re on a budget.
Popular for its fruity, easy-to-drink taste,
the Sex on the Beach is a weird holdover from the late '80s and '90s.
"The Sex on the Beach… with schnapps made from peach!"
First created in Florida in the Reagan era, this sweet, tart, bright pink drink typically
contains vodka, peach schnapps, orange juice, and cranberry juice. Like many fads,
it caught on because of its playful and tropical beachy vibe and has never truly gone away since.
Yet while everybody knows about a Sex on the Beach, few serious cocktail aficionados
appreciate the drink or respect it at all. Even when it's sold for bargain basement
prices as a special at a bar, it still generally turns out pretty terrible, says Rob Harrah,
an instructor and course specialist for the online mixology school A Bar Above. He explains:
"This drink is always rushed by bartenders,
and they typically aren't measuring out any of the ingredients. [...] It's almost always overly
juicy or overly boozy. Most bartenders assume that if you're ordering a Sex on the Beach,
you may not know how to drink — so why would they bother with caring how it comes out."
In general, Harrah says, this is one beach you may want to avoid.
The origins of the Long Island Iced Tea are debatable. Some say it was a
Prohibition-era concoction dreamed up to help folks get drunk quickly when liquor
was banned. Others claim the mad scientist mixture originated in a 1970s bartending
competition. But there are two things almost everyone who has tried the drink can agree on:
It's gonna give you a hangover. And it's never actually as good as you hope it's going to be.
The Long Island Iced tea is actually a major misnomer — it doesn't contain tea at all. Instead,
the drink contains a potent mixture of vodka, gin, rum, tequila, triple sec,
plus a splash of cola to give it its signature color. Charles Oat,
owner and master trainer at the Connecticut School of Bartending, says:
"One day someone got the smart idea to try and combine all the sour drinks,
and it tasted terrible. You can add Coca Cola to hide that nastiness, but it's generally terrible."
Harrah agrees, saying:
"It is by design completely off-balance and super boozy. You don't order this to enjoy
it. You order it to get drunk. And bartenders know that so they don't even bother trying
to make it taste good. They just want to see your face when you drink it."
"Oh, yes. I love Long Island Iced Teas."
"Excellent."
Famous for its summer vacation and beach resort vibe,
Blue Hawaiians are a favorite among many cocktail enthusiasts around the world,
and what's not to love? The drink combines exotic rums; fresh, crisp pineapple juice;
decadent coconut cream; plus blue curaçao for that distinct flavor and ocean blue color.
Sounds delicious, right? So what's the problem?
Unfortunately, unless you're ordering the drink from a tropical bar right on the beach,
you probably aren't going to get a great-tasting cocktail made with high-quality ingredients.
Instead, our experts say, your glass is likely to be filled with a bunch of cheap imposter flavors,
many of which sit around behind a bar for months because they just
aren't used frequently enough to be replaced very often. Harrah says:
"The Blue Hawaiian is one of those cocktails that dumbs down the Tiki cocktail scene in my
opinion. It gets the unfortunate combination of cheap artificial ingredients, questionable
spirit combinations, and bartenders rushing to get it away from their bar."
Oat agrees, saying there's nothing inherently wrong with Blue Hawaiians.
They just tend to be made really badly in a lot of bars.
Believed to be the creation of a 1990s-era Los Angeles bartender,
the Appletini became a drink of choice — for a minute at least — for the Hollywood A-List.
"An Appletini? Cute."
The drink typically contains vodka, apple schnapps, plus a generous splash of sweet
and sour mix. Most variations also include some form of fruit juice
such as apple juice or lemon juice to add flavor and complexity. Oat warns:
"Appletinis and other cocktails containing fruit juice can be a bad idea in a bar that
doesn't sell a lot of that kind of drink. The juices can get mixed in the bartending
gun and they may have been left sitting in the basement for who knows how long?"
Harrah agrees, saying that in most bars — and especially
bars where they are sold cheaply — Appletinis are a mistake. He says:
"First, this cocktail is not an actual martini. [...] This cocktail is almost
always one of two things, either overly sweet or overly sour. I
have seen bartenders try to rework this cocktail with some success,
but those success stories are a very far departure from the original uber-sweet recipe."
A drink for novices, the Fuzzy Navel is a classic cocktail beloved for its sweet and fruity taste.
Created as a variation of the Screwdriver, with peach-flavored schnapps swapped in place of vodka,
this O.J.-infused drink screams summer and can be incredibly refreshing,
especially when served over ice in a tall glass and garnished with a slice of peach or a cherry.
The problem with the Fuzzy Navel, however — especially when made and sold cheaply — is that
it's just too simple, and bartenders rarely work very hard to make it taste its best. Harrah warns:
"Most two-part cocktails like this are never measured out,
so you never know if you're getting a super boozy or super juicy cocktail."
And once again, Oat agrees. He says:
"A bartender that doesn't care will just pour a bunch of orange
juice and schnapps into a glass, shake it up, and hand it to you."
It might be okay, but more often than not, it won't be a drink you are happy with, he says.
No drink says "I'm looking to stay out all night and party" more than
the ever-popular Jägerbomb. This potent, high-energy favorite for young adults
around the world tends to be cheap. And it also tends to taste incredibly bad.
Believed to have been dreamed up by a bartender in Germany in the early 2000s,
the cocktail pairs classic Jägermeister with common energy drinks. To make it,
a bartender just has to drop a shot of Jäger into a partially-filled glass containing
an energy drink, and voilà ... you've got an instant high-voltage, caffeine-fueled cocktail.
Sadly, Harrah says, no bartender actually cares how it comes together. And because of the way
it's made, the Jägerbomb is a hopelessly bad cocktail, regardless of its price. He says:
"There is nothing fixable about this cocktail because it's not a cocktail, it's a gimmick.
People should just stay away from cocktails made with energy drinks in the first place."
Aside from the taste, it's also bad for your body. Harrah adds:
"There is no hangover worse than the one you get from drink combinations like this,
and yes you will be hungover drinking these."
"Some of us maybe had seven too many Jägerbombs last night."
"Just one too many. The other six were a perfection."
Tropical cocktails tend to be among the biggest losers in bars, made with poor quality, artificial
tasting ingredients or blended up using old juices or cheap mixers the bars are anxious to be rid of.
And nowhere does this abuse tend to happen more than with the incredible piña colada.
In the right hands, the piña colada can be a delight, combining the best island
flavors. You've got crisp sweet rum, indulgent coconut cream, and tart fresh
pineapple juice, all blended together into one super-creamy, frothy, and delicious libation.
"If you like piña coladas…"
But according to Oat, because of its strong overpowering fruit flavor,
piña coladas can be a great place for bars to use up excess cheap house spirits they
may have on hand instead of opting for higher quality, better-tasting alcohol.
Harrah says that a bad piña colada typically happens when a bartender is
just throwing ingredients into a blender. He adds:
"When done right, [the piña colada] is an amazing cocktail. [...] However, it
has been so badly bastardized through the years."
A popular after-dinner cocktail, the Mudslide was inspired by chocolate cakes and ice cream.
The drink gets its name from its rich, thick "mud-like" texture and typically contains vodka,
coffee liqueur, and Irish cream. Those ingredients are paired with ice and chocolate
syrup and everything is then blended together until it reaches a milkshake-like consistency.
Sounds great, right? Well, according to Oat,
drinks with dairy can be questionable, depending on how often a bar sells them:
"Watch your bartender's face when you order. If you see them thinking 'where
the hell's the milk' or 'do we have any cream,' then avoid the drinks."
Harrah has his own reasons for being wary of cheap Mudslides. He warns:
"There are so many things that can go wrong here. It can congeal;
it can separate and look horrifying. Again, if it's made with low-quality
ingredients that are just thrown together, the cocktail won't be good!"
Known for its bright and colorful appearance, the Tequila Sunrise was created in Mexico
in the 1930s and was inspired by the region's colorful dawns. In no time,
it was a favorite for tourists and locals alike.
As cocktails go, it's a fairly simple one: tequila, orange juice, and grenadine syrup,
poured in a specific order to create just the right distinctive red and orange sunrise hues.
With its sweet and tangy flavors, the Tequila Sunrise is the ideal
refreshment on a hot day. But it's also the kind of cocktail that can be ruined
when sold cheaply by uncaring bartenders looking to churn through their orders
quickly. Oats warns of the potential problems with the grenadine, saying:
"It can be incredibly sweet and overpower your drink. And there's
also the question of 'how long has it been there?'"
Some bars don't go through grenadine that quickly, so it's one of those ingredients
that can sit around behind the bar for months… or years. And, according to Harrah,
the Tequila Sunrise is another cocktail that tends to be "thrown together":
"It's also made with cheap ingredients most of the
time. Combos like this [...] almost always turn into something you regret ordering."
This classic cocktail was created in the early 20th century and inspired by the flavors of
classic desserts, such as mint chocolate chip ice cream. The grasshopper gets its name from
its bright green insect-like color. Although there are a number of regional variations, the drink is
typically made with crème de menthe, crème de cacao, and heavy cream. All three ingredients
are shaken together with ice and then strained into a glass and garnished with a sprig of mint.
A sweet and indulgent cocktail, the grasshopper has a number of factors going against it,
especially if you order a cheap version at your local bar of choice. For starters,
crème de menthe and crème de cacao are not overly popular spirits, so if a bar carries them at all,
they tend to be fairly old. Because they have such strong flavors, both
also tend to be overly sweet and artificially flavored, leaving them overpowering at best.
Finally, since the drink also contains heavy cream, there's always the potential the bar
won't have it or it too will be old and on the verge of spoiling. According to Harrah:
"The grasshopper is another one of those cocktails that
is going to be thrown together with cheap ingredients and little care."
But the drink does have potential. The trick, he says, is to order it at the right bar.
With its vibrant color, bold peach and orange flavor, and deep Southern roots,
the Alabama Slammer is in many ways the South's
answer to all those fruity rum-based drinks so popular in the Caribbean.
Created in the U.S. in the 1970s, the drink typically contains Southern Comfort,
Amaretto, sloe gin, and orange juice. The ingredients are shaken together with ice
and then strained into a glass with a resulting flavor so powerful it's
supposed to "slam" your tastebuds — hence the name Alabama Slammer.
Despite that flavor punch, the cocktail — and cheap version of the drink in particular — often
runs into problems, says Harrah. While it "can be a fun one to drink," he says:
"When the ingredients are just thrown together, [it becomes] a giant booze bomb."