WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
A LOT OF EXCITING REVELATIONS TODAY, YEAH, WHO DONALD TRUMP IS
MEETING WITH FOR CABINET POSITIONS.
YOU KNOW HOW THEY'VE GOT THE CAMERAS AT TRUMP TOWERS AND
SEEING THEM COMING IN AND COMING OUT.
IT'S LIKE A DETECTIVE SHOW OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
>> Jon: YEAH, LIKE COP.
>> Stephen: SO FAR IT'S OPINION A WHO'S WHO OF WHY?
WHAT?
( LAUGHTER ) AND TODAY, TODAY BROUGHT THE
STRANGEST NEWS YET, BECAUSE THIS MORNING, THE PRESIDENT-ELECT MET
AT TRUMP TOWER WITH ALI KANYE WE YOU CAN TELL IT WAS A
HIGH-POWERED MEETING BECAUSE KANYE WORE HIS FORMAL SWEATSUIT.
NOW, OBVIOUSLY, IT'S A SECURITY RISK GATHERING THE TWO MOST
POWERFUL AMERICAN NARCISSISTS IN THE SAME ROOM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: YOU CAN'T DO IT.
>> Stephen: JUST FOR SECURITY REASONS, THEY HAD TO KEEP SHIA
LEBOUF IN AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION FOR CONTINUITY OF
GOVERNMENT.
HERE THEY ARE ENDING THEIR MEETING WITH A BRO HUG IN FRONT
OF THE CAMERAS.
I HEARD THESE TWO ARE GOING TO DROP AN ALBUM TOGETHER.
IT'S CALLED "THE DEPORTATION OF PABLO"
I'M NOT SURE WHAT CABINET POSITION KANYE WAS APPLYING FOR.
WHICH GOVERNMENT AGENCY REGULATES DIAMOND MASKS AND
TRACK PANTS?
>> Jon: I'M NOT SURE.
I HAVEN'T FIGURED THAT OUT.
>> Stephen: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HE'S NOT UP FOR IS SECRETARY OF
STATE, BECAUSE TODAY, DONALD TRUMP CHOSE REX TILLERSON,
EXXONMOBILE C.E.O.
I ASSUME FROM NOW ON, ALL GAS STATIONS ARE OFFICIAL U.S.
EMBASSIES, WHICH IS PERFECT FOR ANY REFUGEES WHO ARE SEEKING
ASYLUM AND MAYBE A SLIM JIM.
TILLERSON IS AN INTERESTING PICK.
FOR ONE THING, HE'S AN OIL MAN WHO BELIEVES IN CLIMATE CHANGE.
WELL, OF COURSE HE BELIEVES IN IT.
HE'S FROM EXXON.
THEY INVENTED IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
PRIDE OF OWNERSHIP.
IT'S HIS BABY!
"IT'S MY BABY!" NOW, SOME PEOPLE ARE CONCERNED
ABOUT TILLERSON'S CLOSE TIES WITH VLADIMIR PUTIN.
AND THEY ARE BUDDIES.
THIS IS TRUE.
HERE HE IS LAUGHING AT ONE OF PUTIN'S CLASSIC KNOCK-KNOCK
JOKES.
"ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN'T POISON YOUR FAMILY?"
( LAUGHTER ) "YOU WILL LAUGH NOW."
AND WHILE TILLERSON ADMITS HE AND PUTIN HAVE "A VERY CLOSE
RELATIONSHIP," HE'S ALSO SAID, "I DON'T AGREE WITH EVERYTHING
HE'S DOING."
YEAH, WE ALL HAVE THAT ONE FRIEND WHO SOMETIMES DRINKS TOO
MUCH OR DATES THE WRONG PERSON, OR ANNEXES CRIMEA.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, THIS MEANS THAT
THE SECRETARY OF STATE WON'T BE GOING TO MITT ROMNEY, THOUGH
ROMNEY WAS A LONG-SHOT FROM THE BEGINNING.
AFTER ALL, IN MARCH HE SAID THIS:
>> DONALD TRUMP IS A PHONY, A FRAUD.
HIS PROMISES ARE AS WORTHLESS AS A DEGREE FROM TRUMP UNIVERSITY.
HE'S PLAYING THE MEMBERS OF THE AMERICAN PUBLIC FOR SUCKERS.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE AMERICAN PUBLIC, BUT TRUMP
CERTAINLY PLAYED ONE GUY FOR A SUCKER, BECAUSE EVERYBODY
THOUGHT MITT HAD IT IN THE BAG AFTER TRUMP TOOK HIM TO THAT
FANCY DINNER IN MANHATTAN.
IT WAS NICE.
THEY HAD FROG LEGS IN A REDUCTION OF ROMNEY'S DIGNITY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH!
SALTY!
OH!
DELICIOUS!
BUT IT WAS ALL JUST A TRICK, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO TRUMP
INSIDER ROGER STONE, "TRUMP INTERVIEWED ROMNEY TO TORTURE
HIM."
THAT SOUNDS PRETTY BAD.
BUT ON THE PLUS SIDE, IF THIS IS TRUMP'S IDEA OF TORTURE, GITMO
IS ABOUT TO GET A LOT FANCIER.
"TONIGHT, THE TORTURE SOMMELIER IS RECOMMENDING A
MERLOT-BOARDING PAIRED WITH AN AGED BRIE."
YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHERE THEY'RE PUTTING THE BRIE.
WE SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED.
TRUMP SEEMS LIKE THE KIND OF GUY WHO FEELS LIKE ONE FANCY DINNER
GIVES HIM THE RIGHT TO SCREW YOU.
AND TO RUB SALT-- ( APPLAUSE )
TRUMP RUBBED SALT IN ROMNEY'S WOUNDS BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE
TRUMP IS GOING TO PICK FORMER TEXAS GOVERNOR RICK PERRY FOR
SECRETARY OF ENERGY.
HE WILL BE REPLACING STANFORD-EDUCATED NUCLEAR
PHYSICIST AND JACK OF DIAMONDS ERNEST MONIZ.
GOOD SHOT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SO WHAT ARE PERRY'S QUALIFICATIONS TO LEAD THE
DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY?
WELL, FOR ONE, HE DOES HAVE ENERGY.
♪ GOD BLESS TEXAS THE PROMISED LAND ♪
>> Stephen: WOW!
IF HE IS HALF AS GOOD AS BEING ENERGY SECRETARY AS HE IS AT
DANCING, THERE'S GOING TO BE A LOT OF NUCLEAR WASTE SPILLS.
( LAUGHTER ) MAN, HE COULD NOT LOOK ANY
STUPIDER.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: I APOLOGIZE.
I APOLOGIZE.
WAS HE DANCING TO "GREEN ACRES"?
>> Jon: THAT WAS "GREEN ACRES."
>> Stephen: WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?
HE SHOULD BE SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE.
SO WHY NO MITT?
DURING THE CAMPAIGN, PERRY WAS JUST AS TOUGH ON HIS FUTURE
BOSS.
>> LET NO ONE BE MISTAKEN.
DONALD TRUMP'S CANDIDACY IS A CANCER ON CONSERVATISM, AND IT
MUST BE CLEARLY DIAGNOSED, EXCISED, AND DISCARDED.
>> Stephen: MAN, ALL THOSE MEDICAL PROCEDURES SOUND
EXPENSIVE.
THEY BETTER GET THEM DONE WHILE WE STILL HAVE OBAMACARE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) , OF COURSE, WHO COULD EVER
FORGET RICK PERRY'S MOST MEMORABLE PERFORMANCE IN THE
2012 REPUBLICAN PRIMARY DEBATE?
RICK PERRY CAN.
>> AND I WILL TELL YOU, IT'S THREE AGENCIES OF GOVERNMENT
WHEN I GET THERE THAT ARE GONE: COMMERCE, EDUCATION, AND
WHAT'S THE THIRD ONE THERE.
LET'S SEE...
>> YOU CAN'T NAME THE THIRD ONE?
>> THE THIRD AGENCY OF GOVERNMENT, I WOULD DO AWAY WITH
EDUCATION, UM, COMMERCE, AND LET'S SEE... I CAN'T, THE THIRD
ONE I CAN'T.
SORRY.
OOPS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: NOW, THREE WORDS COME TO MIND: DUMB. MOTHER...
I CAN'T THINK OF THE THIRD ONE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BY THE WAY, THE DEPARTMENT HE
BY THE WAY, THE DEPARTMENT HE COULDN'T REMEMBER IN THAT CLIP,
THE DEPARTMENT HE WANTS TO GET RID OF-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- IT'S
THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY.
OR, AS IT WILL SOON BE KNOWN, THE DEPARTMENT OF OOPS.
ACTUALLY, IS THERE ANYTHING NONPOLITICAL GOING ON?
HEY, HERE'S ONE.
ARE YOU GUYS EXCITED FOR THE MOVIE
"ROGUE ONE: A STAR WARS STORY"?
COMING UP?
ME, TOO.
I'LL CLAP ON THAT ONE.
WELL, SADLY, NOT EVERYONE IS EXCITED, BECAUSE TRUMP
SUPPORTERS ARE BOYCOTTING "ROGUE ONE" WITH THE HASHTAG
#DUMPSTARWARS.
THE CONTROVERSY STARTED WHEN A "ROGUE ONE" SCREENWRITER
TWEETED, "PLEASE NOTE THAT THE EMPIRE IS A WHITE SUPREMACIST
ORGANIZATION."
REALLY?
WHY WOULD A WHITE SUPREMACIST ORGANIZATION PUT A BLACK GUY IN
CHARGE?
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THE WRITER DELETED THE
TWEET AND THEN APOLOGIZED FOR IT, BUT THAT DIDN'T APPEASE THE
DARK SIDE OF THE INTERNET, BECAUSE PRO-TRUMP "STAR WARS"
FANS ARE CIRCULATING RUMORS "THAT THE FILM WAS RESHOT TO
INCLUDE ANTI-TRUMP SCENES."
OH, COME ON!
HOW DO YOU FIT ANTI-TRUMP SCENES INTO A MOVIE THAT TAKES
PLACE IN ANOTHER GALAXY?
DID ONE OF THE STORM TROOPERS TRY TO GRAB SOMEONE BY THE
WOOKIE?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NO.
WOOKIE.
♪ ♪ ♪ WHAT?
( LAUGHTER ) I'M GOING TO BE ASKED NOT TO
MAKE THAT GESTURE ANYMORE.
I'M JUST TALKING ABOUT A WOOKIE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!
THESE RUMORS ARE NOT TRUE AND, PLEASE, JUST, FROM MY HEART,
PLEASE, 2016 HAS BEEN A ROUGH RIDE.
ALL YEAR LONG, ONE SHINING BEACON OF HOPE I'VE HAD TO LOOK
FORWARD TO AT THE END IS THE NEW "STARS WARS."
SO I AM BEGGING YOU, IN THE NAME OF OBI-WAN KENOBI'S SHIMMERING
GHOST, SHUT UP AND LET ME ENJOY "ROGUE ONE."
CAN'T WE JUST ALL AGREE!
STOP IT!
JUST CAN'T WE JUST AGREE THAT WHATEVER YOUR POLITICAL
LEANINGS, WE ALL BELIEVE OUR SIDE IS THE REBEL ALLIANCE?
THAT'S HOW MOVIES WORK!
NO ONE GOES TO SEE "X-MEN" AND ROOTS FOR THE REGULAR HUMANS.
AND WE ARE THE REGULAR HUMANS!
( LAUGHTER ) SO WHEN IT COMES TO THE "STAR
WARS" MOVIES, ALL AMERICANS ARE THE GOOD GUYS.
OKAY?
THE DEMOCRATIC COALITION IS EVERY BIT AS DIVERSE AS
THE CANTINA BAND AND ADMIRAL AKBAR BEARS A STRIKING
RESEMBLANCE TO REPUBLICAN MITCH McCONNELL.
, OF COURSE?
SO JUST LET IT GO AND MOVE ON TO CHRISTMAS.
LET GO OF POLITICS AND MOVE ON TO CHRISTMAS.
I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE FENCING UP THEIR CHRISTMAS
SHOPPING OR STARTING IT.
AND SOMETIMES FINDING THE PERFECT GIFT FOR YOUR LOVED ONE
CAN BE TRICKY.
THANKFULLY, OUR GOOD FRIENDS IN THE INTERNATIONAL DIAMOND
INDUSTRY HAVE THE ANSWER.
>> SHE'S THE REASON THE GOOD TIMES ARE GREAT AND THE REASON
THE TOUGH TIMES ARE EASIER.
BECAUSE SHE'S YOUR BEST FRIEND AND YOUR TRUE LOVE.
PRESENTING THE "EVER US" TWO-STONE DIAMOND COLLECTION:
NEW RINGS, NECKLACES, EARRINGS AND BRACELETS.
ONE DIAMOND FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND.
ONE DIAMOND FOR YOUR TRUE LOVE.
>> Stephen: YES, A RING WITH A DIAMOND FOR YOUR TRUE LOVE
AND ONE FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND.
SORRY, PAUL.
I'M GONNA NEED THAT DIAMOND BACK.
APPARENTLY, I'M SUPPOSED TO GIVE IT TO MY WIFE.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, I BELIEVE THIS IS THE
BEAUTIFUL, MOST POSSIBLE WAY TO TRICK AMERICA INTO BUYING EVEN
MORE OF SOMETHING THEY CAN'T AFFORD
WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT I'M PROUD TO INTRODUCE THIS MOVING AD FROM
OUR NEW SPONSOR.
YOU GAVE HER ONE DIAMOND FOR BEING YOUR BEST FRIEND AND ONE
FOR BEING YOUR TRUE LOVE.
BUT SHE'S SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT, WHICH IS WHY SHE ALSO
DESERVES A DIAMOND FOR BEING YOUR EMERGENCY CONTACT.
A DIAMOND FOR BEING YOUR RIDE HOME AFTER THE EYE DOCTOR
DILATES YOUR PUPILS.
AND A DIAMOND FOR BUYING STAMPS.
MINUS TWO DIAMONDS FOR NEVER HAVING SEEN "DIE HARD."
BUT ADD A DIAMOND FOR BEING THE PERSON WHO WATCHED "WESTWORLD"
WITH YOU AND TELLS YOU WHAT'S GOING ON.
AND TWO MORE DIAMONDS TO HELP YOU FORGET WHERE DIAMONDS COME
FROM.
AND BECAUSE SHE'S CONSTANTLY SURPRISING YOU WITH THE WAY SHE
LOVES YOU, DOESN'T SHE DESERVE THIS BAGGY OF EXTRA DIAMONDS AND
A HOT GLUE GUN.
THIS CHRISTMAS BUY HER THE FOREVER TIMES INFINITY RING.
BECAUSE FACE IT, YOUR KIDS AREN'T REALLY COLLEGE MATERIAL
ANYWAY.
THINK ABOUT IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
MARK WAHLBERG IS HERE.
AND WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL GET SOME THINGS OFF MY CHEST.
SO STICK AROUND. ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )