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- Well I was always told an explicit "no" on that,
based in particular on 2 Corinthians 6,
and in verse 14 Paul says to not be
"unequally yoked with an unbeliever, for what partnership
"does righteousness have with lawlessness?"
So I grew up thinking that the apostle Paul
was talking about dating when he used this metaphor
of the yoke, being joined to someone,
so that the direction one goes,
the direction the other one goes.
And so I only have since learned
that Paul actually is not talking about
dating and marriage relationships explicitly there;
he is rather talking about who the Corinthian believers
were going to yoke themselves to,
were going to join themselves to,
between the false apostles and Paul himself.
And so these false apostles, they came with a message
that had a lot of Gospel elements to it,
but it wasn't the full Gospel, it was some other message
that appealed to the believers in various ways,
by flattering them, by the apostles themselves
acting like they were superior
because of their more evident gifting.
They tried to present that as evidence to these Corinthians
that God was with them, and then they pointed at Paul
and said look how weak he is, look how nothing he is.
Look at all the things he says that seem so impressive
but actually when he shows up, he's not that impressive.
And so they used that as evidence
that God was not with Paul.
Now, I think the answer to the question
should a Christian date or marry an unbeliever,
the answer's no.
And I think I would actually use this same verse.
A verse that's not explicitly about dating
actually gives us a very important principle that we then
apply to all of our relationships including dating.
And that is, this principle that we all have this tendency
to join ourselves to what appears to be the most impressive
according to standards that may or may not
line up with God's.
And so really, Paul's instruction here
is an appeal to the believers to be impressed
with what God's impressed with, to value what God values,
and then to make your decisions relationally
based upon those.
So that has everything to do with dating.
What we love, what we join ourselves to, we will be like.
And so when we apply that to dating and eventual marriage,
what that person you're dating loves
will shape what you love.
And if that person does not love God,
it will absolutely shape and influence
your ability to love God as well.
So what they do positively love
you will be more compelled to love
and so it's a stewardship of your heart
to assess the people around you
that are options for marriage,
to assess them according to God's values, what God says
is most important, what God says is most true,
what God says is most life-giving,
and not to listen to what the world says
is most valuable or most life-giving.
And Paul knew this.
And so Paul was trying to say to them
their "love" for you is a self-serving version of love,
where they're using you in order to create
a greater platform of influence for themselves, whereas,
and this is what the entire book of 2 Corinthians is about,
whereas I have suffered for you, I have taken on loss
in order for me to be able to build you up in Christ;
that is the definition of love.
So real love has at its purpose
the building of that in someone.
And so what exists in a dating
and moving towards marriage relationship
between a believer and an unbeliever
is that one of the core purposes of love
just simply can't be.
And so, this is why I think Paul,
we can construct a very compelling argument
from a lot of what Paul says,
and a lot of what the rest of Scripture says,
why a believer should not be dating an unbeliever.
We haven't made a distinction yet
between dating and marriage, because I'm seeing dating
as the purpose of moving towards marriage.
The reason I do that, and I don't just have
dating as its own separate fun thing to do
that doesn't involve marriage,
is I don't think the Bible gives us a category for
romantic connection, increasing self-disclosure and intimacy
merely for the purpose of enjoyment or pleasure.
It's always for the establishment
of this permanent relationship
when it's between a man and a woman.
So let's get practical for a moment.
What do you do if you're currently in
a dating relationship with an unbeliever?
Well, I have heard many people justify that reality
by calling it "missionary dating,"
where they want to have a strong influence on them.
And honestly, I think people are sincere when they say this,
so I'm not doubting the sincerity of that;
you want their good in them coming to Jesus Christ.
But I would simply challenge you with what I said earlier,
actually is your stewardship for your life and what you love
and the direction of your soul.
And you need to take seriously what God says
about yoking yourself to someone else;
they will in some sense be very influential in steering,
that's what the yoke is, in steering where you go.
And so if you really want them to come to faith,
and you're really willing to trust
the Lord Jesus for their salvation,
then I would challenge you to think long and hard
about who you might suggest being placed in their life,
who might invest in them with the Gospel
that wouldn't be in a dating relationship
and have alternate elements of the relationship going on.
Because what you think might put that person
in a better place to come to faith
might actually be a hindrance to them coming to faith.
And again, I know the stories of missionary dating
"working" in the sense of people really coming to faith.
So I am not doubting that the Lord can do that,
but your responsibility is not
to think about what the Lord can do
but what He tells you to do.
And then also thinking practically
maybe for a different set of people
who might be watching this video,
some people might already be married to an unbeliever,
and they maybe have suffered in various ways because of it,
and it causes them angst, I just want to say
a word of comfort to you, that there's a reason
that 1 Corinthians 7 and 1 Peter 3 is in your Bible.
And both of those passages talk about
the powerful effect that a believing spouse,
particularly a wife actually, in those passages,
but the powerful effect a believing spouse
living out their faith can have on an unbelieving spouse.
And God doesn't make any explicit promises
for your particular situation;
I realize that and I know you feel the pain of that fact,
but don't let the power of those words
in any way be undermined.
God is pleased as you serve your spouse
and as you are faithful to your spouse,
by faith in Jesus according to
the strength that He provides,
God is pleased with that.
And both Paul and Peter are acknowledging
that there's real power behind that.
There's a mysterious power behind that.
So be encouraged that your labor is not in vain,
and whatever tears you've shed about it,
or whatever hardships you've endured because of it,
they're not in vain.
So let me just end by broadening our perspective
to put this thing in its proper place.
We need to remember that marriage
is a picture of a greater reality.
And it is not meant for ultimate life fulfillment.
And so that takes the stakes down a bit,
because marriage is a gift from the Lord;
it's meant to establish a covenant union between two people
that displays Jesus's love for His church,
that's what it's meant for.
And so when we keep that purpose in mind,
it helps us put this whole thing in perspective,
where we don't get to use dating and marriage
for our own purposes alone.
So the general instruction that
a Christian should not date and marry an unbeliever,
it's not prejudiced, it's not tribalism.
It's a statement of the purpose of marriage being
for something larger than our own earthly satisfaction.
It's a larger picture; it's helping each other
learn to love God and to do what He says
through faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.
And so we use it for His purposes and not for our own.
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