You are the Roastmaster General,
in not just the United States of America,
worldwide, (Jeff laughs) worldwide.
And you know, it occurred to me,
we should probably start where all things must start,
which is with Don Rickles.
We lost Don a couple of years ago,
but you have picked up that mantle.
I mean, you know, you are the guy
that everyone thinks of now
when you think of insult comic,
and you always have amazing jokes.
Thank you. You get terrific jokes.
[Jeff] Thank you.
Do you write them all?
Do you have people that help you out?
My cousin Ed and my other buddy Ed,
and sometimes for the big roasts, you know,
full on writing staff will help everyone on the dais.
But I mostly try to do my own-
Right.
And have, you know, a couple friends
who know me real well,
sit around with me and I don't really accept jokes,
but I like to hone them with people.
Yeah. Now, one of the things-
It sounds more personal because if they sound,
what do you call it, recycled,
they start to sound mean or predictable,
but I really want it to be like a suit
when I roast somebody,
tailor made just for them.
Also, I think people appreciate that.
If you're doing jokes about someone,
and telling them they're so fat that when they, you know,
they need to leave the house to, it's a standard joke.
I'm gonna work on that one by the way.
(group laugh)
I know, that was rough.
Is there an end?
That was rough.
Oh, trust me. Oh, no, it's going places, that joke.
What Jeff will tell you is that you start with that,
and then you work on it, but you-
And thank you for that nice compliment
off the bat about Don.
He really was the,
what do they call it, the sultan of insulting?
And - Yes.
He did teach me a lot.
So I appreciate that.
There was a few years there
where if you were a big shot having a 50th birthday
or a 40th, you know, a big, big birthday,
you'd have to have me and Don, you know?
That's great.
And he would inevitably go on after me
and make, I'd always write the jokes,
and I'd always have papers of jokes.
Yeah. Yeah.
And like John Stamos asked me
and Don Rickles to roast him for his 50th
at this fancy hotel
and tuxedos and the whole thing.
And I come in with pages of stuff, you know,
John Stamos is so good looking,
his birthday candles blew themselves.
(group laugh)
And like, I really prepared,
and John asked me to prepare.
And then Rickles goes on after me,
and just makes fun of me for preparing.
Yes. Well, this is what I wanted to bring up,
the way in which you're different from Rickles.
Now I'll start with the day
I had an experience about 15 years ago.
My wife and I are on a flight cross country.
We get on the plane.
I'm putting my stuff in the overhead compartment,
and I start to hear someone say, "Jesus Christ
they'll let any guy on this plane."
(group laugh)
And I'm like, I'm sort of hearing it out of the,
and I'm thinking, "What?"
And then he is like, Man, Goddamn fucking Irish.
They let the Irish on the plane (group laughs) this far up?
You think the Irish should be further back."
And I sort of start to get a little like,
I'm tired and I'm frustrated,
so I get irritated and I turn around.
Don Rickles is sitting right behind Liza and I.
And he's sitting there, and I swear the definition
of being happy as a pig in shit.
My wife and I both, I don't think I strapped
in the whole flight.
Both of our heads are peeking over behind us,
and the whole flight he's going after me,
and then he is going after, you know,
what are your plans?
We told him, he went after our plans.
Then he starts going after Newhart,
who he was best friends with,
who he knew that I knew.
Yeah.
And just on and on and on.
And that flight felt like it was 20 seconds long.
But here's what I've always thought
about what's interesting,
'cause I, for lack of anything better to do,
I think about comedy a lot,
and I was thinking about you this morning.
You are someone who,
and I give you a lot of credit for this.
I'm a big believer in preparation.
I think you prepare very, very, very well.
I think you take these things really seriously,
and your jokes are very crafted.
I'm gonna say that and I love Don.
Don had a different technique.
He was a nerve comic in a lot of ways.
He wouldn't, I mean, there's so many times I saw him.
If you saw him like on a Dean Martin roast,
yes, he had material,
but so often he would just go by the seat of his pants,
and it wasn't so much crafted, intricate insults.
Do you know what I mean?
It was a- In the moment.
It was a full on bear attack in the moment.
And if you went back and looked at the transcript,
you'd say some of this doesn't make any sense, you know,
"Look at this guy over here," you know
and he would come on my show and do stuff.
And every now and then, one of my favorite things
that he used to say was you'd say something
and he'd be like, "Oh, good.
Good for you, smart guy.
What do you want, a cookie?"
And I just thought, (group laugh)
and I think I just laughed cuz he said, "Cookie.
What do you want, a cookie?"
Yeah. His timing.
It was just the way he said it.
And, you know, he did chastise me
and I did get embarrassed,
you know like, "Oh God, I'm the kid who did
all the homework and he would go up after me and crush,
and it always kind of bothered me.
Maybe my skin wasn't thick enough to take it from him.
And then a couple years after that Stamos thing,
I was at Don's Memorial at a synagogue,
and you know, all the comics were sitting there,
we're all invited and remember Judd Apatow's
right in front of me, and all the guys are there.
And Don's manager, Tony, comes walking over to me
and he says, "Jeff, can you speak?"
This is something I would've prepared a month for,
had I known.
And I look at Judd,
I go, "This is Don challenging me right now to talk."
No papers kid.
And I did it.
I just stood up and I took the mic,
and handled my business for five minutes.
And it was funny and it was sweet.
And I remember being like, "Freaking Don taught me something
from the grave, that I can do it."
And somewhere from the beyond he's like,
"What do you want, a cookie?"
(group laugh)
And I do always want a cookie,
so that did work out.