-We're here today to share some positive parenting
discipline examples and how to actually avoid a meltdown.
-We're Vicki and Paul Jenkins and we have over 30 years of experience in speech-language pathology,
clinical psychology and parenting. -In avoiding meltdowns, prevention is huge. We'll start with
that and then we'll give you some ideas on how to actually change the pattern. -First of all, you're
more successful at changing your own reaction than to change the child's meltdown. This is a
little bit of a change in focus. Because when the meltdowns occur our whole focus is on that child
and we don't always monitor what's going on here and how might I be contributing to that.
-If you have never experienced a meltdown yet you will and welcome to the show, right? You can't change it
once they're going, you can't stop it. So the best thing that you're going to want to do is to figure
out how to change the way you're showing up in the meltdown. So keep that in mind as we talk about
some of these tips because it's really easy to get distracted about your child's behavior.
Let's keep the focus here so that you can actually have some control over how this interaction is going to go.
-And one of the first things that you can do is to become aware of situational planning. -I learned
this back in graduate school. Situational planning sounds like it's something you could get a degree in.
-In speech-language pathology it's called set up support. -Right and it has to do with how
can I organize this environment to minimize the possibility that we're going to have a problem.
It's kind of like baby proofing and we do this when our kids are starting to crawl or
move around the house a little bit. Because we notice how many things are actually within reach
of those little hands and we get to start moving them out of the way. We don't stop doing that
for our older kids. Look around the environment. For example, we've got a lot of parents who are doing
homeschooling right now and through the pandemic and you've all been familiar with that. Would it be
wiser to do that at a kitchen table or in front of the television? -Do some situational planning.
-And I use that as an obvious example. Hopefully you can see that if there are those distractions
we're going to have more problems than if we look around try to minimize the distractions.
But it could also be like you were saying in the setup. When your kids come home, do you have a place
arranged for them to put their shoes or their backpack or their materials? It could be as simple
as the physical arrangement of the room or of the home. -And it can also be things you know
what is going to trigger your child. You'll learn it pretty quickly and so maybe your
situational planning is we're going to go to a park where it's going to be really really loud.
We're going to be watching fireworks and I know that Jimmy has an issue with really loud noises
I'm going to bring the headphones. I'm going to make sure that they're packed and that he
knows we have them and that he can use them if he wants them. So, just being very aware of what is a
possible trigger that's going to hit for my child and what are some things that I can do beforehand
and let them know it's not a big secret. You know sometimes we think that it's a big secret that
we're planning. No, it's okay. Let them know that we've got this all covered working you're going
to be okay. I've got this planned... and you have access to all these resources
and it's going to be great. -I've seen another example from our grandkids and our son and his
wife give them the plan before they leave to go somewhere. We're going to go do this and then we'll
do that and then we'll do this and they lay it out for them so that the kids know what to expect.
That's an example of situational planning. Another strategy that works really well to avoid the
meltdowns especially if you see it percolating if you can see that it's about to erupt. Redirection,
an example I was working with a child at the office that was getting a little upset about
something and I stood up and I walked over to the window and I said, "Well, that's interesting."
-When you do that you just are giving them somewhere to redirect that that energy that's
starting to build in them that might turn into a meltdown it's going to turn into something
different. -And there's a distraction element here too. I've seen I have a friend who makes goofy
faces and he's really good at it but he'll pull those out sometimes just to distract his children
or you could start to sing. What if you just broke out into song as you see the... -Besides being weird?
-Now, okay, so maybe. -It is okay, it's just to do something silly, right? -I'm not as opposed to
being weird as Vicki might be but really with when you're working with children it's okay
to let down your guards a little bit and to be a little silly especially if it's something that's
going to help to redirect. -And I've done this even with toys you know. Sometimes kids are very
inflexible about the way they want things to go when playing with toys. So, you might
purposely do something a little different like suddenly put the sock on the outside of the shoe
and just kind of be goofy you know with it or you might do just some things to kind of change up the
routine with them, just change the momentum. -Hey, before we keep going thank you for being such a
conscious parent and for being here. Would you take a moment to subscribe. Hit that subscribe button,
click on the notification bell, and we'll keep supporting you in your positive parenting.
Now let's get back to those meltdowns. Meltdowns sometimes there's fire that causes the meltdown.
So use that as an analogy as you think about what do you want to throw on the fire? What if I
give you two options? You can throw water or you could throw gasoline on that fire? We want to come
in with water not gasoline. Our own reaction to our kids is going to act as either the water or the
gasoline. So here's a strategy for you. Come in low and cool, not high and hot. So you check your face,
you check your tone of voice, you check your energy, you check your height. So, very simply
if you've got a young child who's percolating where you're getting you know you can tell it's
building up. You don't come in up here you come in at your child's level down here. I mean, physically
get down on the floor if you need to. If you've got a teenager that's brewing. You don't come in
with your arms folded and stand over them. Come in at their level if they're seated sit. If they're
down on a couch or something sit or kneel on the floor next to them. You want to have that same
level that's what I mean by coming low and cool. You want to maintain a calm voice, calm face,
calm body. Remember what Vicki said at the beginning of the video, it's easier to change how you show up
than it is to change their behavior. So, keep that in mind you're coming in low and cool not high and hot.
Once the meltdown has already begun really one of the best choices is to isolate that child and
that can be a very physical thing. It can be kind of a step back from them whatever. But you want to
give them a little time to kind of run its course and to cool down. Because you're not going to make
a lot of progress processing anything during a meltdown. You know, if you've had a child involved
you cannot.... reason with a child who's in the middle of a meltdown and so you want to give them
some isolation. Let them calm down. -This is true for adults too by the way and that's why it's
so important to regulate your own emotions. Because you're not thinking straight if you're all
hot and bothered. The isolation that we're talking about here is not a punishment. The term time
out okay usually we think about that as well that's a punishment for misbehavior.
When you're watching a sporting event and they take a time out nobody's being punished.
We're simply stopping the action. We're getting out of the mainstream of activity for a few moments.
So that we can re-gather and the purpose for the isolation think of it as a cool down.
Think of it as battening down the hatches for the storm. Just letting that storm pass for a minute
and storms do pass and they pass better if we're not throwing gas on the fire like we talked about
the last point. So, as the storm passes you will reach a period of coolness and relative calm.
Alright, now it's the chance for you to do some processing with your child and this is where
I like to go back to the two choices. Especially if there's a return to the mainstream activity
that we're planning. Would you rather and then you give them a couple of choices where they can feel
some control. -And remember that you're always going to be giving two choices both of which you really
are okay with. -You have to be. If you give them a choice that you're not okay with guess
which one they're gonna pick. -Always. -That's exactly predictable. So, make sure you're okay with both
choices. Would you like to go back in there by yourself or do you want to go in holding daddy's hand?
For example, okay I'm okay with either one as long as the storm has passed. Parenting is
not for the weak of heart but we're not going to leave you hanging either. The next video,
five things every new parent needs to know. Cue that up next and we'll support you there as well.