I had an interesting conversation recently, with myself.
One night, I was sitting on the terrace with my eyes closed. I was watching my breath.
I was feeling proud of the fact that I was meditating again. Then I thought how being proud of meditating
defeats the purpose of meditating. Then this following dialog happened.
“It’s good that I see the ego in action in almost everything, and I constantly confront
my self.” “Well good. Good for you for confronting
the ego.” This gave me a momentary hit of satisfaction
and pride. “But wait, the very fact of congratulating
myself on confronting the ego, is an egoistic act.”
“Wow! That is amazing. You even caught the ego when it was hiding behind a second layer.
Congratulations.” This was followed by a split second satisfaction
and pride. “But ... isn’t what just happened an egoistic
thought?” “Wow you’re good!”
At this point my head started to hurt. So this association, this identity, this pride,
where does this come from? And how is it so good at hiding behind layers when confronted.
What is it exactly? What is that which is proud? What is that which feels special?
I am aware that it is semantics, but the term Ego appears to take on a different form when
approached from a psychological standpoint as opposed to a spiritual or a philosophical
one. So it is in our best interest to properly define the term before moving on further.
In his psychoanalytic theory of personality, Sigmund Freud described human personality
as incredibly complex containing several components. He postulated that the three elements of personality
known as Id, Ego and Super Ego work together to create complex human behaviors.
Each of these three elements of personality emerges at different point in one’s life.
According to Freud the combination of these elements have a profound influence on each
individual.
The Id is a primal component of a human being. It is completely unconscious and includes
primitive instincts such as hunger drive and sexual urges. The id is driven by pleasure
principle and craves for immediate gratification of all wants and needs.
But expecting to satisfy all the immediate urges at all times is not always appropriate.
It would often result in disruptive and socially unacceptable behavior. That’s where the
Ego comes in.
Ego, according to psychology is the personality component that deals with reality. Freud theorizes
that the Ego is developed from the Id, and it makes sure that the primary urges and impulses
are satisfied in a more realistic and socially acceptable way. The ego operates under the
reality principle. Ego is the reason why we think of cause-consequence and, subsequently
decide whether to perform an action or not, no matter how much we want to satisfy that urge
Freud famously compared Id to a horse, and the Ego to a horse rider. The power of
motion lies with the horse, but the rider provides it with a much needed direction and
guidance. For example, Ego is the component which prevents you from running out and eating
while you’re hungry, when you are stuck in an important office meeting.
Super Ego on the other hand, concerns itself with morals and values which are usually learned
from one’s parents, society and culture. This is the realm where one develops conscience
and a pursuit of an ideal self. Superego always tries to persuade the ego to turn towards
moral goals as opposed to just realistic ones. This is where guilt and pride come in. If
the ego simply gives in to id’s primal demands, super ego can then make the person feel bad
through guilt. The Ideal self, is an imaginary aspiration of how a person ought to be, how
one ought to treat other people and how one ought to behave in a society and so on.
When a behavior falls short of the ideal self, the super ego punishes through guilt, or rewards
by making us feel proud, when we behave “properly”. If a person’s ideal self is set with a standard
too high, then they’ll usually tend to feel like a failure. A person’s conscience and
their version of that perfect self are mostly determined from parental values and upbringing.
Freud also noted that Id, ego and super ego are not three separate entities with clearly
defined boundaries. They are dynamic and they often interact with each other to influence
an individual and their behavior. In Freud’s view, a healthy personality is determined
by achieving an optimal balance between the id, ego and the superego.
While the Freudian ego is more about negotiating conflicting impulses and standards, the ego
that’s usually discussed in eastern philosophy or spirituality, has more to do with recognizing
what the self actually is, when you say “I am”. Essentially it is about identity and
the perceived separation of the individual from the world.
Almost all human beings think of themselves as individuals, separate from the external
world. It is what our parents teach us when they give us a name, and ever since then,
our individual separateness seems like the most natural thing in the world.
So why is it that certain philosophies and traditions deem the ego as something undesirable
on the path to truth, and list out ways to disassociate oneself from this false identity.
This could be seen mostly in eastern philosophies, teachings and religions.
In Hinduism, there’s this a term called Moksha, which is considered one of the highest
spiritual attainments. It translates to: free oneself, let go, release or liberate. But
what exactly is one being actually freed or liberated from? In a psychological sense moksha is freedom
from ignorance: self realization, self actualization and self knowledge.
Moksha appears in various ancient Hindu texts. For example: Vivekachudamani is an 8th century
scripture written by Adi Shankara. The work explores the distinction between real (that
which is unchanging, eternal) and unreal (that which is changing and temporal). The book
outlines meditative steps towards the path of Moksha. One such verse, goes like this:
Beyond caste, creed, family or lineage, That which is without name and form, beyond
merit and demerit, That which is beyond space, time and sense-objects,
You are that, God itself; Meditate this within yourself.
Hindu traditions assert that at the core of all human beings and living creatures there
is an eternal, innermost essential and absolute something called a soul. While the central
doctrine of Buddhism, Anatta, asserts that at the core of all human beings and living
creatures, there is no eternal, essential or absolute something to be found. Buddhism
from its very early days has denied the existence of a self. In fact Nirvana is defined as the
blissful state when a person, among other things realizes that he or she has no self,
and never had.
It is undeniable that the mind, whether in a physical or a metaphysical sense, has an
image of “itself”. When I have dialogues with myself, the dialogue itself is not the
point of interest, but the way I refer to myself is. It often feels like I am having
an actual conversation with a separate individual. But who’s having that conversation with
whom? It’s as if there are two entities, one, which is doing things, performing actions,
and another one that’s perpetually watching and observing. Sometimes I even have a disassociation
with the doer. I feel like long ago, I’ve put on a powerful virtual reality goggles
and forgot all about them. Now I identify with the doer, while in reality I might just
be watching and observing without doing anything at all. The thought that I might be a willing
participant in this grand illusion hasn’t escaped me; this illusion of having control
and options.
Once I was lying on a river bank on a sunny afternoon. The sun was shining with all of
its glory right on my face. So I used my palm to shield my face against the sun. Brilliant
pale orange rays slipped through my fingers, making my palm, a silhouette. It was a stunning
scene, and I was mesmerized by my own hand. It didn’t look real. In that moment I was
so convinced that I was watching a movie. The hand was not mine. It’s a hand. The
actions it performed were not mine. So I waved it in front of me. Just to make sure. It felt
like my mind was being tricked. I thought the only thing that’s holding the whole
illusion together, is that sense of control. Look at your own palm, even this very second,
with this knowledge, you might feel a slight sense of disassociation.
Since I began noticing this feeling of illusion, existing became a frustrating endeavour.
I used to be angry at the fact that I exist. It might sound stupid, but a frustrating,
powerless anger was all that I was left with. It’s as if an ant went on a quest to unmask
the secret of this universe. I am aware that on a scale of everything, my powers are almost
indistinguishable than that of an ant. The only thing that was left in me were the burning
questions about my existence, and a certain knowledge I will never find an answer to my
question. Sentient existence seemed like a cosmic joke.
I continued to be frustrated, angry and depressed until I learned to ... drink water when I am thirsty.
Let me explain. I was incredibly thirsty on a hot, bright Sunday morning. I went to my
kitchen. Grabbed a pitcher of water and I drank from it without any thought. That’s
when it hit me. Maybe the answers to my questions are so incredibly simple, as simple as drinking
water when you are thirsty. You don’t think about it. Your body knows what you want, and
you execute it, almost like a robot. It quenches it’s own thirst. Think about how many little
things that you do without thinking. Your body itches, you scratch, you feel hungry,
you eat, you feel cold, you search for warmth. We are used to making things complex, so that
we can make distinctions and function with society at large. We posses the power to think,
so most of us tend to over think, over analyze everything, and when something too simplistic
is presented to us, we reject it, as we are not used to that kind of sophisticated simplicity.
This presented me with an opportunity to an alternative way of thinking or ... not thinking.
This tiny ant’s response in the face of a magnificent question. Instead of focusing
on the vast expanse of the outer world, I began noticing my own body. This didn’t
change me all that much. I am still very fixated on the big questions, but I am not frustrated
anymore and certainly not angry. It comes out in other ways. By making this film, through
conversations, through art. But for now, I am focused on drinking that cup of water when
I am thirsty, eating delicious food when I am hungry or finding cold when I am hot or
warmth when I am cold. There comes a great peace with this simplicity. It helped me to
discover the ant’s place in this vast universe.
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