WELL, HELLO.
TODAY, WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE KIDNAPPING OF PATTY HEARST.
SO PATTY HEARST IS DESCENDED FROM WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST.
HE IS A VERY WEALTHY MAN. AND HER DAD IS RANDOLPH HEARST.
BUT ESSENTIALLY, THEY OWN ALL OF THE MEDIA.
AND SO, YOU KNOW, SHE'S FROM THAT KIND OF--
THE PEOPLE WHO MADE THE COUNTRY.
AT 19, PATTY HEARST WAS LIVING IN BERKELEY
IN THIS NICE APARTMENT THAT HER PARENTS ARE PAYING FOR.
SO THEY'RE SITTING AT HOME,
AND SHE'S READING IN HER BATHROBE WITH HER FIANCE.
AND THEN THERE'S, LIKE, A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
[dog barking] NO. CUTIE, IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY.
IT'S FAKE.
THEY DIDN'T HAVE DOGS.
QUIET! QUIET, QUIET, QUIET!
SHE OPENS THE DOOR.
LIKE, OH, CAN WE HELP YOU?
OH, WE RAN OUT OF GAS MONEY. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, THEY ALL CAME POURING IN.
AND THEY'RE LIKE, AHH!
AND THEY BEAT UP THE MATH TEACHER,
STRANGLE HER, AND TAKE HER CAPTIVE.
BRING HER IN A VAN OVER TO THEIR HEADQUARTERS.
SHE'S BLINDFOLDED. SHE'S GAGGED.
I DON'T KNOW IF SHE'S GAGGED. SHE'S DEFINITELY BLINDFOLDED.
THEY PUT HER IN THIS CLOSET. IT'S LIKE THE SIZE OF A CLOSET.
AND SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING, REALLY.
SO IT'S 57 DAYS SHE'S IN THIS ROOM.
SO FINALLY, ONE DAY,
THEY LET HER GET OUT OF THE CLOSET,
AND THEY TAKE OFF HER BLINDFOLD.
AND SHE LOOKS OUT AND SHE SEES ALL THE PEOPLE.
SHE'S LIKE, OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL.
OH, WHO ARE THESE PEO--
LIKE, YOU GUYS LIKE-- YOU'RE MY MOMMY.
THIS IS ESSENTIALLY WHAT STOCKHOLM SYNDROME IS.
THAT WAS THE SYMBIONESE LIBERATION ARMY.
"SYMBIONESE" IS NOT A WORD.
IT'S--THEY KINDA MADE IT UP.
THEY'RE NOT THE BRIGHTEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.
NOW YOUR NAME'S TANIA.
AND THIS IS YOUR NEW LIFE.
AND SHE'S LIKE...
OKAY.
[upbeat rock]
AND THEN THEY DO A PHOTO SHOOT,
AND SHE PUT THE BERET ON AND A MACHINE GUN,
AND SHE'S, LIKE, ALL WITH THE S.L.A.
SO SHE STARTED RECORDING THESE AUDIO TAPES
AND SENDING THEM TO HER PARENTS.
MOM, DAD, I'M OKAY.
BUT I NEED YOU TO FEED EVERY POOR PERSON.
THAT ENDS UP BEING LIKE 300,000.
$300 MILLION.
THEY'RE ALREADY STUPID. LIKE, THEY COULD NOT COUNT.
AND THE HEARSTS ARE LIKE, WE DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH MONEY.
WE'LL GIVE YOU $3 MILLION.
WHATEVER, DUDE.
I MEAN, CAN YOU IMAGINE?
SO THEY STARTED ALL THESE LIKE, UM, FOOD KINDA TRUCKS
ON THE CORNERS OF SAN FRANCISCO,
AND THEY WOULD START, LIKE, DISTRIBUTING FOODS.
AND THEN THEY SAID THEY WANTED EVEN MORE.
MOM, DAD, THERE WAS NO BEEF OR LAMB.
THAT'S NOT THE KINDA FOOD
THAT YOU SHOULD BE GIVING TO POOR PEOPLE.
THAT FOOD SUCKED.
MEANWHILE, EVERYONE'S, LIKE, WORRIED ABOUT HER.
HER FAMILY IS FREAKING OUT.
SO THEY'RE JUST LIKE, WHAT THE [bleep] IS HAPPENING?
AND THEY'RE DRESSED IN BLACK, AND THEY'RE SAYING,
WE DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO PATTY.
WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN?
AND THEN SHE'S LIKE,
MOM, TAKE OFF THAT DUMB BLACK DRESS.
IT'S NOT HELPING ANYTHING. YOU'RE EMBARRASSING US.
LIKE, I'M NOT DEAD. I'M ALIVE.
AND I FEEL THAT WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS WRONG,
BEING A RICH PERSON.
AND I'M HERE TO BE PART OF THE PEOPLE...
OF THE PEOPLE PEOPLE.
BASICALLY, WHAT HAPPENS IS THEY DECIDE...
I FORGOT TO PEE.
- DO A JELL-O SHOT WITH-- COME HERE...LYDIA.
DAVE. - DEREK.
- DEREK. - NO, THAT'S DAVE.
- SO WHAT DO-- I'VE NEVER DONE A JELL-O SHOT.
- PUT YOUR FINGER IN IT.
- YOU JUST GIVE IT A LITTLE STIR SO EVERYTHING GOES DOWN SMOOTH.
- OKAY. - MORE THAN THAT.
YOU HAVE, LIKE, WOMAN HANDS.
- GIVE YOUR FINGER A LICK, SHAKE IT UP.
- SHAKE IT UP, THEN DO IT. MM-HMM.
THAT'S GOOD, ISN'T IT?
- [laughing] - ISN'T IT GOOD?
- IT'S KIND OF A BAD DECISION WITH YOUR LIFE...
- MM-HMM. BAD DECISION.
- BUT IT'S EFFICIENT.
- THIS DOES NOT TASTE GOOD. - NO.
- IT TASTES A LITTLE GOOD.
- THE NEXT TIME WE SEE HER,
SHE'S GOT A MACHINE GUN AT A BANK,
AND SHE'S LIKE, MY NEW NAME IS TANIA,
GET THE [bleep] DOWN.
AND SO SHE'S LIKE, DOING THIS, LIKE--
YOU KNOW, LIKE, THREATENING EVERYBODY IN THE BANK.
AND SHE'S KINDA INTO IT.
IT'S IN THE NEWS.
AND HER PARENTS OWN THE NEWSPAPER.
SO IT'S LIKE-- IT'S EVERYWHERE.
PEOPLE ARE LIKE, PATTY HEARST. WHERE IS SHE? WHAT'S HAPPENING?
THIS IS LIKE ALL THAT THE NEWS IS TALKING ABOUT.
WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH PATTY HEARST?
AND SO THIS BANK ROBBERY IS THE FIRST TIME
THAT SHE HAS, LIKE, BEEN OUT IN THE PUBLIC.
AND THEY DON'T CATCH HER.
AND THEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN, IN L.A., THERE'S A SHOOTING.
AND THE POLICE ARE ALL THERE. THEY START SHOOTING.
THE WHOLE HOUSE IS JUST LIKE-- BECOMES FLAMES.
AND EVERYONE THINKS PATTY HEARST IS IN THE HOUSE.
WELL, HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS.
PATTY'S STILL ALIVE AND SHE'S WITH THIS COUPLE,
WATCHING IT IN A HOTEL IN ANAHEIM.
HI, BLANCHE. COME HERE.
SO PEOPLE--
PEOPLE START--
WHAT WAS I SAYING?
[laughing]
SHE MOVES TO SAN FRANCISCO,
AND SHE JUST STARTS, LIKE, LIVING HER LIFE,
GOING GROCERY SHOPPING, DOING WHATEVER.
THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, ONE DAY, LIKE, ON A ERRAND,
PATTY HEARST GETS SPOTTED.
SOMEONE RECOGNIZES HER.
AND WHEN SHE COMES INTO JAIL,
SHE'S GOTTA SAY WHAT HER PROFESSION IS.
AND SHE SAYS "URBAN GUERILLA."
THEY SENTENCE HER TO 35 YEARS IN JAIL.
AND THEN AFTER 22 MONTHS, CARTER COMMUTED HER.
WHEN SHE COMES OUT OF PRISON, SHE IS LIKE,
I'M SO EXCITED, I'M ABOUT TO GO ON VACATION.
SHE'S, LIKE, A GREAT EXAMPLE OF A REALLY RICH PERSON
WHO COULD'VE JUST, LIKE, STAYED AN IDIOT
AND WHO WAS LIKE, NOW I UNDERSTAND, LIKE...
WHAT IT'S LIKE.
SHE WAS REALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I HAVE TO GET SOME WATER. - OKAY.