First things first, I'm gonna hit this woman with a whip so I can take her into my secret cave. [Creepy laughter]
No, I'm just playing guys.
Really, I'm gonna use her as a shield for the dart trap.
And then I'm gonna go ahead and sacrifice her to the great Imhotep
for, uh, one Hulk hand from Target.
Hmm, made in China. This would go nice with my other one.
I'm gonna take the cape. I don't got enough money.
I'm just gonna go ahead and steal it, all right, guy?
[ gunshots ]
I think my guy died.
All right, I got a good feeling about this one. Let's do this. It's go time, baby.
Okay, not a good start but maybe I can-
Nope.
They got Dunder!
I'll take Dunder, man.
I don't got enough money, though, so I'm gonna have to steal him.
[ laughing, gunshots ]
So close.
This shit wasn't even REMOTELY close.
Baybeeee
Spin the wheel!
Come on, big money, big money, big money...
Come to papa, come to papa, come to papa...
Give me the money, give me the money, gimme the money...
Oh shit.
Oh shit, get the fuck out. Is he gonna shoot everyb--
Oh.
Spin the wheel!
Dion?
What are you doin' in this game?
Oh, cool, dark level.
Let me show you guys how to deal with this.
[ explosion ]
Gimme the money, gimme the money, come to papa...
Gimme the muchala--
AH
ah
ahh
waaaaaaaaaa
Hey store guy, remember when you took the shotgun and shot me
[ slowed down ] fifty times, you son of a bitch? Well now I'm gonna shoot you in the
[normal speed ] FACE!
Get outta here!
Now I'VE got the shotgun.
[ laughs, 1993 DOOM theme midi begins playing ]
Reach for the sky!
Hahahahaha!
Hey, monkey!
Reach for the sky!
Uh oh, now the guy's over there.
Hey, guy!
Reach for the sky!
[ laughing ]
Hey, guy!
Didn't I tell you
to REACH FOR THE SKY-
Oh, shit.
I win. I win baby!
With this shotgun, I'll be unstoppable!
[ laughing ]
[ continued laughter ]
[ laughter turns into sobbing ]
Now I'm at the part of the game where you gotta bring the key through twelve levels.
Oh god.
[ groans ]
I'm off to a pretty good start, though.
I got four health, still got a lot of ropes...
This is very possible.
I gotta bring it all the way so I can get the shortcut to the last-
You son of a bitch!
Ow, god.
Oh, god.
No. No!
NO-AH
Oh!
Buh!
I can still do this.
[ 8-bit version of the Rocky theme song begins playing ]
I just gotta think back.
Back to my training with Hulk Hogan.
It's like Hulk always said:
♪ ba ba BAAAHN ♪
♪ babaBAAAAA ♪
[ grunts ]
♪ baba BAAAAAAAA ♪
YOU
ARE OUTTA HERE
GET THE F-
[ music stops ]
GET DA F-
GET
GET THE
GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!
[ music resumes ]
Shit.
I got the key.
[ grunts ] The monkey...
[ gasping ]
No!
I can still do this!
This one's for you, Hogan!
[ music stops ]
I think the shotgun is the best thing in the game.
Hey, you mind if I test this thing out, man?
[ gun cocks ]
Uh oh.
OH GOD NO
I CAN STILL DO THIS-
OH GOD
NO I CAN'T
OK, the trick to this, I've seen this now, OK-
The trick to this is you gotta start over here.
And then you gotta come, you gotta punch him, he's gotta come over here.
So you gotta punch him right in the face.
He's gotta come over there.
So watch, I go
boom
and then
I GOT IT
[ ice shatters ]
So you wanna kill me with the freeze ray, eh?
Well who's got the freeze ray now, you son of a bitch?!
Now gimme all this stuff-
OH GOD
it wasn't what it was
it wasn't what it w-
All right, I got a whole new plan.
Where I put the bomb behind this guy, and then it just blows his head off.
All right.
That didn't even work at all.
And now he's super pissed.
Jumping around everywhere.
[ gasps ]
He left!
Give me the money moola macchiato!
[ laughs ]
What happened to the--oh, oh!
Look!
He fell on a spike!
That's what you get
for bein' a DICK!
Hahaha!
Now I can beat the gaaame!