Over the past 75 years, Batman has become one of the most important figures in pop culture.
He's just the coolest!
Just one big problem: being Batman actually kind of sucks.
Like… a lot.
Sure, you get to be rich and buff, but literally everything else about it is horrible.
Here's a look at the real reasons why no one should want to be Batman.
It's illegal
You would think running around the city dressed as a flying rodent is all fun and games.
But here's the thing: being a vigilante is actually super-duper illegal.
Oh, sure, you can dress up all you like.
Nobody has any problem with that.
But if you actually tried to fight crime?
The police would be on you in record time, because there are certain other words synonymous
with fighting, such as assault, battery, and involuntary manslaughter when your batarang
accidentally cuts someone's throat.
Don't believe it?
"Well, he's a self-appointed superhero, and he's in trouble with the police.
Seattle's Phoenix Jones was arrested early Sunday morning after police say he assaulted
several people with pepper spray."
It ain't cheap
There's a reason only Bruce Wayne, playboy billionaire, could be Batman.
And that's because his stuff is expensive as hell.
He has a super-tank car, a super-motorcycle, a super jet plane — and that's just how
the dude likes to, y'know, get around town when he's sick of walking or using a grappling
hook.
Worse yet, he breaks his stuff all the time.
Whether it's by villains coming into his lair and messing it all up or him just dropping
it into the sea with a nuke, all of his lovely toys are going to cost a dang fortune.
There's a reason Bruce ended up broke at the end of the Dark Knight films, and it's not
just because of Bane's shenanigans.
Maybe he should have pinched those giant pennies instead of spending them on extra bat-nipples
and crotches.
Lifestyles of the boring and tedious
"Bruce Wayne, Billionaire, Bon vivant, gallivanter, playboy, Gotham's most eligible bachelor like
90 years in a row.
That's me right there"
"I know who you are, Mr. Wayne."
"You bet you do."
Bruce Wayne may seem have it all, but his life is actually boring as hell.
Sure, he pretends to live the life of a playboy, but that's just a cover for what he really
spends his time doing: eating really healthy, fat free meals while working out eight hours
a day dragging giant tires around a sweaty dungeon.
And do you have any idea how bad bat sweat smells?
Being a billionaire vigilante may seem glamorous, but there's really nothing exciting about
forcing yourself to choke down your sixth boiled chicken breast of the day because you
need energy for your next set of five hundred pushups.
Boooooring.
Inferior Man!
Of course, one of the big reasons Batman has to constantly train is that, unlike almost
every other superhero and supervillain, Batman doesn't actually have any powers.
He's just a rich, angry man with a leather fixation.
Meanwhile, Superman, Flash, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, and Cyborg all have incredible
super abilities that pretty much allow them to do anything Batman could do, only more
easily, and faster, too.
"Wait here.
I got this.
No offense.
You'd just get in the way."
You'd have to think that after a few minutes of hanging around the Justice league, Batman
would really feel like crap.
"Sup Supes.
You're having the Justice League Party.
Without me?"
"No"
Friends don't let friends be Batman
Have you ever had friends pull you aside and warn you, as your friend, that they think
what you're doing is really dumb, destructive, and harmful?
Well, if you imagine getting that speech from everyone you know, every time you see them,
you'll start to get an idea what it would be to like to be Batman.
"You know, Batman, you take the fun out of being your friend sometimes."
"How so?"
Sure, jumping off of footops and fistfighting a squad of thugs wielding machine guns is
really heroic and everything, but maybe Bruce could do just as much good by donating to
charity, or setting up some kind of foundation like Bill and Melinda Gates.
Knowing that all your friends are worried about you and think you're making a horrible
mistake would be major bummer, which might explain why Batman doesn't actually seem to
have any friends.
"No, I bet the guy has a lot of friends.
Like warehouses full of friends."
Gotham's just not worth it
In Batman Begins, Ra's Al Ghul tries to sway Bruce Wayne into letting Gotham burn by arguing
that it isn't worth saving in the first place.
"Gotham isn't beyond saving.
Give me more time.
There are good people here."
"You are defending a city so corrupt that we've infiltrated every level of its infrastructure."
And he's… actually right.
Time and again, Gotham is proven to just be a dangerous, disgusting cesspool full of criminals,
villains, and morally bankrupt jerks.
Frankly, it's not really clear why anyone would live there, much less risk their life
every day fighting for it.
If Batman were really as smart as he's cracked up to be, he'd just move to Florence or something
and see how nice life can be when you let yourself enjoy it.
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