-Let's get to the news.
Tonight was the second part of the second Democratic debate,
and it was fine, I guess, but it did kind of feel like
when your fun aunt goes home
and you're left with your boring family again.
[ Laughter ]
Aww. Aunt Marianne lets us finger-paint on the wall!
[ Laughter ]
Entrepreneur Andrew Yang used his opening statement tonight
to differentiate himself from President Trump, saying,
"The opposite of Donald Trump is an Asian man who likes math."
[ Laughter ]
Which is a great point, but I actually think the opposite
of Trump would be a black guy who is a good president.
There you go.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Didn't know where you guys were gonna land on that one.
[ Laughter ]
According to a debate coach on CNN,
Senator Bernie Sanders got a B-plus
for his performance last night,
which he was perfectly happy with.
"The last thing I want is for my grade to be in the top 1%!"
[ Laughter ]
B-plus. [ Applause ]
According to the final numbers,
author Marianne Williamson was the most searched-for candidate
after last night's debate, which is silly.
You don't search for Marianne Williamson.
You just leave a window open
and put a thimble full of CBD oil on the sill.
[ Laughter ]
The personal Wikipedia page for presidential hopeful
John Delaney was vandalized last night to say that
Senator Elizabeth Warren killed him
during the Democratic debate.
it's now been corrected to reflect
that he is in serious but stable condition.
[ Laughter ]
The White House has announced that next week President Trump
will visit a central Florida retirement community,
or as he told Wilbur Ross, "Let's go for a little drive."
[ Laughter ]
"Look at all these nice friends for you, Wilbur."
[ Laughter ]
"Shuffleboard, you like shuffleboard.
Don't cry, Wilbur."
[ Laughter ]
A Delta pilot was removed from a fully boarded flight
and arrested yesterday for allegedly
attempting to fly the plane while intoxicated.
How did he get alcohol, said people in coach.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Finally, a Florida man who goes by the nickname "Murder"
and has the word "murder" tattooed on his neck
pleaded guilty yesterday to murder.
[ Laughter ]
Well, at least no one will have to ask him what he's in for.