Hello everybody! my name is Markiplier and I'm officially back from my hiatus.
Now you may be wondering what I've learned over this period and the first and foremost thing that I've learned is how to be
The best youtuber that I can be, but in order to explain that I need to show you something. Can you come with me?
Actually wait, hang on, take this camera and uh, just follow me for a bit.
'Kay, don't look
*Yeh noises*
BOOM!
*spooked*
New car. I'm not-I'm not out of my mind here. That's - like - that's
Right?
Think of all the things that you can do with a new car! Like -
Hang on, I gotta get- I gotta get a map.
Chica where's my map?
*Stepy-step noises*
*SUBALUWA!!!*
Where's my map?
Chica, come on!
*More stepy-step noises*
...You waiting on?
*Even more stepy-step noises*
One, two, three
Peter, Paul, and Mary
*Chicken noise*
What can you do with a car?
What can you do with a car!? - *More chicken noises*
Chica!
*Smash noise* what can you do with a car?
So you see, right? You see what I'm talking about? If you have a car you get...
R E S P E C C.
You get lots of respecc. You can do anything for everybody. you can do people favors! You can give 'em rides!
And then also like...
Okay, this is a more important thing like sure respect is whatever and you can go up to like...
I dunno... Bakersfield, if you want to go up there and die. You can go to San Diego if you want to get swarmed at Comic-Con
Oxnard, I didn't- didn't even know that was a city...
and the most insane thing in my mind
Is the nearest Cracker Barrel to where I live in LA,
is four and a half hours away in Las Vegas!
*Exclamation noise*
But! If I got a new vehicle that can take me the distance that I need to go, I can take Chica!
*Whoosh noise*
and we can go to Cracker Barrel whenever we want!
We can just go right.... We can just go!
Right?!
*Concerned Nod*
Cool! But not only that like things change
Here we go!
L O S E R
When you have everything that you need, you can go pretty much everywhere so long as you have a vehicle
right?
So what do we need to do? We need to get a car
yeah
okay
Coooool
*Squeak noise*
So all this adds up to something that we know how to do
*Weird low-pitched growl*
All this is spelling out something very simple, something that we already know.
We don't know how to do this.
So to get the answers that we need to know, we need to call on the one person that does know exactly what to do.
What we're going to be doing what we're doing. Here we are, the d-- what we're-- he knows how to do-- Tyler.
He used to be a car salesman before he came out to L.A
So if I call him, he will know what to do, he's a good man!
always reliable, trustworthy, always there for you.
Tyler!
-Yeah?
where'd you- where's your face?
Uhh, I'm driving out of the parking garage right now
Oh..... Are you busy today?
I mean kind of, but I can-- hold on let me pull over
-Cause I got this thing...
Very urgent thing. Had this whole life changing, like, conversation with myself abou--
-Alright -Yeah, about how...
The only thing I need is a new car and uhhh..
the only thing I need is help doing that, so if you're busy that's kind of, like, explosively detrimental to my cause
Oh, hi. -Hi there
Ha Ha Ha (funny joke time)
yeah
Tyler: I didn't-- The funniest thing is, it came through audio-wise in the car so I didn't realize this was a FaceTime call. I thought you were just calling me on the phone.
No, no... I would never do that. Yeah, so uhhh you're not, like, going to a convention today, are you?
Tyler: Uhhh... Sort of.
*KOBE*
Fuck. Alright, so we gotta go with Plan B.
*Frustrated Exhale*
Tyler's out, so...
What's the next best thing?
TYLER, WHAT'S THE NEXT BEST THING?
Tyler: The next best thing for what?
For... getting a car! If you're not available, I don't know how to do that on my own
Tyler: I mean, if you're looking to get a new car, like, the first thing you do anyway is research based upon what you need/want.
I want respecc.
Tyler: Uhh... That sounds like you need...
*Audible Confusion*
Tyler: I don't know how to get that with a car!
:O ?
Well then, wha.... (why tyler why?)
What-- Alright! Fine! Bye! I'm on my own!
So I guess we're on our own.
*air kissy*
How do we get a car that can give me respecc?
respect
"Attractive Older W/M Seeking Attractive Female Girlfriend/Roommate"
*spooked*
So, Tyler's no help at all. We knew that from the get-go.
We gotta go on our own, so...
Dealerships are fine and dandy, but if we don't have a car how do we get to a dealership?
Maybe Amy could get us around...
*awkward await*
*doot*
*do do do doo do do dododo dododoododododododoododododo dododo*
Fuck. *Phone goes flying in the background* *SLAM* She's not there.
what do we have?... We have... (nothing)
*Hand Noises*
If we think about, like, exactly what we need then everything else falls into place.
Right? So take for example...
Like, what does a car give to you?
A car gives you: mobility.
MoBiLiTy.
You can haul. You can haul... you know, like, U-Haul, but me haul. We haul.
Cracker Barrel?
*Whiteboard Abuse*
Cracker Barrel.
*Respecc?*
Respecc. Of course, thank you.
Okay, for mobility it only really needs wheels.
For hauling you need, like, a lot of cargo space.
For Cracker Barrel, you need...
...wheels. For respecc, you need size.
*dropp*
Everyone knows that the bigger you are...
*dropp 2: electric boogaloo*
Hey, pay attention. Everyone knows the bigger you are, the more respect you have
It's like-- It's like a factor of, like, dominance or something; testosterone, like, monkey... shit... *Mark, you thinking right?*
If you're bigger, like, you get more respect. It's why cats spread out real far; it's why peacocks have a big ol' tail
That's why I have the BIGGEST head in the world.
*realization*
What's the biggest vehicle that we got?
A semi-truck, right? No, it's that land crawler that takes space parts to...
The launch pad. That's the biggest vehicle. But I don't think I can get a license for that...
*Gibberish* You need a specialized one for a semi too. I could do a pickup truck, but I don't want to be a douche.
Actually, it's a fact in-- in Los Angeles if you have a pickup truck (I know this from experience) if you have a pickup truck you have
To pay an extra fee if the back is uncovered, because it's classified as a work vehicle and not a regular vehicle.
So if you're gonna have a truck and you're gonna cover it anyway why not have a van?
*ding ding ding winning question*
*mark, no, stahp*
"is anyone in...
the LA area selling a van?"
They'll take that seriously!
My fans know I don't goof'em, right? *WRONG*
I didn't say a white van! Listen, it's not suspicious, I didn't...
Don't ask me why I need a van... I just need a van!
A white one... A white one!?
Why do they say-- I did not say a white one! why is everyone...?
*Exasperated Mark is Exasperated*
Everyone's assuming I said a white van! I didn't say a white van! What's so scary about a van?
Are they scared of how much respect I'll have? Minivan; NO! That's not even a van!
Minivans, no! *Minivans, plz stahp*
Someone tried to build this shower in this one... *y tho*
120,000 miles...
It's four wheel drive...
which is handy for when we go off-road...
hunting Bigfoot or whatever. Or go to a Cracker Barrel that's really off the beaten path...
Hup! Hop! *motherly instinct baps* Comeon! Hop!
Hop!.. There we go...
Wha'dya think of this one?
It's pretty good.
It's got a lot of miles on it, but...
*Urp* *Ew mark stahp*
It's really cool.
It's got, like, wood paneling on the sides, it's got a wooden floor, it's got,
like, a seat/bed in the back, and a lot of storage space.
Like, if it runs well, then it's gonna be pretty good, right? Chica! Get-- get your leash! We got go!
We gotta go, Chica! We gotta go!
*Mark n' Chica do a quick*
Thank you so much for accommodating a dog!
*Meow?*
Mark: So how long you been driving Uber? Driver: Only six months.
Mark: Yeah? Six months? Driver: Yeah.
Driver: Because I can't afford to pay my bill!
Mark: That's a good reason.
Driver: Alla those seat easy go-getter.
Driver: Oh, am sorry me ah you know I can get here easy (Note: I can't decipher his accent)
Mark: You see? Driver: No, you see. You get to street, I need to get off of freeway.
Driver: Thank you!
Mark: Thank you. Driver: Five star!
*Bork!*
*ANGERY*
!
Hi, uh, this is, uh, Mark...
Um...
The guy interested in the van.
Van Seller: GMC Safari, dude.
Mark: Ooo! Ah, that looks so cool!
Seller: It's a lil' dusty... Mark: That's understandable.
*Van Floor Abuse*
Mark: Chica, y'wanna hop up? *Chica: no way dad* Mark: No, she's scared. Come on, hop in bub! Hop in! Good girl.
*Door Close*
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
Mark: It starts, which is better than I was expecting...
Seller: I bought the thing when it-- when it had uh... 172.
Mark: You ever went crazy on the road? Seller: Yeah.
Mark: Where'd you go to? Seller: Uh, anywhere from Baja, all the way up to northern California.
Mark: Wow...
Mark: Never done that, never had the chance, like, to just take a road trip go out see the world.
Seller: No, like uh... If you, like, go on a solo trip for a couple months and you did that in the van...
Mark: Yeah? Seller: You pretty much learn all shit by yourself.
Mark: Yeah, what's your uh, d'ya have, like, uh, an Instagram or something or a...?
Seller: Uh...
Seller: cor_rok, c-o-r-_-r-o-k. (Legit Insta; check him out!)
r-o-k.
*cor_rok runs over someone*
Mark: I Think I want it. Seller: Yeah?
Mark: Yeah, no, I really do!
Mark: Seriously, this is the one. We're gonna be able to travel to Cracker Barrel and
get chicken and dumplings and
*Very Happy Mark-i-moo*
buy knick-knacks
at Cracker Barrel.
And get respect. That's another thing.
*brosqueak* Thanks.
You're always here for me. Thank you.
There you have it!
We got a van.
That was easier than I thought; who needs Tyler?
Yeah.
I bought a van all by myself.
*Proud Mark is Proud*
I mean, you helped but... it was mostly me. I was doing the talking there.
There's only one thing left to do after this...
And you know what that is.
*sick montage time*
WE GOT A VAAAAAAAAN! *Chica: dad plz stahp*
WOOOO! *Chica: dad im dizzy plz put me down*
It's alright, Chica. Good girl. *Chica: thank*
We got a van! *Chica: yay*
*Mark Self Abuse*
WE GOT A VAN, BUBBY! *Chica: yay for us!*
*Mark stahp hittin urself*
UP! UP! UP! *Chica: up? :D*
*Joyous Mark Noises*
Good girl, good girl. *Chica: :D*
*shniff*
Okay, wow. *Chica: no dad plz dont go D: *
We did it, we got a van. We didn't need anybody's help. No Tyler, no nothin'
You were of great help though. Thank you so much, and now we can do whatever we want!
We can go around L.A, we can help people, we can take road trips, we can go camping, we can just do...
mundane bullshit...
It doesn't really matter... but thanks for being there for me
So what should we do next? I-..I don't even know at this point
I've got so many ideas but maybe I could get your help from it?
And I think it's only fair that you get to name the van. It was kind of your idea after all, so...
What do you think? I was thinking like, "Shamu," or "Gwendolyn," or-- or "Bertha," but
I dunno. If you got an idea, let me know and thanks again.
See you tomorrow!
Buh bye!
*squonk and Mark's plane noises*