(applause)
- Welcome back.
So tonight we're gonna talk about
the economics of being a woman.
By now, everyone knows that women
only make 79 cents to the dollar
and that's actually why I shop at Forever 21
so that I can be reminded that I am forever 21 cents
less valuable than a man.
(audience groaning)
Obviously we need to narrow the wage gap
and the thigh gap and also the baby gap.
Nothing there fits me.
I feel fat.
Equal pay for equal work is a no brainer.
So let's talk about all the bullshit
women have to go through just to make less than men.
Let's start at the beginning.
Getting ready for work.
It takes the average woman three times longer
to get ready than the average man.
And even longer if you're ugly.
(audience laughs)
That's extra time a man can spend
reading, exercising, or masturbating.
Whereas I have to multitask.
And let me tell you,
it's hard to get through Angela's Ashes
while you're jackalackin' on an elliptical.
(audience laughs)
I know some of you guys are probably just saying,
"Well, why don't you just stop putting shit on your face.
"We like you better without makeup."
And to that, I'll say a resounding, "Fuck you."
'Cause every time I don't wear makeup
I get asked if I'm sick.
They're like, "Did someone in your family die?"
I'm like, "No, I just woke up feeling pretty and confident.
"Sorry, won't happen again."
Here's the sick thing.
Studies show that women who wear makeup
actually earn more money,
which those women are going to need
because makeup is expensive as fuck.
Kurt, do you have any idea how much this costs?
- Well, what, you mean the nose job?
(laughing)
- I haven't yet.
It took over an hour to do this tonight.
And yes, I do feel better about myself
with my mask on.
But it's only because without it,
I don't deserve love.
Look, it feels like it sometimes.
I know damn well that being a woman
is both awesome and a complete pain in the ass at time.
But I wanted to hear it from someone who understands
both sides of the gender equation.
So I sat down with a friend,
comedian Riley Silverman,
who came out as a woman six years ago.
Riley, I haven't seen you for a while.
- It's been a long time.
- You really do have an interesting perspective
because you lived as a man
and now you're living as a woman.
Do you enjoy the extra effort of being a woman?
- I think at first it was really enjoyable
because it was part of this ritual.
And you're like, "Oh my God, I'm doing this.
"This is my everyday life."
Then after a month, you're like,
"This is my everyday life."
- Has there been a spike in costs since transitioning.
- Everything is a little bit more money.
Like everything costs more.
Like haircuts cost more,
clothing is always more money for lower quality.
And then just even having to buy makeup.
- Yeah.
- This adds up really fast.
- You're a pretty big fashionista.
That's gotta be a huge difference in your wardrobe.
- Yeah.
- Talk to me about the change in cost there.
- Everyday, so I had to have like a different skirt.
And that's like in my morning,
there's a lot of days where I'm that exact stereotypical,
"I don't have anything to wear."
And I have a closet full of clothes.
- Yes.
- Not only would it be when I was living as a man
would I just wear a pair of jeans every day.
It would be the same jeans.
Like you'd wear the same jeans for like a month.
- Like how women wear bras.
- Yeah, exactly.
- Do you sleep in a bra?
- [Riley] No. - [Nikki] Most women don't.
But I like, I need it.
It's like comforting because my mom never hugged me.
(laughs)
It really is expensive being a woman.
Products directed at women
like lotions, razors, and shampoo,
consistently cost more than similar products
directed at men.
Because I guess it's pricey
giving all our deodorants tiny waists.
If it isn't shaped like a lady
then how will I know it's for me?
That literally is what it.
They call this price discrepancy the pink tax
because, I guess, vaginas are pink.
I don't know, mine isn't, whatever.
But that's something that I don't think a lot of men
ever think about which brings me to periods.
And sorry, I know, I'm gonna talk
about periods for a second.
But I'm on mine, so I'll fucking do what I want.
(audience laughs)
I'm not, I'm late.
(audience laughs)
No, a little while back
we did a segment called Pay Your Tab Cab
where I picked up guys from a strip club
and then gave them a chance to win money
by answering questions about women.
At one point in their ride,
I asked these men to demonstrate their knowledge of periods.
Here's what happened?
(funky music)
Alright it is time for the red zone challenge.
Are you ready?
- Excited
- What do we gotta do?
- I am like on my period right now.
Here's 50 dollars.
I just need you to go inside there
and just get me anything that you think will help.
- Okay.
- Go, go, go.
- [Man In Hoodie] Hey.
- What'd you get?
- I got all the good stuff.
- Yeah.
- Stuffed turtle.
- Okay, why this?
- 'Cause when you're cramping you need cuddles.
You know, you're sad.
- And pink because?
- 'Cause girl.
(laughs)
- Okay, well, we got you right here.
We got you covered.
I got you the pads.
- What are those?
Those look like diapers.
- They only had a 34 pack
and I don't know how many you use.
- You got me pads?
Do you think I'm Mormon?
What the hell is this?
- I don't know how they work.
- I'll just like, I'll roll these up
and stick 'em up like they're tampons.
- Good.
- [Nikki] Cool. - [Blonde Man] That's good.
- These are the nessentials, you ready?
- Okay.
- Chocolate with almonds.
- Okay, okay, we're talking.
- I even got three chocolate bars.
Two for you and one for me.
- Oh my God, that's so sweet of you.
- That way I don't got to ask for none of yours.
And you don't got to ask for none of mine.
- It's nice that you think about yourself in these times.
Anything else?
- I got you a Lean Cuisine.
- I'm on my period not suicide watch.
- Condolence card.
- Our thoughts are with you.
This is a condolence card
because you're going through your period.
- Yes.
I thought you'd need it.
- You're not wrong.
- For somebody who ain't never had a period before
I think I did okay.
- You really did, you really did.
- Yeah.
- I hope you get one.
- I hope I don't because it's a lot of shit for a period.
- Isn't it?
(audience cheers)
The struggle is real.
The minutes and dollars it takes
to look normal as a woman add up.
So the next time I hear an actor
from some movie complaining about,
"Oh, I had to sit in a makeup chair
"for three hours to look like a monster."
Try and remember that we do that every day
so people don't think we look like monsters.
We'll be right back.
(audience cheers)